Kingsfell Death Toll Rises

Kingsfell Spider-Queen claimed another victim today when a Bree area homesteader became trapped in webs. Unable to move or to free himself, this unidentified new homeowner died before minstrels or captains could make it to the scene to revive him.

The unidentified resident was a male elf, approximately between the ages of 24-30. Cause of death appears to have been a severe allergic reaction to the queen's venomous spider bite.

The number of humanoids having lost their lives in Kingsfell raises serious concerns, as the spider wrath appears great to those encroaching upon their territory. Middle Earth residents are reminded to take extra precautions when in Kingsfell, especially if allergic to certain spider venom.

Man Stoned...Suspect at Large

Earlier today, a man, 33, was stoned to death in the Trollshaws. Three witnesses to the murder were unable to stop the tragedy nor to call for help.

Fearing for their own safety, the witnesses ran for their lives, barely escaping with a meager amount of health. One female appeaed to have been hit in the leg by a large rock, causing her to limp slowly behind the others involved at the scene.

The suspect is still at large, but witnesses have described him as an overly large, overweight humanoid with a lot of "junk in his trunk." One witness further described him as a "fat guy in a diaper." Detectives believe they are looking for a Curr-Olog Hurler, 34, possibly in or near the Minas Agor area of the Trollshaws.

If you see this suspect or know his whereabouts, you are asked to call Middle Earth Crime-Stoppers immediately. Do not approach suspect, as he is considered armed and dangerous. It is alleged that the suspect may have a penchant for "rock" concerts, but this in no way relates to a great musical ability (in his case).

Goblin Burglarized --- 50th Time!

A goblin who wishes to remain anonymous claims to have been burglarized 50 times, with another 26 times resulting in successfully thwarted attempts.

Despite numerous harassment reports, the goblin claims authorities have done nothing to halt the thievery and racial terrorism he feels has been going on at the goblin camps of Weatherfoot. In addition to the stolen goods, there are also reports of random unidentified persons seen diluting the goblin food supply with a foul-smelling draught.

"These personal attacks are nothing short of terrorism and I want the perpetrators caught, brought to justice and punished to the full extent of the law! A goblin has the right to feel safe in his own camp!" exclaims the anonymous goblin. "I will not *bleeping* rest until each and every-bleeping-one of these *bleeping* foul-smelling terrorists is *bleeping* found!"

Jockey Falls...Repercussions

A jockey crowned 10-time champion of  recent festival horse races was found on the ground in the Shire late last night. The jockey appeared to have been driving drunk.

Later testing revealed that the jockey was indeed drunk...and so was the horse. Further testing also revealed that the two had trace elements of pipe-weed in their systems. There is suspicion and talk amongst festival jockeys that this particular duo had used pipe-weed prior to races won.

Race officials insist the use of pipe-weed is strictly forbidden among the contenders, both humanoid and horseflesh. The festival's official review board will be meeting today to discuss any possible action, but both will likely be stripped of their winnings and titles as well as forbidden from participating in any future races --- festival or otherwise.

Morroval to the Story...

Single male hobbit (SMH) got morroval than he bargained for when he used the eShiremony dating service last week.

After mentioning his preferences lean towards milky-white-skinned tall, thin, sexy females, he was expecting his date to be an elven beauty. However, when he showed up for a date in East Angmar...the pale beauty was winged, dangerous and 100% morroval.

The SMH gave the date a chance and he said, to his surprise, "I loved her almost immediately. We had a lot in common. And although the only hair she possessed was on her head, she loved (my) hairy hobbit feets." He added, "I've had a hard time finding tall elven beauties that don't want me to shave the tops of my feet, so I was thrilled this morroval didn't feel that way."

Things took a sudden turn for the worse when it came time for dinner. The morroval wanted no vegetable medleys nor masterful mashes, but instead...sunk her teeth down deep into the SMH's neck and took a hefty chunk of flesh from him.

