To count the number of times in an average week on the show that Tyra finds a way to plug, hawk or otherwise reference her other show Top Model.

Because it's the only station your captors let you watch...and you're nowhere near a remote or anything you could throw at the TV to "kill" it. Plus, you've run out of cigarettes or other tradeables that your captors accepted as bribes to turn off the TV last week.

5 minutes of Tyra, and even your dog suddenly feels smarter than someone!

Someone told you they'd give you $500 if you watched a whole episode, and you were naive enough to believe that person.

You're researching whether or not a plastic Barbie doll would make a more animated and believable host, even though it's clear from the start that she would!

You're testing your stamina and limits of the level of torture your mind and ears can take.

You love celebrities who can't stop talking about themselves.

You're the "sitter." You get paid to watch Tyra. You get paid to change Tyra's diapers. You get paid to change her hairstyle or set lighting.

You love celebrity supermodel talk show hosts who pretend they can relate experiences from their own non-realistic lives to those of every "average Joe" they have on their shows. You especially love a stick-thin supermodel pretending she understands obesity and pretending to show her invisible empathy for those with obesity issues!

You thought for sure that couldn't classify as a real show. You thought someone was "punking" Tyra into thinking she could be a talk show host..

Watching her makes you realize why clones are an even worse idea than you thought they were. She may not be a clone, but she's the next worse thing, and you'd really hate to see them clone that. One Tyra Banks show is bad enough, but think how much worse off we'd be if they cloned her a few hundred times! Eeeek!

Your parents think it works better than detention, time-outs or spankings. You'll never be late for curfew again, after they force you to watch another hour of Tyra.

You're getting your own talk show and you want to know how NOT to run it and how NOT to "be" on it.

Because you're an actor or actress playing a robot in an upcoming movie, so you were told to watch Tyra as a great example of an empty, unsympathetic, emotionless being, with stiff but well-oiled parts.

You ARE Tyra Banks and you can't get enough of yourself! =p You probably even fall asleep to the sound of your own voice each night and send yourself subliminal messages as you sleep.

Because there's something so pathetic about a supermodel hosting a talk show...airing an episode where she has a team of drag queens perform "sister makeovers." Yes, you were scraping the bottom of the barrel for laughs, and you found it above Tyra's head.

Because you're on Tyra's payroll and watching the show is listed as one of the duties in your job description.

Because it's not so bad. Really. At least, not if you hit the mute button...and are alone in a room with a specimen cup. *gasp*

That's Tyra Banks? My bad. I thought I was watching the history channel and this was some show on T-Rex dinosaurs. T Banks. T-Rex. They sound and look so much alike, you see how I got confused, right?!

The alien supermodel colony you're from sends you secret messages thru Tyra's shows. You have to watch in case they're finally coming for you!

Because your clock was an hour ahead and you thought hers was just the previous show running late (due to an unscheduled presidential address).

To show that money, make-up and a hot bod can't buy you everything...even if it buys you your own talk show.

What?! This is a talk show?! With all the references to Top model and "when I was a model..." this or that, I thought this WAS Top Model! Gah!

Because you wanted to dumb yourself down...a lot!

Because you're doing research for an upcoming betting pool you'll be in on: the bets involve how many times Tyra has that dumbfounded look on her face in one episode or how many times she says "like" in a half-hour or how many different ways she tries to pull in references and self-promotional plugs forTop Model or how many times she tries to pretend she can relate a guest's life to her own experiences as a model (and yet those experiences do not remotely relate to the traumas the guest may have experienced as a real person).

And finally...to gather evidence --- once and for all --- proving that just because you used to be a "supermodel" doesn't mean you're "super" at everything!

Sorry, Tyra, but if you really think you're going to be the next Oprah, you're seriously deluded.

Your talk show catwalk is a litterbox. Wake up and smell the crap you're standing in.

Note to Tyra: Oprah didn't try to be a supermodel. Don't YOU try to be Oprah. It isn't happening. Now, here's a quarter. Go buy a gumball or something and let the grown-ups and real people do the talking. Supermodels should not attempt to speak in public. Leave that to the trained professionals, and stick to the runways before you end up spraining your tongue or someone's ears. (D'oh! Too late on the ears already, isn't it?)

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