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Jackhammer |
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|
Go ahead. Look at me funny. I dare
you.
Oops, did I forget to tell you what I’d do if
you did? You’re
chiseled, but not like you hoped…you’re road kill,
literally! We could even make a movie of it. We’ll call it “Brokeback
Pavement.” |
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Nail gun |
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|
I'm sorry. Didn't you want
a third 'eye' between the other two?! |
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Belt sander |
| |
No, really. I just wanted to help
sand off that enormous zit on your forehead.
Sure, you can trust me! This technique worked on
mine last week! |
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Hammer |
| |
It's 'hammer time'! Let's play!
You hold out your hand. If you're fast enough, I'll
miss you; but if not...you get hammered...minus the liquor, of course!
=p |
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Electric drill |
| |
Don't run from me! I thought you
said you wanted some piercings! |
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Chainsaw |
| |
Who needs a Flowbee, razor or even
a scissors?! The chainsaw is all oiled up!
Now, who's ready for that haircut? |
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Jigsaw |
| |
Okay, ready to carve that
'turkey' now.
Get over here, son! |
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Screwdriver |
| |
When you said 'screw you,' I
thought you were serious. You shouldn't
say it if you don't mean it! What did you think I was going to do?! |
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Tape measure |
| |
Honey, put the tape measure down.
I wasn't lying. I just wanted to come in under 'estimate.'
Most people prefer it that way! *gasp* |
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Belt grinder |
| |
Well, you were busy and I
couldn't find the batteries.
I just wanted a massage! |
|
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Paint roller |
| |
Here, let me help you apply your
makeup more efficiently. I really do think 4 coats is a bit much.
You really only need 3.5 coats. =p Two...if
you use the paint sprayer. |
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Tool belt |
| |
Stand back. I'm a tool belt!
What do you mean it's not a karate title? Have you
seen me in action?! |
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Chisel |
| |
You don't need to spend all that
money on a tummy tuck. I can chisel you an hourglass figure if
you want. Sure, it'll hurt a little, but
like grandma always said, 'it hurts to be pretty'! |
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Wrench |
| |
For the last time, you are
not getting braces! Now, open
up...I'll just pull out a few teeth here and there. (Let me know if I
break a tooth, and I'll get a stump grinder to fix that when I'm done
pulling teeth.) |
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Branding iron |
| |
The only 'tattoo' you're getting
is this one. No needles or sterilization to worry about.
It may sting a little but hey...you're worth it!
=p |
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Needle-nose pliers |
| |
Quit picking your nose. Let me get
that nasty booger at the back of your nose out for you.
What else do you think needle-nose pliers are
for?! |
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Soldering iron |
| |
If you two really want to be
joined at the hip like that, Let me help you with that... |
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Edge trimmer |
| |
You've got a few rough edges in
your personality there. Sit back, and I'll
have you all fixed up in no time at all! |
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Wood chipper |
| |
By the way...your parents are in
town. They're staying for a month. (The instant wood chipper.
*gasp*) |
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Blow torch |
| |
Well, haven't you ever wondered
about what a pair of fire-breathing dragons did in private?
*waits a few minutes for you to get that*
Earnote:
Er...blow......now, did you get it?! |
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Wrench |
| |
Hold still! Almost got your
dislocated shoulder back in place. Should
I do the other one, too?! |
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Vise grips, Clamps
or even a
Caulk gun |
| |
Let me fix your jaw. Seems it
keeps falling open even though nothing intelligible ever comes out of
your mouth. |
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Nail puller / claw bar |
| |
Ingrown toenail?!
I'll save the day! Probably can't save your
toenail, or your toe for that matter, but what do you need those for
anyway?! |
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Plunger |
| |
Keep being a potty mouth. I don't
care. Flushing your mouth out with
soap didn't work, but I bet plunging you sure will! |
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Lawn Mower |
| |
No, I don't mind that you didn't
shave for the last 10 years... Mind if I
mow the lawn now...or should we wait another 10 years?! |
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Maul |
| |
You're right. I don't think that
bug crawled quite far enough up your ass either.
Let me drive it in further! |
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Shovel |
| |
If you hadn't already dug your own
grave, I could've helped.
However, now that you have...jump in. The least
I can do is finish the burial job! |
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Pickaxe |
| |
Excuse me, sir. I believe you have
a rather large piece of lettuce stuck between your teeth.
No, no...allow me to get that for
you! |
|
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Putty knife |
| |
Is it supposed to flop like that?
Maybe your putty is defective, and
cutting it off would cause it to grow back the right way! Then again,
are you even sure you were given one at birth?! |
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Seam roller |
| |
Wow, you really do gossip and talk
a lot without saying anything of value at all, don't you?!
Close your mouth. I can do us all a favor and seal
those lips once and for all! |
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Crimper |
| |
Nonsense, no one's cramping your
style. At least not anyone but you!
However, maybe someone should...or at least, crimp it! =p |
|
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Wire
strippers |
| |
Did someone call for an anorexic
exotic dancer? Let the party begin! |
|
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Extension ladder |
| |
Do you have a skylight?
I think we'll need the extra room. *wink*
*wink* |
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Sawhorse |
| |
Ever go bareback...?!
You should try me...I'm a great ride! |
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Rototiller |
| |
There's so much wasted space in
your brain. Let me till it. Surely,
there's something useful in there we can cultivate if we mash it
together! |
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Hatchet |
| |
Okay, enough with the mullet
already! Lay your head on the table over
here, and I'll take care of that hair-don't for you. |
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|
Lick an Ear: Onyx's Guide to
Insanity . . . .
enhancing verbal neurons
the natural way!
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