Residents of Middle Earth...are you feeling tired, scared, lonely, depressed, desperate, confused, mildly to moderately crazed, delirious, deranged or just simply need someone to talk to? Someone who will tell you what you need to hear, won't tell all your secrets and won't run in fear from your innermost thoughts?

Relax, LOTROnians! The therapist is in. Whatever the problem, whatever the question, the 60-Second Psychiatrist has the answer.

What problem do you suffer from? Click on the option that most closely relates to your condition, and let our 60-Second Psychiatrist help you help yourself:

Nightmares / Chasing       Outlive Fellows       I See Shade Creatures

I'm a Dwarf       Can't Stop Killing Mobs

Ear Self-Conscious       Falling for "Herald"       Lonely w/o "Herald"

Bear Obsession       Poor Performance

Aging Too Slow       Run Like a Hobbit       Depression

Any Other Problem Not Mentioned Above...

Question: Nightmares / Chasing. Help! I keep having these nightmares that I'm being chased by strange beings and creatures, and then I awaken in a cold sweat in a circle surrounded by stones. This happens a lot but the circle isn't always in the same area. What's wrong with me and what should I do?

Answer: You are paranoid but still followed and...you are dying. You are also involved in the little known Stone Circle Hoax that preceded the Pipeweed Crop Circle Hoax that most don't know about yet. Just go with it. You're dying anyway.

Question: Outliving My Fellows. My fellows keep dying but I never do. Can you help me?

Answer: You suffer survivor's guilt. Try suicide in your next fellow by charging into battle with no armor, shield or weapon. Survive that and you deserve your guilt.

Question: I See Shade Creatures. I don't know if anyone else sees shade creatures, but I see them all the time. Is there something wrong with me?

Answer: You are hallucinating. There's nothing in the shade, not even your own shadow. Get off the pipeweed and join a support group.

Question: I'm a Dwarf. I look like a dwarf, feel like a dwarf and am a dwarf. My mother was a dwarf, my father was a dwarf. Dwarves are all I've known. I can't even find a companion because I can't tell if any other dwarves are of the opposite gender (not even my own mother). Please, can you help me?

Answer: Sorry, there's nothing I can do for you. (The only possible hope for you is to go on a killing spree of elves to release your inner demons...or rather, inner dwarves...but, you didn't hear that from me!)

Question: Can't Stop Killing "x" Mobs. First I killed 60 orcs in the Lone Lands. Then, I killed 100 more and I still want to kill at least 20 more. I can't seem to stop. What should I do?

Answer: You are clearly a mass murderer. I'm not licensed to offer therapy for anything beyond white collar LOTROnian crimes. Let me give you a referral to another therapist......

Question: Self-Conscious About My Pointy Ears. Help! I'm an elf but my friends are mostly humans, hobbits and dwarves. They all tease me endlessly about my ears and I hate it. I'm self-conscious enough without all their ridicule. What can I do?

Answer: Challenge your current friends to spar with you. If you win, they quit teasing you. If they win, you find new friends. Or...you could always choose to wear a helmet 24/7 to hide those ghastly ears of yours!

Oh, don't be such a baby. We're all only teasing. Besides, as an elf, you're tall enough to kick all our asses at once. Suck it up, Dumbolas / Dumbowen!

Question: Falling for My Herald. I know it's not right - I'm a manly captain after all - but I'm starting to have feelings for my "Herald." I don't know if I can hide it much longer. What's a captain to do?

Answer: You're spending too much time with your "Herald." Send him to boarding school until you're both over the desire to "experiment." If you still want each other after that, do not move to the Trollshaws. They aren't socially or publicly accepting of such relationships...yet.

Question: Lonely without My Herald. I sent my Herald away, but now I can't function without him. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I die (inside and out) when I try hunting without him. I just can't stop thinking about him. What's a captain to do?!

Answer: You are experiencing separation anxiety. Get over it. Your "Herald" has! He's already moved on, as he was seen with two other captains just a day later! (He never did make it to boarding school.)

Question: I'm Obsessed with My Pet Bear. Even when we're out hunting together, I can't help but want to pet, hold, cuddle and caress my bear...but I keep letting my bear die in battle so that I might live. I think I'm sending my bear mixed signals. How can I let my bear know we belong together?

Answer: Set your pet bear free. If the bear comes back to you, you are meant to be together. If not, no need to let your hurt and anger get the best of you. Some other villainous beings will hunt the bear down for you without you even having to ask!

Furthermore, there is a name for lore-masters like you - "PETophiles." Join LETA (LOTROnians for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) or some other animal loving organization and you can find support in each other.

Question: Suffering Poor Performance. I am an older LOTROnian whose system has a hard time handling the graphics at even the low settings. There's no way I could operate the high resolution textures. I even tried taking a little blue pill, and while that helped me with the ladies, it didn't seem to improve my graphics performance.

Answer: Upgrade or replace your old system with a new one. Doctor's orders. While I can't write you a prescription for this or ask your insurance to pay for it, I can say this will improve your personal morale and your power...in addition to your prowess once you get a look at those ladies in high resolution!

(Just remember to turn your graphics back down when staring at a screen full of orcs and trolls. In "high res," that kind of sight could scar you for life!)

Question: Not "Aging" Fast Enough. I feel like friends and strangers are growing faster than I am. No matter what I do, I feel like I'm falling behind in age and ability. I want to be one of the first to max out! How can I accomplish this?

Answer: Young one, do not rush through your life on Middle Earth. There is much to be learned and experienced. If you rush, you will miss the romance, beauty and developing lore of the lands and creatures sharing the landscape with you.

If this still does not appeal, join a "bullet train" kinship and never again read any text, never stop to smell the flowers of the Old Forest and never deliver any pies or notes for other fellow LOTROnians! Don't even stop to sweat...you'll lose too many precious seconds of time!

Question: I Run Like a Hobbit. They used to tell me I run like a girl, but now it's even worse. They tell me I run like a hobbit. First off, I am a girl. I'm supposed to run like one. And secondly, what do they mean I run like a hobbit?

Answer: You are a hobbit, too, aren't you? What they mean is that you move like a Splintertusk...slow and low or close to the ground. You aren't going to win any sprinting competitions or relay races, but on the bright side...it means you're harder to find and target than your taller, faster hunting companions. In other words, don't feel insulted when there are benefits to your "running" style and height-challenged stature.

 

Question: I'm Feeling Depressed. Lately, I've been feeling sad and depressed. I don't know what it is, but on the occasion that I'm happy, it doesn't seem to last long. Even watching a dwarf try to dance can't cheer me up for very long. Can you help me? I'm tired of feeling sad.

Answer:  Explore the lands. Roam the countryside. Seek out the less fortunate beings and creatures, such as Angered Tarkrips, Tarkrip Curse-Shouters, Stone-Trolls and Roaming Wargs. They are homeless, potentially rabid and horribly destitute. They have no friends, no health insurance and not even enough copper to support a drinking habit.

You have nothing to be depressed about. Once you've visited them, you'll realize just how fortunate you are...especially after you put them out of their misery and loot their "worldly" yet meager possessions as you leave their corpses above ground to rot. Ah, life is good again!

**Earnote: If your mother is unavailable to take your call, wait an hour and take two more minstrels.

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