Part 1 of 3: Going Postal

ATTN: Friends, Fiends, Countrypersons, Trolls and Lurkers

 

In the interest of increasing viewership and activity in the most base and superficial of ways, we at the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards have decided to hand out custom titles to each and every poster --- regardless of history, both good and bad --- most especially to those who realize the value of the absolute spammy +1's. Please log in as usual and remember to thank the Don’t Waste Your Breath staff later by posting more completely useless conversations held elsewhere between you and one other that you think are funny and everyone “must read.” For example, we at the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards find the following especially noteworthy and postworthy:

 

[Addressing his/her “electoral college”] Non-Dairy Creamer says, "Hi, hon."

 

[Public Chat] Hollow Driftwood says, "the Flat Tire's man-boobs are bigger than mine"

 

[“electoral college”] Bean Burrito Aftermath says, "Shut your effin cornhole!"

 

[Public Chat] Fickle Fluff says, "you popped my popcorn!”

(and the wonderful sequel to that post: [General] Fickle Fluff says, "Hot Air Babboon squirted his butter all over me. <3" )

 

Mustard Squirt says, "Wonderless Toothache said a 'phart is born.' Phart's not even a werd, homes! And pharts surely aren't born, they're made. What an idiot! Phart! Oops, I mean –Look at me Pharm!"

 

Brand-less Generic says, "Chicken egg came first!"

(Sorry, we had to throw in a quote from an unknown to appeal to the new or returning board members. Consider this our version of Equal Opportunity Posting and Affirmative Action troll quota filling.)

 

Flat Tire says, "We r teh Flat Tire."

 

Rotting Lemon says, "Non-Dairy Creamer, thwap teh Flat Tire for me"

 

[Public Chat] Non-Dairy Creamer says, "I logged in today"

(A chorus of oooh's and ahhh's ensue because only a few realize that Non-Dairy Creamer doesn't actually log in himself/herself. Usually, Bean Burrito Aftermath does that for him/her. He/She is afraid that the keys touched on the keyboard upon logging in will offend the ones that he/she doesn't touch and then he/she will have keyboard mutiny in which Bean Burrito Aftermath would have to handle for him/her.)

 

[Public Chat] Flat Tire says, "I'm not really here atm. Talk about Flat Tire like we’re not here lovely ladies”

 

 

Again, friends, fiends, countrypersons, trolls and lurkers, when you receive your custom titles, please thank your Don’t Waste Your Breath we-can-do-nothin' -but-effin-fluffin' staff by posting more topics such as those above! Oh, and one more thing…..+1 !!!!! *cackles with laughter*

 

Remember, your Don’t Waste Your Breath staff lubs you so long as you keep it to pre-school level content if you feel the need to put content in at all, though we greatly prefer low carb and content-free! (Our staff never finished primary school. Shhh.) Please also keep in mind that some of our moderation staff is allergic to moderating, so if you have questions or issues, please log off and DIACF (die in a car fire) as the kids tell each other! Thank you for your loyal superficiality and we hope not to hear from more of you soon, except for the +1's.

 

 

 

Part 2 of 3: The Titles

 

ATTN: Friends, Fiends, Countrypersons, Trolls and Lurkers

 

As previously stated, the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards will begin handing out custom titles to our posters in short order, short supply and shorter temper. Ahem, but anyway…we, here at the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards feel that these new custom titles will increase activity and readership on these boards without costing us much thought or effort. Some of these titles are, after all, rather obvious.

 

Please do not ask us to change your title in any way. Once you are given a title, it is yours to keep or have removed, but we will not be reissuing you the title of your choice. You're just the customer. Your opinion doesn't count. (Doh, hey guys….um, can we edit that part out before going to "print"? Some of the posters might actually know how to read and one or two might even bother reading this whole post. =p )

 

Without further adieu, the first titles to be handed out are as follows:

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for further updates on new things we plan to "roll out" that require almost no effort and yet we think will satisfy the most shallow of our posters so as to keep them here at the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards where shallowness always has a home and home never means anything deeper than a "hi", a "hon" or a single flat dry line smothered in cheap, generic syrup!! <3

 

 

Part 3 of 3: Theme Songs

 ATTN: Friends, Fiends, Countrypersons, Trolls and Lurkers

 

Today, we will begin rolling out the latest in our plan of enlivening our Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards. We will introduce a new feature available to all of our Don’t Waste Your Breath posters…the addition of theme songs.

