(Twisted version of "O Holy Night")

O icy night! My balls are frozen solid,
It is so cold I think hell froze over.
Long is the list of those I still must buy for,
Why didn't I shop sooner than Christmas Eve?
Pain in the butt, the damn clerks are scoffing,
I'm an idiot, no need to remind me!
I beg you please! Oh, God, stop the bell-ringing!
O night so cold, I nearly died shopping;
O night, O Freezing Cold, Frostbitten Night!
O night, Friggin Cold, Can't-Feel-My-Toes Night!

Fell on the ice, and even spilled my coffee,
Now I am pissed, I need some more caffeine!
In the stores I rush to grab that last toy,
But someone beat me to it, "Merry friggin' Christmas!"
"Shove a tree up your ass, you old codger!"

I'll take it from him when he's not looking.

I'll teach him for waiting to shop Christmas Eve!
That toy is mine! Don't make me use the force!
That toy is mine! Don't make me use the force!

I can't have frozen my balls off for nothing,
I'll get that toy and his silly hat, too!
So what if he's a fat man dressed as Santa.
He doesn't fool me, he's as drunk as me.
I'll hit his pimped out ride in the parking lot.
We'll exchange insurance, and I'll grab that toy!
Effin Santa! He can't even hold his liquor!
It's like stealing from a newborn babe, but hey,
It's Christmas and I am taking that friggin' toy!
 

(Twisted version of "O Christmas Tree")

O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
How fat you make his butt look;
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
How fat you make his butt look;
His butt looks just like J-Lo's,
So squeezable some can't resist.
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
It's your fault we harass him!

O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
He's so hot when dressed in you;
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
He's so hot when dressed in you;
We want to help him take you off
To see the package proud and free!
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
Unveil your greatest present!

O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
It's not the size that matters!
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
It's not the size that matters!
From base to summit, we'll hold tight,
We hope it grows out in the light!
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
You better be highly skilled!

O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
I won't be fooled next Christmas!
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
I won't be fooled next Christmas!
Try the kama sutra or else,
There's no more naughty, I'll be nice!
O Santa Suit! O Santa Suit!
Maybe you could try enlargement?!

(Twisted version of "Home for the Holidays," Carpenters)

Oh, there’s no place like a pub for the holidays,
'Cause no matter which barstool you may choose,
They have beer, they have lots o' drinks and beer-goggling chicks,
For the holidays, you can’t beat drunkenness.
 

I met a chick who's into bondage gear,
And she showed me her latest toys...
Handcuffs, whips and metal chains!
From bondage gear and toys she had me simply 'mastering'
To her heated core,
From leather whips to metal chains,
Gee, the sperm count is terrific.

Oh there's no place like a pub for the holidays,
'Cause no matter which barstool you may choose,
If you want to be overexposed indecently,
For the holidays,
You can’t beat drunkenness!
 

(Twisted version of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer")

Santa nearly stunk us out of our house

Farting as he left gifts Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no fat, stinking Santa,

But wait 'til it is you unconscious from the fumes!

He'd been eating too much fried foods,

And he always added spices.

Santa forgot his antacids,

So he farted in our house, and not just once!
 

When we smelled it seconds later,

Smelled worse than skunks in an orgy!

Noxious fumes, explosive gasses,

And incriminating presents by the tree.
 

Santa nearly stunk us out of our house,

Took a dump so big we called the cops.

The waste was dubbed 'extreme biohazard.'
Guys in suits took it out, shouting "Holy crap!"
 

Now we're all so pissed at Santa,

If he shows up one more year,

We'll shove that sleigh and all his reindeer,

So far up his ass he'll never live to fart again!
 

Farting Santa ruined our Christmas.

All the family smells like dung!

And we all can't help but wonder:

Is it worse to be white trash or Santa's commode?

Santa nearly stunk us out of our house,

Farting as he left gifts Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no fat, stinking Santa,

But wait 'til it is you unconscious from the fumes!

Now the flies buzz all over us.

All the food tastes like cow pies.

And no amount of air fresh'ner,

Could dull that scent nor the awful memory.
 

I've warned some friends and strangers,

"Better watch that big fat elf!"

Never know when the biggest gift

Left behind will be the fart that never dies!

Santa nearly stunk us out of our house,

Farting as he left gifts Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no fat, stinking Santa,

But wait 'til it is you unconscious from the fumes!

(Twisted version of "Santa Baby")

Sexy Santa,
Just slip yourself under the tree,
For me.
Been so naughty, I have!
Sexy Santa, caress me so softly, please, this night!

Sexy Santa, I'm flexible as a gymnast, too ---
Upside down,
Or pretzel twist, oh, my!
Sexy Santa, you could fill my silk stocking so tight.

Think of all the steam you've missed
Comin' round just once a year, isn't that a shame?
All year, so naughty we could be...
I'd make your 'list' longer, just see.

Sexy Santa, I want you all over me so hot,
All night!
Been so devilish all year.
Sexy Santa, fill my stocking with your coal tonight.

Santa sweetie, I'm so horny you're all I need
Right now.
Let me handle your sleigh.
Sexy Santa, I want a slow ride...let's make it twice!

Santa sweetie, please fill my stocking with coal so huge
I scream
Your name, whatever it may be...
Santa sweetie, please tell me Santa's not your real name!

Come and kiss me right in the 'tree'
I brought the lotion, dimmed the lights...I want your sleigh!
Your Santa suit makes me so hot
I'd like to see you with it off!

Sexy Santa, please don't forget to bring the reindeer,
Oh yeah,
Their fur, it feels so smooth!
Sexy Santa, slip your coal in my stocking so tight.
Let's do it slow, you feel so right!
Coal me...all night!

(Twisted version of "Caroling, Caroling")

 Spending, spending money I don't have,
Credit card bills are mounting!
Spending, spending money all over,
Thank God they take credit!

Whining kids and crazed adults...
No debt too great, too soon!
Ding dong, ding dong,
Thank God they take credit!

Spending, spending, shopping all season
There's no way I can pay!
Spending, spending, flat screens and sweaters...
What's my credit limit?
I'm going broke, but I don't care!
I can't find half my receipts!
Ding dong, ding dong,
Thank God they take credit!

Spending, spending, next year's salary.
Eeek! I've passed my limit!
Wait! Stop! Don't cut up my credit cards!
I'm not done shopping yet!
No more credit, what will I do?
This year's over, think of next...
Ding dong, ding dong,
I'll just file bankruptcy!