How many times in past years have you made a New Years resolution you knew you just couldn't keep? Got a New Year's party to attend and think you'll make another resolution you couldn't possibly keep, no matter how hard you try? Well, think again!

This year, you can keep your resolutions. You just need to resolve to resolute a realist's resolutions. What are those? Look below, and maybe you'll find a resolution with which you can relate! When no other resolution will do for you, be sarcastic, be dark-humored, be honest......be real. You may never have to break another New Years resolution again!

I resolve to...

...snap at the first chipper "morning person"  that won't stop smiling or talking when it's not even 6 or 7a.m....and some of us are still mentally "sleeping" even if we are (or just appear to be) physically awake.

I resolve to...

...eat the last cookie. And if I'm feeling particularly devilish, I'll leave the cookie jar out so you'll think there's still some left. Mwuhahaha!

I resolve to...

...sleep in on a Sunday. Better yet, I resolve to sleep in almost every Sunday and on random Saturdays, too!

I resolve to...

...take a "sick" day off of work when I'm not sick.

I resolve to...

...gain weight. Sure, I might workout or claim to "eat right," but who am I kidding?! I'm going to gain weight. It's the law of averages, birthdays and average birthdays. A pound here, an ounce there...yes, I will gain weight, and I can even resolve that you probably will, too! =p

I resolve to...

...say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person on the wrong day. And furthermore, I resolve to do it more than once!

I resolve to...

...workout...at least once...this year. I might even try it twice. If I workout more than that, you have my permission to alert the press, the local authorities and/or attending physicians within a 200 mile radius of my home.

I resolve to...

...steal candy from a baby, even if that "candy" is no candy at all, nor is that "baby" really a baby.

I resolve to...

...hurt someone's feelings just because I can...okay, and maybe because I want to as well! What can I say?! I'm human. You're human. Hurt happens.

I resolve to...

...curse and swear when I feel like it. And quit telling me to "go *bleep*" myself!" *Bleep* you! I didn't even *bleeping* say any *bleeping* thing yet!

I resolve to...

...laugh behind my own back...and someone else's, too! Now, turn around. (I feel hysterics coming on! =p)

I resolve to...

...kill...an undisclosed number of spiders, ants, bugs and/or other small pests or rodents. I even resolve that I might gain personal satisfaction and enjoyment from it. I wouldn't "pester" me, if I were you......

I resolve to...

...hold a grudge over someone for something stupid or small for some unreasonably long period of time. After all, there is no official statute of limitations on grudge-holding!

I resolve to...

...treat myself to something special because I'm special, and not just in that "Olympic" sort of way. =p

I resolve to...

...not love my neighbors as I love myself. That would just be wrong and my fingers aren't that easy, sleazy or loose!

I resolve to...

...come to a "rolling stop" at many an intersection otherwise devoid of traffic and pedestrians.

I resolve to...

...bite the hand that feeds me...a number of times (probably because it's so tasty)!

I resolve to...

...sing when no one else can hear me. No matter how beautiful or horrid my voice, only the walls, the shower and the car will know.

I resolve to...

...make mistakes, some I'll even learn from......and others, I'm probably destined to repeat!

I resolve to...

...try to be a better friend......better person......better sibling / parent / grandparent and/or other relative......better human being. Remember, I said "try." No guarantees. No exchanges.

I resolve to...

..."cheat" on something......test, diet, SO, eye exam, solitaire, etc.

I resolve to...

...lie...about my weight or height (especially if for a driver's license)......about my strengths, weaknesses and/or experience during a job interview......about whether or not that outfit makes your butt look fat or that color makes you look too sallow......or even about what I really think about your family, friends or that new haircut......

I resolve to...

...oversleep or hit the "snooze" button one too many times, if not three or four!

I resolve to...

...be part of the problem instead of part of the solution. Why fix something when "broken" is so much more dramatically innnnteresting?!

I resolve to...

...get caught in the rain without an umbrella, a raincoat, a raft, an ark, a hoodie or a plan.

I resolve to...

...forget someone's birthday, anniversary or other special occasion......maybe even my own. Don't knock it...it'll make the celebration last longer, and isn't that more special then?!

I resolve to...

...be a bad driver when driving in someone else's state or country, thus giving others in my own state or country a bad name. I will drive too slow or too fast, change lanes unnecessarily, forget to use my blinkers, follow too closely, hold up traffic with my confusion as to where I'm going......

I resolve to...

...take the credit for someone else's good work, while blaming someone else for things that turn out poorly. I might even blame Ms Onyx.

I resolve to...

...throw in the towel......then ask for it back when I realize that I gave up too easily or too soon, especially if I'm just getting out of the shower and really need that towel!

I resolve to...

...to kick more ass than I kiss, for I'd rather have more of a kick and less of that "cheekiness" pressed to my lips.

I resolve to...

...misunderstand or misinterpret others, sometimes on purpose.

I resolve to...

...jump to conclusions. I may not be a frog, but I've certainly met some lily pads I couldn't wait to escape. Whether they've made me jump from bridges or to conclusions, hey...at least it sounds like exercise!

I resolve to...

...be late to something when it matters to someone; early when it matters to no one......and extremely early, when someone insists that I be "fashionably late."

I resolve to...

...fart, and if it's really smelly......blame it on the person next to me.

I resolve to...

...lose my patience.....even with myself!

I resolve to...

...to expect too much and demand even more!

I resolve to...

...lick an ear...maybe even more than once...literally, and figuratively! (You had to see that suggestion coming, or at least taste it. *wink*)

And if all else fails...simply mumble your New Year's resolution so no one can hear exactly what you said. After all, you couldn't possibly break your resolution if no one understood it or heard what it was in the first place!

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