Useless advice to help you blindly navigate through the agendas, squabbles, clueless idiocy and utterly diabolical insanity families have, create, cause and have been known to be! With a little help, you can survive your relatives and all their drama...relatively speaking, of course.

If you want it done right...and you want it done soon...keep the family out of it!

They're just itching for something to fight about, even if they all agree. They'd rather all agree on disagreeing for the sake of argument.....and because no one wants to admit they were shorted balls in the gene pool! (Not even the female relation!)

Too much family in the kitchen spoils the appetite.

It's better for the digestion if you stay out of the kitchen at all costs. Staying out keeps you from pissing on anyone's cornflakes...and hopefully, them from pissing on yours!

But if you're still afraid...avoid cornflakes at all costs! It's the smart choice, especially if your family is going through one of its pissy phases where everyone seems to be pissed at someone in the family!

Don't get involved...pretend you were orphaned at birth and raised by pod people on another planet.**

And if that isn't imaginative enough or fails you somehow...scratch yourself and make nothing but monkey noises. They'll realize you'll be of less help if you're on their side than not on any side at all...if the best thing you can say is "oooh ooooh, ahhh ahhh...banana, me likey."

Avoid Side-taking.

You'll be considered much more harmless if you not only avoid property lines and ownership, but also appear not to grasp the concepts at all! In fact, if you were ever stuck as a child having to share a bed with a sibling...completely wipe this from your mind.

Never ever even claim a side of the bed is, was or ever will be yours or you could risk unknowingly "taking someone's side"! And then, you'd really be in for it...even if that side was really just your own all along.

Don't get all bent out of shape now!

If it didn't already happen due to birth defects when you were born......why do it now of your own free will?! Your family's just not worth getting bent out of shape over if a few bad genes didn't force it upon you from the start!

You can lead a relative to a truce, but you can't make him or her offer it, agree to it or make it a compromising position!

In other words, watch a movie, have sex, play sports....do something...anything but lead a relative (or a horse) around. You weren't born in a referee's uniform. It didn't fit then and it still doesn't fit now. Plus, the colors and design are all wrong for you. No matter how silly, inane, serious, offensive or disturbing a relative's dispute is...compromise is easier said and suggested than done.

Unfortunately, suggesting it only gets you misunderstood and likely in trouble (but at least it's not the pregnancy sort of "trouble"...or it better not be as I'm no Jerry Springer and I'm not trained or paid to hear about kissing cousins!), no matter how good your intentions.

And most importantly, remember this: The nuts never fall far from the......

Yeah, that's right. Like all families, you know yours is full of nuts. Watch out, some are more bitter than others and others...more seasoned than you! Don't try to stand out as a cashew or almond...blend blend blend!!!!! The less attention you draw to yourself, the sooner the seasoned nuts will find a new target upon which to focus their salty remarks.

P.S.   Families...ya just gotta love 'em, don't ya?!

**Earnote: Sounds almost like your real family sometimes anyway, doesn't it?!

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