Speeding Elf Arrested

An unidentified male elf was arrested late last night when he was found to be riding too fast for conditions.

The unidentified elf is also being held under suspicion for riding under the influence and animal cruelty/endangerment when it was discovered his horse had two broken legs...yet the elf continued to ride the horse without care or concern for the animal's health and welfare.

Those responsible for the elf's arrest are the "conditions" for which he was too fast. The "conditions," in this case, are known as high level wargs, orcs and worms that banded together to wrestle the elf from his horse as they performed their own version of a citizen's arrest.

During the altercation, the elf sustained several blows and puncture wounds he feels were brute and unnecessary force.

A lawsuit has already been filed on his behalf, but is expected to be dismissed due to lack of  video capture of the alleged incident and lack of witnesses willing to corroborate his story.

Science Foundation Set to Look into Women's Dresses

Scientists for a Sexier Middle Earth (SSME) are amazed and baffled with the latest in consumer fashions for women.

Though never before considered proper hunting attire, women everywhere are now able to hunt and quest in dresses. However, this is not what baffles scientists everywhere.

The mystery lies in the fact that it appears these women in dresses are able to ride horses without utilizing the side saddle method......and yet their dresses pose no hindrance at all. In fact, the dresses seem to stay in place, no ankle or leg visible no matter how hard or fast a horse is ridden!

Not only does this functionality baffle scientists, but it greatly upsets and angers the males of Middle Earth having hoped to catch a glimpse of leg. As one man put it, "Our women complain we only fantasize about brigand women and merrevail. Well, can you blame us?! If you showed us some leg now and then, maybe you'd make our fantasies instead!"

Researchers are beginning a study on women's dress-wear in hopes of unraveling the mysteries surrounding these new fashions. This study is expected to last several months. Researchers are looking for women of all ages to volunteer as subjects to aid in their study.

Meanwhile, males from all areas of Middle Earth have inundated the scientific facility with applications to aid in this study though no openings are currently available. Still, the applications continue to pour in, some males even willing to pay the foundation for their own employment!

Identity Thefts Reported

Citizens are reminded to choose and guard their names closely after reports surface that countless others have already lost their identities to GM's.

Renameab, Renamexyz and Renameblahblahhooha all report stolen identities and unhappiness with their current names. Though most realize they may apply for a change of name, each is upset at having lost what they feel are their former selves.

Apparently, none of the "victims" had any idea names like Asswype, Crochrocket or ESPN were easy targets for GM's identity "theft."

Fortunately, GM's thus far have been kind enough to their "victims" to leave them some form of identity, even if the GM's lack creativity or simply prefer to mark their crimes by utilizing similar name structures (Rename.....) that make victims feel as if they belong to some strange, new misfit family unit.

Black-Outs on the Rise

Constables express concern over a sudden increase in the number of Lotronians experiencing frequent black-outs.

Early reports confirm that their investigations focus on kegs of beer found in houses all across Middle Earth. The kegs in question  seem to have been manufactured in spring for a special festival. Investigators warn of the danger these kegs may pose, though they are not ready at this point to issue any beer or keg related recalls.

Those suffering frequent black-outs have discovered themselves in such places as the Bree cat-house, boar fountain in Bree, Budgeford pig pen, atop Giant's Needle in the Misty Mountains, under the bridge in Trestlebridge and many other places!

If you or anyone you know owns one of those kegs and you have suffered a black-out, authorities advise you to remain calm. Most victims appear to be of no harm to anyone but themselves.

However, those alleged black-out sufferers who awaken from a black-out in the cat-house of Bree, the basement of the Prancing Pony, anyone's bedroom (other than one's own) or the pig pen in Budgeford are advised to be tested for possible STDs. Consult with your physician for further details and recommendations. Authorities also suggest AA.

Obsessive-Compulsive Admirer Restrained

The Silent Judge in Donnvail issued a restraining order today in federal court after one Thorin's Hall area woman reported having received disturbing "gifts" from someone claiming to be her Secret Admirer.

At first flattered by the gifts, it was only upon opening them that the woman became visibly upset and violently ill.

Court evidence revealed those gifts to be a scarred spider eye and a lethal sharp dread turtle webbed claw.

Anyone with information on the Secret Admirer, a turtle missing a claw or a spider missing an eye is asked to contact authorities as a criminal investigation is underway.

The victim had this to say, "What kind of a sicko gives body parts as gifts?! I know I pick those things up on Saturdays when I'm cleaning the stretch of roadway I've adopted in Middle Earth and they tend to rot in my packs, but really...to give them as gifts?! That's just wrong!"

Bree Spring Home and Garden Fest

With the advent of spring, flowers have begun blooming, with particular beauty displayed near Michel Delving, Bree and Celondim.

A special new event for the Bree Spring Home and Garden Festival involves active participants collecting flowers for up to an hour at a time. Upon returning to the festival booth near the boar fountain in Bree, participants are then encouraged to barter for mystery gifts of all kinds.

Each festival attendee may pick these flowers for an hour-long session approximately once per day upon meeting certain requirements. Finally, Lotronians everywhere have solid reason to not only "stop and smell the flowers," but also to rip them remorselessly from the ground, killing them in more inhumane fashions than all those evil tree roots and trees in the Old Forest so much more deserving of their wrath!

Hippie-hobbit flower children are mounting a protest of the event, with plans for a 100 Hobbit March all the way to the front steps of The Prancing Pony...where it is expected they will abandon their protest in favor of ale.