"Form" a Friend

Got a close friend, fiend or special "friend" you haven't heard from in awhile? One you miss...would like to hear from a little more often or simply one that just never replied to that last letter, phone call, fax, text message, voice mail, private message, email or distress signal you sent? Then, it's your lucky day!

Dear <insert your own name, nickname, pet name, alias or other alter ego ID here>,


I, <insert your friend's name or nickname here>,

_____ Miss you desperately

_____ Miss you not in the least

_____ Wish you were here (to do the laundry)

_____ Wish you were here (to smack around like a punching bag)

_____ Wish you were here (for hugs, fluffles and bumps in the night)

_____ Can't remember who you are and why you keep phoning, messaging, texting and/or emailing me

_____ Need another bottle of ___ rum   ___ baby formula   ___ overpriced water   ___   liquor...any kind!

___ beer   ___ the pink stuff   ___ squeeze cheese   ___ tartar sauce   ___ schnapps   ___ liquid cow dung

_____ Need 60 more smacks on the head

_____ Can't think straight now that you put that hot but nasty image of *$%^#*% and *&#^@ in my head!

_____ Want to be a lap ___ kitty   ___ doggy   ___ top   ___aroscopy   ___ sed memory

_____ Want to remember what happened at the party during those 2 hours I forgot  17 years, 3 months, 2 days, 1 hour and 14.5 minutes ago

_____ Want to be a lampshade dancing around in someone's granny's undies

_____ Want to see someone else dancing around on a lampshade as someone else's granny's undies

_____ Miss you slightly more than I would a fly at a picnic

_____ Long for sweet things like donuts, cookies, chocolate, cherry juice, the 21 year old hottie across the street

_____ Want to reroll/reincarnate and start anew

_____ Want a new reality show (this is not my life & I don't want to claim it!)

_____ am a 2-foot-long gnarly looking Gila monster, at home, at work and even in your strangest fantasies

_____ am not really a Gila monster but I'd play one just for a look at your strangest fantasies

_____ Need to remember I can't have anyone at hello if I don't say "hello" every so often

_____ Have fallen and I can get up...with the help of some strange blue pills

_____ Will try to remember to contact, reply and send you warm thoughts of pee in your swimming pool

_____ Will try to remember to contact, reply and send you warm thoughts of apple pie

_____ Will try to remember to warm your buns, squeeze your juice and fry your bacon

_____ Will try to remember it's my buns, my bacon and my juice spilled all over the kitchen table when I just fantasized the line above this one

_____ Lost everything in a freak Monopoly game incident

_____ Honestly have no idea how much you miss me but you must as you're sending me this convoluted "form" check-off letter

_____ Wish I could say all those things in my heart

_____ Wish I could say all those things in your heart

_____ Wish I hadn't forgotten to carry a towel with me at all times

_____ Keep forgetting 42 is not the answer to your age, IQ or any of your measurements

_____ Wish I wasn't a green-skinned ogre with a nose to grind

_____ Wish I wasn't but you WERE a green-skinned ogre with something to grind

_____ Need to remember that my friends love me and only do things like this to remind me they're there and they miss me

_____ Forgot I really do have your phone number, email, mail address, worldwide coordinates, locator beacon, last dime, firstborn, etc.

_____ Ran off to ___ be the man on the moon ___ be with the man on the moon

_____ Am currently out of office (and mind)...will get back to you if the situation clears up

_____ Accidentally got spayed/neutered when the vet mistook me for a woolly mammoth

_____ Need to get more RAM so I quit forgetting that I really did mean to reply

_____ Had a ___ lobotomy   ___ burning sensation that I cannot discuss   ___ cavity filled   ___ breakthrough in therapy last week

_____ Did I say RAM?! *cough* *clears throat* *cough* *cough*

_____ Wait, didn't you say something about missing me?! <3

_____ Am digging out from under the 6 feet of earth and dirt someone threw on top of me at work

_____ Just went to a courtroom and swore at the judge

_____ Just went to a courtroom and swore on a stack of bibles with a judge, 3 convicts and a fully jury as my witnesses,

that I'd get better at that c-word thing...cat, communion, commercial, communal, er...communication! 





_____ Signed,

_____ Sincerely,

_____ Delusionally,

_____ Drunkenly,

_____ Undeniably,

_____ Undeniably Deniably Demonically,

_____ XXX OOO X O X O, XXX oh oh oh! *blush*

_____ Regretfully,

_____ Respectfully in the evening before the morning,

_____ Kindest Regards,

_____ *Hugs*

_____ *Kisses*

_____ *Licks Your Ear*

_____ Spankfully,

_____ Thankfully,

_____ Fully Undressed, Redressed and Regressed,



Your <insert your friend's name or nickname here>

Invisible Superhero of rats' eyes, ears and asses all over the world

P.S.  ___ Who did you say you were again?

___ And I know you from where?

___ What the....?!

___ You know I.... *wink*    

___ Oops, you didn't just do that again, did you?!

___ <(|)>   <3   U    

___ But hasn't it just been 2 hours since I replied last time?!

___ h8 u slightly _ more _ less than cottage cheese =p    

___ What's for dinner tonight, hon?

___ Meet you for lunch again tomorrow, just like today?

___ Hey, next time you do this...can you give me the condensed version?!
 

 

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