Drink Guinness. Do so in mass quantities. Drinking “in moderation” or small amounts clearly will not do! (Bushmills Irish Whiskey may be substituted for Guinness, if you are *gasp* not a beer-lover.)

Dress in your greenest of greens. A green green will do, but neon green would be best if you’re looking to really stand out as the non-conformist’s version of conforming to the St. Patrick’s Day holiday traditions. And what’s more, when you get to Step 3, whether good or bad, your jig will get more notice in neon. Forget skill. You’ve got style! And you bought it for $2.99 at the local thrift store. You’re the envy of all the poser-chauns today!

Learn to dance a “jig.” Then, do it! Leprechaun Posers may need to repeat Step 1 until drunk before mastering an Irish jig. Remember, stumbling and falling down…is probably all just part of the dance. *winks*

Drink more Guinness or Bushmills Irish Whiskey. If you run out of either, then you have failed in your quest to Leprechaundom. A good Leprechaun always has an endless supply somewhere nearby!

Allow your friends to dye your hair red! Works best when drunk, for there is no going back! However, never under any circumstances, let them dye your skin green. Bad idea! Very bad! You don’t want to be mistaken for a frog, even if you think someone may kiss you hoping to turn you into a prince.

Drink more. Guinness. Irish Whiskey. Irish Cream. Vino/Wine. Cooking sherry…but only if you’ve run out of all other options and the pub has refused you service.

While drunk, learn Irish slang and Irish Gaelic phrases and terminology. When said in a drunken slur, they will be all the more perfected. Use the slang and phrases you just learned. Also, periodically mention pots of gold, shamrocks and your “paddy” who you should always remember on St Paddy’s Day!

Kick the arse of whoever mistook your Irish accent as Scottish.

Repeat steps 1, 3, 4, 6 and 7 in any order. Repeat for as long as you plan to play Leprechaun. For change of pace, you may get a Shamrock shake in place of a drink previously mentioned. However, since you’re playing Leprechaun, you should spike your shake with Irish Whiskey or add some Irish Cream to it!

Wanted: Little green man that isn’t from Mars!  Has the coloring of an ogre, stature of a garden gnome and disposition of a jolly Christmas elf minus the unfashionably ridiculous tights and jingling shoes. May also be mistaken for a hobbit due to size and lush green habitat of choice. Often found near rainbows and fields of shamrocks, dancing a jig merrily while drinking from a Pint in one hand and holding another Pint in the other. Will know this is the real “little green man” as he doesn’t spill a drop of the beer, even while dancing a jig! Is attracted to soft strains of Irish folk songs, and to scents of beer and shepherd’s pie. Little green man comes with “lucky charms” and blarney stone, pre-attached. If you see him, please let me know. Reward offered for the safe capture and return of the missing little green man. Last seen dressed in green under the rainbow, pissed up and collecting what appeared to be gold coins from a large black pot. Little green man is not considered armed and dangerous, but definitely off his nut and enjoys acting the maggot. No twistin’ hay! Just bring the banjaxed blackguard in before he finds another rainbow!

ISO SGL (Single Green Leprechaun) for fun, frolic and foostering long, lazy weekends getting pissed up, hammered, locked, bollixed, fluthered, ossified, paralytic, plastered, shlossed, stocious, scuttered….aka drunk. Must enjoy pub crawling and shenanagans, with no adversity to throwing shapes and slagging culchies on occasion. If that sounds like craic to you, you’re gone in the head enough for me, ya mingin’ wanker!

Wanted shoe specialist/cobbler. EOE (Equal Opportunity Employer) seeking to fulfill position for experienced cobbler. Affirmative Action plan requires a Leprechaun fill this position. Will provide training if necessary. Paying in shamrocks and Guinness. Keep your nose to the blarney stone and you will be well rewarded! Quarterly “pots of gold” bonuses a possibility. Professional work environment is clean, though sometimes wet but there’s always a silver lining and a rainbow nearby!

Leprechaun dance lessons offered. Learn the art of Celtic, step-dance, traditional Irish jigs and more! Nothing says romance like a little green man showing you the moves, because if they work for a little green man…those moves surely can’t fail you!

Business Opportunity. Lager-making at its finest. Sample your own creations…and get drunk on the job! Perfect opportunity for Leprechauns, trolls, sprites and faeries! Profit not guaranteed but it could be the most fun you’ve ever had at work! Pay yourself to drink like a fish…or an Irishman!

Leprechaun cobbler seeks companionship. Enjoys long walks under rainbows. If you have a shoe fetish, look no further. Leprechaun cobber is eager to please and to dress your feet in the finest fabrics and stitches. Cute and cuddly though a little obsessive about greenery. Owns plot of land with its own blarney stone in lush green countryside.

 LeprechAnon. Are you green? Feeling jealous and small all the time? Do you suffer the paranoia that your green is too light or too dark, or that your shamrock is smaller than most? Or are you simply a Leprechaun wannabe who’s hiding beneath an enormous amount of green make-up and red hair dye? LeprechAnon. See what we’re all about. LeprechAnon is a support group that meets every Tuesday and Thursday from 6pm until whenever we pass out. Must bring own ale or spirits. Blarney stonings performed if we’re not satisfied with your folk tales before we pass out.

ISO - Paddy! Leprechaun abandoned beneath rainbow seeking to find long lost paddy. Paddy is green, and sometimes uses the alias of “bridge troll,” co-habitating with a faerie underneath a bridge at night and collecting fees from passersby in the daytime who wish to cross his bridge. When last seen, Paddy’s Irish eyes were smiling and he smelled of cheap vino. He answers to the name of St. Patrick although his real name is unknown. Also, he may mistakenly claim he drove the snakes from Ireland. Paddy may be suffering amnesia and frequent blackouts. If you see Paddy, please ask him “Who’s your laddie?!”