Guest, lurker, visitor, member or moderator...we've all seen those message board and forum posters we love to hate, hate to love or simply just want to personally moderate for whatever the reason. Whether it's useless spam, flame-baiting, bashing, trolling or some other form of post, imagine the fun you could have in moderating (in moderation, of course =p) a board, forum or even just a handful of random message board posters.

Many a board has its kinder, gentler mods/moderators, but for the real fun, let's go for the no-holds-barred moderator who comments with personality, sarcasm and sharp wit!

She's tough!

She's smart!

She's got more bite

than jalapenos and sharp cheddar cheese!

It's not a poster! It's not a troll!

It's not even a yoga position, it's......

Sarcas-a-Mod!

See below just what Sarcas-a-Mod might say in a forum near you! Maybe you'll even recognize individual posts and replies that would garner such responses next time you're perusing or posting on the forums!

Ready? Set? Let's moderate!

Read below or select a topic to jump to the relevant moderations.

Ass-Kissery  -  Flamebaiting  -  Grammar / Spelling

Incessant Quoting  -  Pulpet-Preaching

Trolling / Spamming

Try not to choke next time. You were almost believable in your sincerity. Almost.

 

Your nose is done. Please remove it from the oven. It’s brown. Our staff appreciates brown noses, but wishes you would refrain from blowing them in public. (Your noses, that is. =p)

 

*sniff* *sniff* I smell BS! Take an hour-long shower with orange peels, lemon wedges and vinegar. If that doesn't take the stench of BS away, rub yourself with skunk oil so we recognize you for the skunk you really, truly are.

 

Warning: Butt-kissing prohibited between 6am-9am M-F. License, application and permit required in advance for all other butt-kissing. Violators will be towed and banned at own expense.

 

Did you hear that? That was the sound of your balls dropping. Better run after them before they fall into the ocean at the bottom of the hill and you lose access to them forever!

 

The truth is out there. Maybe if you go look for it, you’ll do yourself a favor and actually stumble upon a backbone!

Personality. If you had some, you wouldn’t feel you had to flame those who do.

 

My middle finger salutes you for the ass you are. Now be a good little troll, and let the nice little aliens probe you again like it appears they have countless times before.

 

We regret to inform you we’re removing your ability to post until such a time when you no longer cause verbal radiation poisoning.

 

Which side of the cradle did you wake up on? Please get back to it, and don't return until you have been fully potty-trained and are done teething.

 

That one’s such an insult to insults my cat wouldn’t even throw that up in a hairball! If you’re going to put someone down, at least put some effort into it!

 

Oh, I’m sorry. Your thumb really is so far up your ass that you can reach the foot you just put in your mouth. That’s quite a "feet"! =p Maybe you should work on biting your tongue next.

 

You have reached these forums in error due to a system malfunction. You might think you're potty-trained, but your mouth isn't. Please return when your mouth has reached maturity.

 

Congrats! You are the winner of a no-expense-paid trip to reality. Try us again after the doc removes the ban-stick from your ass.

 

Hippos aren't even that moronic. Go find a dictionary you can submit a meaning to. Then look up "hypocrite," and add your name and all of your alternate ID's under it.

 

Even the "short bus" is too long for you. Put some training wheels on your post button before you try it again.

 

If you actually thought before you spoke, you could wire your own jaw shut, and only LOOK like an idiot instead of being one, too!

Ur grammahr en speeeleng sux. Go aks teh nearest fore-yeer-old 2 post fore j00. He or she can't do enny worse than j00!

Coherent thoughts 4tw. Learn some. The other posters wi11 thx u.

A keyboard is not a play toy! Please remove keyboard from mouth, wipe off drool and ask your parent or guardian to put child-locks on all keyboards in the household before someone really gets hurt!

Ditch the glue bottle. Copy/pasting belongs in elementary school. If you can't speak for yourself, don't bother!

Oh, you wanted the "copy center"? Let me direct you! Step away from the forums. Take 3 lefts, a right, 2 more lefts, 3 rights, walk at least 10 more blocks and when you reach a pay phone...check the local listings for a document center near you!

Quoters' Anonymous has been looking for you, but don't quote me on that.

What happens if you go 24 hours in a row without quoting anyone? Will the gods strike you down? Will you turn to stone? Let's find out, shall we?!

Hey, princess, let me know when your throne is free, maintenance wants to scrub that toilet bowl you’ve been sitting on!

We're not worthy...we're not worthy! Go now and spread the word...elsewhere. We will pray for your safe deliverance to some other forums where your holy guidance and superior counsel can do even greater damage to humanity.

I would never...could never...oh, oops, I can and I would! This congregation regrets to inform you...or rather "doesn't regret"...that you have been excommunicated. Find another congregation for your sermons. Buh-bye!

Blah, blah, blah. We get it already. You rule. We drool. Now, be a good pup and toss us a dog treat before heading to your next podium or pulpit, will you?

Shhhh. I'm busy saving money on my car insurance. Go preach to another choir.

Sorry, we can't hear you over the sound of your ego giving itself a thousand brush strokes.

Thank you, but I already have parents and I've reached my lifetime quota of sermons. Please recycle your post button and deposit any unused or future sermons in the nearest waste receptacle.

Self-absorbed ego-maniacal drivel. Strip nekkid and streak thru thru the roughest neighborhood around. Don't return until you've found humility and a few shreds of reality to cling to.

You lose 50 points in creativity. Next time you want to post, find a "post" IRL to bang your head on instead. Make sure you're bleeding profusely before you stop! =p

…if you only had a brain…but then, you’d need to know how to use it!

One word spam. Oh, look, you found the enter key and said your first word. How cute! Go have some alphabet soup and learn a few more. Maybe you could post two words next time!

Forget about me wanting the last 30 seconds of my life back. Your mom wishes she’d used birth control.

Now 100% content-free, calorie-free and taste-free! Looks like nothing. Feels like nothing. Completely tasteless and empty...a dieter's dream! But just how exactly will this help us fit into those size 0 jeans again?

If you didn't want to say anything, you should've told me. I'd have banned you sooner and made it so!

Due to lack of use, we have removed your keyboard and mouse, replacing them with a stick of chewing gum and a gerbil. Let's see how long before you notice the difference.

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