The SMH quickly escaped with his life and has since received an apology from eShiremony for their misunderstanding. Oddly enough, he has plans to attempt another date utilizing their services next month. This time, he has their word his dating prospects are not in the least bit......batty.

A goblin, also known as Stonehold Warg-Keeper, was arrested today in Evendim under suspicion of his role in an illegal warg-fighting ring.

Authorities would not comment on the evidence other than to say the warg-keeper had been under suspicion for quite some time.

Neighbors and relatives said he was always kind and friendly to them --- though no elf, hobbit, man/woman nor dwarf would corroborate.

Though neighbors had no idea this alleged suspect participated in any illegal warg-fighting and betting operation, they had wondered why he --- as a goblin ---preferred the nickname Warg-Keeper or WK.

The Evendim Animal Rescue Shelter (EARS) reports that 66 wargs were rescued from the warg-keeper's property. Many of those wargs were vile, abused and extremely aggressive at the time of rescue. EARS hopes to recondition the animals so that one day they will again be docile and friendly enough to be non-combat pets.

If you would like to help the wargs, EARS is accepting donations. Consult a lore-master for further details on animal rescue operations.

Gandalf Found Innocent

Gandalf was released from minimum security Archet Jail yesterday. Gandalf was formerly charged with possession and intent to sell a large amount of pipe-weed.

However, a jury of his peers cleared him of all charges when it was discovered Gandalf had been diagnosed with prostrate cancer earlier in the year. It was his very own medical doctor who urged Gandalf to take up the pipe-weed habit.

Despite initial misgivings and a struggle with his own conscience, Gandalf eventually relented, feeling his doctor must know best in regards to medical and health-related matters.

The jury felt the "intent to sell" was a misunderstanding, due to the large quantity Gandalf had on him at the time of arrest. Gandalf was apparently mistaken for a gold farmer and/or seller and has since been cleared of those charges as well.

In a press conference early this morning, GM's issued Gandalf an official apology and full exoneration of all charges and suspicions. It is the hope of GM's that these actions will keep Gandalf from suing for character defamation, wrongful accusal and mental anguish.

'Til Balrogs Fly

Celondim native eats famous last words. Just hours earlier, a fellowship overheard an elf lore-master shout, "...until balrogs fly through Middle Earth!"

Upon finally seeing what he thought did not exist, the well-known, but as yet unidentified, kin leader suffered a severe heart-attack and died on the scene. The deceased appeared to have died instantly, having exhibited no prior warning signs of heart health issues that any fellow member could recall.

Sources report that a memorial will be held later in the week. The deceased is survived by 5 fellowship members, a large kinship and a number of pets including a bear, raven, lynx, turtle and hare.

At press time, fellowship members were reportedly still suffering post-traumatic stress disorder and appeared agitated and extremely shaken up. Only one volunteered further comment, and all she could say through trembling lips was, "Balrogs fly. Believe it. They are here."

Minstrels Open Music School

Ten minstrels announced plans to open a music school at an undisclosed location in Bree. They are currently deciding upon a name and filing papers to acquire a business license.

As the entrepreneurs all have other "real" jobs, each minstrel plans to offer just one lesson to a single student every five days. (The minstrels claim it is much too draining to attempt any more than that!)

Once the school opens, you better get your cowbell on! Classes are expected to fill up fast.

Block Party Announced

Neighborhoods all across Middle Earth to host block parties. Meet and greet your neighbors. Share recipes. Eat pie. Drink beer. Meet the neighbors you'll be spying on until the day you decide to relocate!

Some LOTRO Block Parties set for November 3rd, 2007. (For further details, consult the LOTRO General Forums.)

Desperate housewives everywhere rush to local AH to buy authentic "homemade" pies with which to impress the neighbors.

Politicians and constables throughout Middle Earth are encouraging residents to attend festivities in their neighborhoods. They are hoping these events will bring about a feeling of togetherness as well as to promote the forming of community awareness groups and neighborhood watch programs.