(The following is in relation to the saga of message boards, trolls, fan clubs and the alleged staff writers therein. Not every board writer is a bad one, but then again…not every board writer is as “great” a “writer” as some of the populace would lead you to believe either. After all, a board writer is staff…and logic would dub that person a good one to kiss up to, hmm? Maybe other staff will be kinder & gentler to you for remembering the importance of planting your lips on the right set of “cheeks.” That said, read on to discover the inane abilities worthy of praising even you - so long as you’re staff somewhere - as  a “great writer.” Names above and below- other than my own -  are fictional and this is intended for your amusement, or my own. *grin*)

 

1. He/She can spell her own name.

2. Obviously, he/she knows how to use spell-check.

3. He/She has a keyboard.

4. He/She is “more connected” than you, and therefore everything he/she does is magic. His/her puking would even be prize-worthy to you!

5. He/She got your game- or life-related level brag, skill brag and/or other achievement brag in that update you praised him/her on.

6. His/Her tag/name is attached to the update.

7. You can't read English, so anything in it is great writing to you.

8. He/She *thwaps* you all the time.

9. He/She calls you Hon, Hun, Sweetie and the like…all the time, whether you “know” him/her to any real extent.

10. His/Her lapdogs will beat you down if you don't say he/she is a "great writer."

11. He/She found the enter key. (Of course, he/she would be the "best writer," if only he/she broke the enter key first! *whistles nonchalantly*)

12. He/She posts less congratulatory threads cuz he/she is too busy getting litter box trained at the moment.

13. You can't read……your babysitter logged you in & said she'd show you pr0n if you agreed to let her say that for you.

14. It was an easy +1……and you were thinking "so sue me, I lied about her skills. *shrug*" (That explains how some of those “American Idol” contestants are convinced they’re superstar material, too. Tsk! Tsk!)

15. You live in the middle of nowhere Nebraska. Even an ear of corn is "great" to you! (You're just that easy to please.)

16. If he/she was elected to “office” or is now…you know you’d be on staff, and him/her being a self-proclaimed writer finally gives you a responsibility he/she will let you perform as staff members……to tell him/her how great the writing is!

17. You thought his/her being a "great writer" meant he’s/she's a righty, not a "crumby lefty."

18. He/She is well connected to the “important” people. Always, always compliment the well connected or you might disappear like a Ms O from a message board…or was that an old urban legend they tell around obscure campfires?

19. Huh? You're thinking, "Is that what I said? My bad. I meant rider. Should've seen how he/she rode Pink Flamingo and Hollow Driftwood the other day while I R My Own Best Fans was *afk* and Hemolytic Sulfuric Acid was killing the spirits of unborn baby pixels. It was so sinful, it was almost against the board ToS."

20. He/She is a koala bear! <3

21. Hemolytic Sulfuric Acid, Pink Flamingo, Hollow Driftwood, Curdled Milk, Ninety-Seven-Point-Five Percent Thought Free, Tepid Water Masquerading as Cheap Wine, I R My Own Best Fans….and they're all as much an empty substitution as Non-Dairy Creamer, so she's got lots of raw material to expand on.

22. You write dyslexic thoughts & answers. *wink* *wink*

23. If you didn't say it, you would either immediately lose your membership in the “pop kiddies” club, or never hope to become a member in the first place, n00b!

24. You're trying to get noticed or "discovered."

25. You are Non-Dairy Creamer. Shhhh. Of all those numerous ID’s, you really are most of them yourself…or at least their ventriloquist. I R My Own Best Fans is Non-Dairy Creamer, Hemolytic Sulfuric Acid is Non-Dairy Creamer, Hollow Driftwood is Non-Dairy Creamer, Ninety-Seven-Point-Five Percent Thought Free is Non-Dairy Creamer, Sour Tart is Non-Dairy Creamer, Trained Monkey In Waiting is Non-Dairy Creamer, and so on and so on. =p Clones! (Said in your best Frau Forbissina voice, "Send in the clones!")

26. You have a post macro that posts at set intervals, randomly repeating what the popular kiddies in the majority say.  And every one knows pop kiddies <3 Non-Dairy Creamer. Must be that lactose intolerance. *wink*

 

 

Great authors, poets and other writers of all genres and classes…take heed. Skill is over-rated when you’re talking board writing. As long as you know how to operate a keyboard and mouse, you’re well on your way. And don’t forget the importance of the spell-check function. Or when you’re really stuck, remember, there’s always the thesaurus! Thank God that dinosaur isn’t extinct…or else we wouldn’t remember that instead of just calling you writers, we could also call you…authors, novelists, playwrights, poets, journalists, essayists…

 

 

Earnote: Now, for “great”….hmm, look that up in the thesaurus. That term has many different uses as an adjective. In one case, “great” is not as wonderful or complimentary as you think! Hmmm. Do you think what they were saying all along is that Non-Dairy Creamer is a horrendous writer…or even horrible, terrible or awful?! Maybe next time someone tells you how “great” you are at anything, you should question what they’re really saying…especially, if it was your boss who uttered the words! *gasp*

 

 

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