(Twisted version of "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth")

My fellows stop

and glare at me.

These drake deeds such

a pain to them and me.

I blame myself for

choosing a class fit for an elf...

Before I turn fifty I must

get these drake deeds done at last!

 

All I want for Christmas

are my drake deeds done,

my drake deeds done,

see them all filleted!

Gee, if I could only

have my drake deeds done,

then I could feast on

dragon hotwings!

Their fiery breath, it so disgusts...

See a dentist, y'all have halitosis!

 

Gosh, oh gee, how I dream and hope...

someday I'll clip all their wings!

All I want for Christmas

are my drake deeds done,

my drake deeds done,

fry their wings to eat!

Gee, if I could only

get my drake deeds done,

then eat their wings with

Chianti, I could!

 

(Twisted version of "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")

Hobbit breakfast roasting on a campfire,

Hillbeasts nipping at your nose.

Yuletide carols being sung by minstrels,

And elves dressed up like gourmet chefs.

 

Everybody knows an egg, sausage and fresh butter

Combine so well with bacon.

Complete hobbit breakfast a-cooking

Li'l hobbit tummies a-growling.

 

Second breakfast finally is near...

eggs, sausage, butter, bacon...we wants it now!

Every hobbit's tummy a-waiting...

Hobbit breakfast, best chaser after pipe-weed.

 

So I'm offering this simple meal

To toons from one on up to fifty:

Although it's been cooked often times before,

Hobbit Breakfast

Complete Hobbit Breakfast...

to you and yours!

 

(Twisted version of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a dwarf guardian,

Just like the ones I've seen in Bree

Where they're so short, so stout,

Expert tankers

No matter the shedding hair!

I'm dreaming of a dwarf guardian,

With every elite troll that I spy.

May your kills be bloody and quick,

And may all your armor, repair!

I'm dreaming of a dwarf guardian

And fellowships he spends with me.

May your tank be mighty and strong,

And may all your armor, repair!

(Twisted version of "It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas")

It's beginning to look a lot like Carn Dum

Ev'rywhere you go;

Take a look in the private instance, see the gloom ahead.

With nasty creatures come costly repairs!

It's beginning to look a lot like Carn Dum,

Aggro all around,

But the most dreaded sight to see is the Helchgam that I need

for his putrid slime.

A pair of lore-masters with a minstrel that heals,

the hunter, captain and guardian, too.

This fellowship the best we could do with

food, a herald and pet or two;

and Helchgam he can hardly wait to withhold his slime from us!

It's beginning to look a lot like Carn Dum

Ev'rywhere you go;

There's elites in front of you, and some behind as well,

It's beginning to look a lot like Carn Dum;

Soon the aggro starts,

And the one that will draw the most, is the squishiest of hunters,

Right within your midst!

(Twisted version of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

O bustling town of Bree-Land,

How still you never are.

two-four / seven / three-six-five

No holidays you get!

Your bosses run you ragged

No shop allowed to close!

Repairs and sales so many made,

You lost track in the last age!

Elves, dwarves, hobbits and humans...

Even noobs and devs alike...

All welcomed in your many shops

Shh, don't tell, you know it's true:

The shopkeeps are all gold-farmers,

Though they'll never sell it!

And praises sing to JRR Tolkien,

We owe it all to him!

How wondrously, how wondrously,

Middle Earth...his mind, it made!

So from this world the devs drew upon

Speaking to the geeks in us!

Come ordinary human,

Log in and play a dwarf!

Where fellowing can still be fun,

Unlike "teamwork" on the job!

Where friends and strangers fellow,

To PUG, PUF or to quest!

When danger and elites are near,

Hey, burglar, hit it...

Your fellowship manuever!

Popped some hope, lost our dread,

We just pwnd that quest, even pwnd

That signature elite!

O residents of Bree-Land,

We thank your patronage!

Cast out gold-sellers and buy from us,

Your local retailers.

Don't forget we have a bard,

auctions and trainers, too!

O drink to us, with Aragorn,

He's waiting at Prancing Pony...

(Twisted version of "Over the River and Through the Woods")

Over past Adso's and Barrow Pass,

To Bombadil's we go.

The horse knows the way, too bad we can't ride!

Tom's waiting at his house.

Over past Adso's and Barrow Pass,

Oh, how the aggro nears.

The fear we feel until we near.

Whew, we made it there!

Now at Tom's house and on our next quest...

Book one, chapter eleven.

Oh, how we dread...the instance to come,

For it's in Great Barrows!

Down we go into Great Barrows,

Eek, the creatures smell our fear!

We're not uber and we're not elite

It's clear, they know that, too!

Down further now in their domain,

I wish I'd been a hunter.

Torn apart without desperate flight!

We should've have known to take it slow

Noobs, not knowing better!

Over past Adso's and Barrow Pass,

Back to Bombadil's we go

Another round; vengeance to come;

Whew, we just fellowed a minstrel!

(Twisted version of "Suzy Snowflake")

Here comes Sara Oakheart,

Found more trouble to get in,

Nag, nag, naggin' to be rescued again

Yes, she's really that blonde!

Here comes Sara Oakheart:

Soon you will hear her say,

"Will anyone help me? Will anyone please...?"

She's in trouble again!

If you want to make a level,

She'll help you gain some XP.

If you wanna test your limits,

Come and rescue her!

Here comes Sara Oakheart;

Look at her stressing out,

Grief, grief, griefing ev'ry fellowship

Sara's caught again!

(Twisted version of "The Holly and the Ivy")

The Holly and her pie quests,

When you are still a noob,

Of all the quests that are in the Shire,

You will rue them, her spoiled pies!

O the rising of the dough,

And the filling it's so runny,

No hungry hobbits should want her pies,

Unless they want the runs!

Holly Hornblower Bak'ries

 I feel nauseous even now;

Of all the food that's in the Shire...

"Hungry hobbits? Skip the pie!"

The Holly and her pie quests

so sick of them I was;

Any more and I'd report her

for harassing my quest log!

Holly griefed us all big-time.

I'm sure she knows it, too!

Any more and I'd report her

for food poisoning my toon!

Holly Hornblower's a b----

She did it all on purpose!

She's as evil as that Lalia,

But less so than (Sara) Oakheart.

The Holly and her pie quests,

When you are still a noob,

Of all the quests that are in the Shire,

You'll rue pies and mail the most!