 

However, in keeping with the ToS, we decided it best to choose the theme songs for each of you. This ensures that none of you will choose lyrics that violate our ToS; and saves our mods and management from yet more hassle of anything remotely related to having to perform their actual mod or management duties!

 

These new theme songs will begin playing whenever your post appears at the top of the board and/or when posters are reading your posts, viewing your profile, messaging you using our board system, etc.

 

If you find the music annoying, you have only 2 choices. First, you may "mute" the sound on your computer; however, we realize how inconvenient that is, so we will have a new option available when theme songs go into effect. The new option is available to paid subscribers only. If you have or pay for a subscribed account, you will be able to disable theme songs. It's just another way to annoy our posters and force you to pay us for not really doing much of anything of value to earn your money and loyalty. *wink*

 

Please note that the following themes are just the first in our roll-out of theme songs for posters. We thought you might like a "heads up" on this fun new feature that's bound to enliven our boards…we just know it! *grin*

 

 

 

Non-Dairy Creamer – Pink Flamingo lubs me this I know, for the ToS tells me so. Little ones to it do cower; they are weak, but it is connected. Yes, Pink Flamingo lubs me. Yes Pink Flamingo lubs me! (tune: Jesus Loves Me)

 

Fickle Fluff – Hey diddle diddle the cat likes Hot Air Babboon to diddle her fiddle! (tune: child's song Cat & the Fiddle or something like that =p )

 

Unnatural Bodily Infarction– Yes I like being an asshat, and getting caught up in flaming; yes, I'm not into playing role-playing; and I think I'm all that! Posting drivel upon drivel….on the boards so-ooo empty! (Escape aka the Pina Colada song)

 

Hot Air Babboon – Hot Air Babboon, Hot Air Babboon Whine (tune: Red Red Wine)

 

Flat Tire –Who let Flat Tires air out…woof woof woof (tune: Who Let the Dogs Out)

 

Acid Indigestion – One night in fables I swore….(tune: One Night in Bangkok)

 

Pink Flamingo – Poo-ooopsers, did it again! (tune: Oops, I Did It Again)

 

Hollow Driftwood – Don't wanna live without my own spam, I'm lost without my own spam… (tune: Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love)

 

Misplaced Microchip– I got friends with low post counts, where the +1's are rare in the hall of shame races, o-o-oh, I got friends, with low post counts! (tune: Friends in Low Places)

 

Uneven Parallel – We don't need no other asshats…we don't need no flaming troll (tune: We Don't Need No Education)

 

Charred Embers – don't know what you didn't really have, until you're banned; Now you know what you have; you should really go play pong (tune: Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone)

 

Bean Burrito Aftermath – I thought my post was just a post but I see, I'm flaming my way back to you…Let the asshat flame! (tune: Let the Music Play)

 

Tawdry – Moderator I am, your eyes are watching me, watching me, watching me…poster eyes! (tune: Private Eyes)

 

Potato Flakes – Baby boys do cry! It's my two-fiddy and if the internet’s down, I'll cry if I want to, whine if I want to, threaten to quit if I want to…you would whine to if you had to live with me (tune: Big Girls Don't Cry)

 

Maraschino Cherry – She's a maniac, maniac on the boards….(tune: Maniac)

 

Chalkboard Nails– I’m attacking you because you got your auction posted, and I need attention (tune: Pink's Let's Get This Party Started)

 

Vagrant Socket– I built this post count, I bult this post count on spam and flames…built this post count (tune: We Built This City)

 

Used Dental Floss – So caught up in silk, little flag, and I never did suspect I'd be so caught up in flags (tune: Caught Up in You)

 

Hooks N Snaps – I get lost in your posts, is it +1's that you spam? (tune: Lost in Your Eyes)

 

Frayed Sock Puppet – We Aren't Family. We could care less what your brother does to you. We aren't family…(tune: We Are Family)

 

Wonderless Toothache – Fame…I'm gonna live forever…I'm gonna learn how to post…I feel it starting in my joints…people will see me & cry, Fame…I'm gonna make it to troll…dumb!! (tune: Fame)  

 

 

We here at the Don’t Waste Your Breath Boards hope you enjoy these awesome new features we have for you! Remember, Don’t waste your breath on us and we won’t have to waste you!!
 

(The above is a work of fiction, so don’t waste your breath. *wink*)

 

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