It's that time of year again - Thanksgiving in America. We marinate in wine, baste ourselves with glaze or gravy and stuff ourselves like a turkey...or rather, drink wine and stuff ourselves with turkey on Thanksgiving. We gather with family or friends; thankful if we're fortunate to have either --- and even more fortunate if we have both --- even the blondest of families and the worst of friends. =p

Even if "Cousin Eddie" farts,"

Aunt Tess" can't stop talking about her bunions, hip fractures and the neighbors she compares to hip-fractured bunions,

and "Gary" (the "family friend" your family treats better than you) makes you sick with his over-exuberant positivity......

REMEMBER: It could be worse!

There's always something for which to be thankful.

Forget the traditional thanks. How about giving thanks as you'd really like to...for all those things in your mind you're afraid to voice in front of the family and/or friends who don't know you as well as they think they do? I won't bore you with all the happy-go-lucky, touchy-feely thanks, love and kisses. Instead, let's be real. Let's be honest. There is no thanks too selfish, too pathetic, too snide, too dark or too sarcastic. Go ahead, lick an ear --- even if it's your own --- with the thanks you truly mean.

Thank you for...

Good hair days...or wigs, clips and hats that hide the 143 bad hair days you had last year.

Whipped cream in an easy to use spray can. Without you, canned whipped cream, there would be a lot less sundaes built on the naked human form. And that's just too tragic to imagine!

Alcohol on karaoke night that makes some people think they can sing, while allowing others to withstand the horrors their ears are subjected to as that drunk guy who can't hold a note goes up to sing for the 5th time of the night.

That 55-year-old woman you saw at the mall, still wearing a "rat tail" left over from the 1980's. You haven't laughed that hard since, well...the 1980's, when it was actually a trend whose appeal you just never understood.

"Happy Hours"...and them actually lasting longer than an hour. Drink, good. Drunk, better. And if there's a bar with "Happy Hour" on Thanksgiving...the best!

String bikinis. Thongs. G-strings. Edible undies. And making others wonder...are you even wearing any? Or even having those to stare at, wondering, are THEY wearing any?

Guys with erections in tight pants.

Chicks with cleavage who aren't afraid to show it.

Fantasies. Dreams. And being old enough not to have to censor yourself or turn an R- or X-rating into a "G-"...unless you add "spot" to the end of that. *wink*

Sinfully delicious chocolate, cheesecake, ice cream, warm apple pie, oven-fresh bakery...not to mention the countless flavor selections of body frostings and paints.

You actually NOT turning into your own mom, dad or even older sibling.

People with two-left feet not being afraid to line-dance so the rest of us have something to laugh at...even if it means laughing at yourself because you might be one of them.

'Love' in the afternoon.

In the morning.

In the evening.

While hanging upside-down from the ceiling fan.

'Love' that comes with or without rug burns.

In the park.

In the backseat.

In your neighbor's yard.

That smart kid in class that let everyone cheat off of him/her.

For knowing that group of kids who teased you endlessly in your youth are probably now mainly fat, bald, hairy and gray before their time.

For anything that invigorates, enhances, rejuvenates, revitalizes or restores. Hair restoration. Penile implants. Breast augmentation. Little blue pills.

Anti-aging.

Anti-wrinkle.

Anti-psychotics.

Anti-coagulants.

Anti-virus.

Anti-anti's.

The wrong choices made...and living through them. The right choices made...and messing them up.

Saving $2.40 at the grocery store last time because you had a "super saver card."

Radio personalities saving us from their hideous looks.

Supermodels that don't talk because they actually realize they're not admired for their brains.

'Age appropriate' clothing, and having the audacity to dare to defy!

'Before' and 'After' shots.

Flu shots that don't make you hurl, even if they made someone else hurl.

Jello shots.

Body shots.

The bliss of ignorance.

The agony of your own defeat.

NAFTA making electronics more affordable.

Peace of mind, and giving someone a 'piece' of that mind when you can spare it.

Snooze alarms, Sundays and sick days...especially if you're not really sick.

Candlelight and shadows obscuring your view of the unsightly.

Moles, zits, scars and stretch marks turning the perfect to imperfection.

Demotions lightening your work load, and layoffs erasing your workload completely.

Felony crimes and the criminals committing them. They make you look better in comparison. =p

Confessionals, and knowing you can be forgiven instead of just forgotten.

Being able to choose the lesser of two or more evils on election day.

Carrot cake not tasting like carrots.

Wising up even if that wisdom is more than you really wanted to know.

Good bowel movements...or bad ones in the right place at the right time.

Sidewalk sales.

Clearance sales.

Bargain bins.

And getting away with the five-finger discount you took on a pack of gum when you were only seven.

That outfit you just "had to have" no matter the cost. It really does bring out your assets, and the one you wanted to notice it....noticed!

Foreplay.

After play.

Playing with fire and not getting burnt...too much.

Role play.

Game play.

Two-ply toilet tissue.

Gambling to lose the shirt off someone else's back, instead of your own.

Hangovers only lasting a day.

Friends with money.

Friends with money who splurge on you.

Friends with money who never let you pay. Never!

Friends with money who loan you money and cancel your debt before you can pay.

Friends with money who don't care whether you have it or not.

Family that lets you be yourself, even in their presence.

Birds of a feather flying together, and the feathers that fly when the cat finds them.

The speeding ticket that didn't lead to a 2nd one in a month's time.

Speed bumps.

Goose bumps.

Bumps on the head.

Grandmas telling stories with words like "bumpity bump."

Your parents not having named you something like ESPN, Apple, Rumor or Phinnaeus.

Thanksgiving being a day off of work, or two days off, if you're really lucky!

Sarcasm, dry wit, laughter and smiles that last for more than 2 minutes.

Bellies that ache from laughter.

Lips that hurt from smiling too much.

To all the turkeys...ahem...family, friends and strangers out there...

Happy Thanksgiving!

(Oh, and that tingling sensation you just felt in your ear? You can blame us for that.)

***Earnote: Lick an ear with words of 'unordinary' thanks or with tongue. We suggest words unless you're not closely related and aren't planning to star in a taping of "The Jerry Springer Show."

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