Now that you've read yours and/or your friends' LOTROniac Sign profiles, it's time to find out the expectations and future predictions of your sign or class! Welcome to the LOTRO horoscopes!

Whether you're a LOTRO regular, visitor, player, believer, non-believer, just looking for laughs or are an interested party...find out what's in your LOTROscope here!

Burglar   -   Captain   -   Champion   -   Guardian   -   Hunter   -   Lore-master   -   Minstrel

Burglar

September is a time of reflection for you. During last month's summer festival, you likely drank more ale than you realized and only now is your psyche finally catching on. You should attempt sobriety for a few days, or even for 20 minutes if days is too much to hope for at this point. If you find yourself having trouble with this concept, consider joining MEAA (Middle Earth Alcoholics Anonymous). If you're unable to find a chapter in your area, maybe it's time you started an MEAA!

Then again, go ahead...muddle your senses! Sobriety is for the "weaker" classes** and you are surely not that, are you?! Well, okay, maybe you are, but you're no wussy when it comes to bad habits! Screw MEAA...unless, of course, it's just a way for you to socialize as you slyly find ways to tempt and corrupt others back into their bad habits and addictions.

Sweep a being off its feet. In other words, for those of you with the trait, sweep the leg! No, this isn't likely to create a love match between you two, but if you really wanted that, you'd learn how to steal that special someone's heart, wouldn't you?! =p And why not?! You've taken worse things and stored them in your packs....tongues, haunches, boar-stomachs...Maybe it isn't MEAA that you need after all, but a psych ward instead!

**Earnote: You know...Minstrels, Champions, Guardians, Lore-masters...any class who should have respectable behaviors.

Captain

Sacrifice and slaughter thine enemies all month long! Organize multiple assaults on your enemies and you'll show your fellows who's really in charge this month! Your herald or heraldette! (Just kidding...but those wayward followers do seem to think they are on occasion.)

Inspire your fellows with your fierce determination and the booming resonance of your battle-cries, especially in the deepest, darkest throes of battle! The most amazing victories often come just after the least hopeful and most dreaded of battles. But whenever available in those situations...pop an edhelharn token and the fates turn in your favor all the sooner!

You will struggle with your self-confidence and self-image around mid-month, but this will pass. You are needed, wanted and desired more than you know even if you feel some of your skills in battle aren't as solid and hardcore as you wish them to be. Just remember, even though your heralds and heraldettes...not to mention fellows...may abandon you on occasion, they always come back, so you must be doing something right to inspire such loyalty! It's your charm. Yes, we checked. It's hidden somewhere, deep in one of your overstuffed packs. You'll find it underneath most everything else and likely sticking to your pack due to traces of leftover slime from slimy tongues and other gooey, grotesque parts you've carried off from many a battlefield before!

Champion

Get in touch with your creative side this month. Craft and be crafted for. Shop and be draped in armor, weaponry and items that turn heads. Distract foes with your looks, while your weaponry puts them in their place --- six feet under.

There are many ways to be a Champion. Look the part --- be the part --- and you'll have no problem tearing your foes apart! Just be aware of any witnesses. For your own safety, you'll need to kill them, too! No witnesses. No testimony. No guilty verdict when there's no trial to be held. No witnesses means you'll enjoy a relatively stress-free existence......at least, as far as the virtual realm of Middle Earth goes.

Beware of a full fellow count of 6 at 6pm on the 6th of September. In an effort to evade a bad omen, hug a tree, kiss a fellow member and be kind to the kind of fellow member that pokes eyes out of worms. Any fellow member like that is one you wouldn't want to upset...or be noticed by. Don't make any sudden moves if you find yourself within arm's reach of him/her. Have your sprint command or a Minstrel at the ready, just in case...

Guardian

Rediscover an old haunt around the 3rd of the month and relive the "glory days" of your youth. Those days will more than live up to your memories. All these levels later, you're even tougher a combatant than you were back then! Not only can you take on 2 or 3 of those little guys at once, but 5 or 6......more if they're those mini-me goblins that speed around camps like flies swarming around a pie-eating contest in the Shire.

After that, you'll be more confident than ever. Be careful the battles you choose in such condition, though, or that next meal you'll be swallowing won't have anything to do with masterful mash, steak, fish or pie. You'll be swallowing humility, and that's one entree with a seriously bitter aftertaste, not to mention its crushing effect on your spirit, prowess and ability to raise your weapon or someone else's.

Lucky Days: 4th, 18th and 28th.

Hunter

You crave adventure, excitement and a relatively disease-free existence. Avoid close encounters with diseased rats, diseased boars, bile-spewers and those "bad girls" and "bad boys" known as brigand females and their knaves that have been known to haunt the seediest corners of your dreams (not that you'd admit that to anyone but another Lotronian).

Should you fall prey to any of their charms, however, there is still hope for you. Simply purge poison and you could again be disease-free...at least until that next time you down some inn league ale and/or weakly succumb to your tendency to flirt with danger and individuals with diseased reputations. Given your own growing reputation in certain areas, this could happen again at any moment. But hey, in most areas of Middle Earth, reputation is a good thing even when it's bad, so as they say, "no worries!"

Listen closely to fellow members on the 10th and 25th. With their knowledge and your DPS, you could go further than the range of your arrows multiplied by 10x the aggro range of a level 7 in a level 40+ area!

Lore-master

With the closing of the summer festival, you find yourself a bit depressed. Seek solace and comfort in knowledge and nature. Study your abilities, pamper your pets and quest for further knowledge.

September is time to focus on you, so spend some time on self-improvement. Finish a deed you've been procrastinating and reap the rewards its completion showers upon you. You are good enough, you are smart enough and what's more......you have mad skillz! No one harnesses and relays power better than you! Now, if only you'd keep that power to yourself, you could be a real leader! But no, you're a Lore-Master --- always giving others the power over you. Ah, well. Sometimes, the greatest power is the power behind the ones allegedly kept in power. ;) And someday, they'll all know you're the real force to be reckoned with in Middle Earth...but that someday won't be this month.

Self-medicate your depression this month with the ales of your choice. If you awaken frightened of the ale-goggling you fear your "medication" has caused, don't worry. As long as you don't awaken next to a Dwarf Guardian in a dress, it can't be that bad. Or maybe it can, but there's always next month to redeem your senses and eyesight. (Now raise your glass...you should be drinking to that!)

Minstrel

Test yourself and your fellows. No quest, instance or book chapter should be considered too difficult, too challenging or too "impossible" for you. Your skills go beyond the grave, so anything is possible! Be fearless enough to try anything once, twice or even five times before giving up on yourself and/or your fellows.

Enjoy a few scheduled breaks in your routine over the weekends and have some fun in towns, inns and auction halls. Provide the background music that makes others relax, smile and dance. If your songs aren't inspiring others to dance of their own free will, make it an irresistible melody and those nearby won't be able not to dance!

It's important this month to re-evaluate your finances, take stock of your possessions and ready yourself for the coming months. With Mines of Moria on your mind, you'll want to be prepared and equipped to handle the challenges the future holds. Upgrade your wardrobe and weaponry as necessary.

While you're at it, consider a new hair style and/or dye job before month's end. It'll keep your friends and fellows guessing about just what kind of minstrel you are. Minstrel...Minstrel-Guardian...Rebel...Healer...Musician/Performer.....whatever you are, be unpredictable and you'll be remembered for so much more than just your key heals!

|   What's Your LOTROniac Sign?   |   Archived LOTROscopes  |

|   Want more off-beat gaming humor from The LotrOnyx Files? Click here!   |