As full of crap as the "brag" letters may be or as sick as they may make you...they're out there, and we've probably all gotten at least one before. Or maybe you're even expecting one now? Well, not to "brag" or anything =p, but nothing can top this one! Though clearly a fictional brag letter, this one's so outrageous, it's sarcasm is bound to amuse!

Captain’s Log, Stardate 60365.9 (Earthdate 11.25.06)

The year’s journey has been long but fruitful. (Tasted like cherry and grapes.) We won the lottery, paid off all of our debts and gambled our remaining funds. Thus, doubling …no, tripling…them! We then began a trip around the universe! First stop, Mars; next, Venus! We’re planning to skip Uranus as we heard there were high levels of a potentially life-threatening gas there, not to mention, we’re hoping to visit another universe if time and resources allow.

Before our travels, we made it snow somewhere deep in the African jungle, walked on water AND parted the Red Sea of tomato soup just for “fun” one day while out to lunch with some friends.

Our friends, both near and far, are warm, caring, great and powerful individuals. Most of them are from the Superfriends’ Justice League, though some are from the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and a few are disguised as ogres, trolls, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie or even “normal” people. It’s hard, at times, to keep in touch as we traverse the universe…but luckily, they all have satellite, mental telepathy and great imaginations!

Earlier this year, My Better Half became the next apprentice for Donald Trump (cha-ching!); and I, the next Martha Stewart (post-prison, of course). Did you know that you really CAN wallpaper your whole house with Ivana Trump’s expired credit cards?!

I won an Emmy Award for my fearless portrayal of whoever it was I portrayed in the 20^th movie I made (co-starring Johnny Depp), while My Better Half won the Nobel Prize for his formerly super-secret, ultra-sensitive government project he worked on.

Our cats became the first cats to go to college, and on full scholarships, too! They both graduated in under a year. We’re so proud! One went pre-med, and the other is now a marine biologist. Well, one always did love fish, especially ocean white fish and tuna! Our younger cat minored in some nature field, and now works part-time as a bird-catcher while attending med school. He’s such a bird lover…he’s never met one he hasn’t wanted to eat! Even now, he grins like the cat that ate the canary…and I think he really did!

My Better Half & I started rigorous workout programs this year. For 1.5 months, we worked out for 6 to 8 hours per day. Our personal trainer was so good that I am now contracted to replace Linda Hamilton in Terminator 5, while My Better Half grew so strong, he became not only The Incredible Hulk, but also Superman and Barney! Well, the Barney part was actually a side effect of the steroids, so he’s stopped taking those…thank God! I just wish him being The Incredible Hulk didn’t mean he was green. I’m not sure if I’m kissing a superhero or a frog.

Oh, well. Good news is that he turned into a Prince…just for one day, though, as he was crowned King the next. He now runs a small country called Dairy, but luckily, he can do that through conference calls, satellite hook-ups and by channeling thru a psychic when all other options fail. Makes it easy to travel the universe, save the world AND still run a country without breaking a sweat and still have time for personal interests.

Now that My Better Half is King, I’m titled, as well…Dairy Queen! Best part is that it allows me free ice cream 24/7…and, all of the calories are removed before the spoon even touches my lips. All the deliciousness and none of the calories!

Even as rich as we have become, we still like to save a buck here and there. Let you in on a little secret, we just saved a bunch on spacecraft insurance by switching to Geico! We saved so much that we’re buying a football team, the North Pole, 3 square feet of land in San Francisco, 2 in New York and…a few high level government officials!

As we journey around the universe, My Better Half has also been spending time in the state-of-the-art one million dollar <insert Dr. Evil pose here> lab on our spacecraft. He’s on the brink of discovering the cures for cancer and for AIDS, as well as honing in on the fountain of youth.

While he’s in his lab, I’ve been busy writing. I have completed 15 novels that have recently been published best sellers, and have already been picked up for movie production. The producers feel these movies will be even bigger than Debbie Does Dallas, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and Star Wars combined! They also want me to be the female acting lead. It will be rough, but in-between my busy apprenticeship, other acting, writing and Queen duties…I think I can manage. Somehow, I still find the time to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let My Better Half forget he’s a man! At the end of the day, all he has to do is put up his feet, tell me about his day and I’ll do all the rest……well, in some universe, maybe.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that rock, rap, pop or jazz! 

Warmest regards,

"X"

P.S. It’s all true……except that part about me being the next Martha Stewart. Me, Martha…yeah, right!

Captain’s Log, Supplemental

Seriously, another year has passed and we made it through…we’ve grown, we’ve changed…and we finally found Jesus. Apparently, he’s been hiding under a rock all these years in Mexico, telling everyone to call him “Hey-Zeus.” No wonder he was so hard to find!

Hope you’re all happy, healthy and a little wiser than last year…but not too wise!

Oh, almost forgot…since we’re such upstanding, philanthropic, charismatic icons…we got you each a special gift. Just ask George Costanza. We donated a rather large sum of money in each of your names to the “Human Fund.” (What? Do you doubt us?! Suppose you don’t believe in Santa Claus either then, huh?!)

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