300

4.5 Licks

2006

Rated R

Gerard Butler, Lena Headey, David Wenham, Vincent Regan, Dominic West, Rodrigo Santoro.

Historical inaccuracies are the only element holding this movie from a 5-lick rating , and yet those inaccuracies don’t stop you from enjoying all else that 300 has to offer in action, story and filming! This movie has everything you want to see in an action film with plenty of extra flair. The filming, color usage, visual effects, timing and motion slow-downs are superb in 300!

The battle scenes are noble, exciting and, of course…intensely bloody! Honor, glory, courage and unwavering determination make this a real uplifting movie, even amongst all the bloodshed.

If ever a true hero lived, it is the Spartan. One can’t help but envy their strength and determination, no matter the odds. These are what heroes and legends are made of…not the famed sports figures and actors/celebrities that so many view as role-models, champions and “heroes” of today.

After seeing 300, throw in the tiniest bit of personal motivation and you’ll feel you can do nearly anything, even if it means you may die trying! The important thing to remember is...at least you'll have had the courage (and sometimes insanity)  to try, and that's what you'll be remembered for...if you're anything at all like a Spartan, that is!

10,000 B.C.

3 Licks

2008

Rated PG-13

Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Joel Virgel, Mona Hammond, Affif Ben Badra.

10,000 B.C. is a classic hero tale, wherein the hero isn’t so brave and determined in the beginning. A hero becomes what he or she does because of what is thrust upon him/her, and he or she does what is felt “must” be done even if it seems an impossible task doomed to failure.

A hero faces the odds and trudges onward. And like the best of any hero’s tale…the key motivating factor is that “whipped” feeling known as love. (Not to downplay the heroism or other factors playing into it, but let’s face it…love fuels an unmatched passion and determination.)

Of course, it doesn’t hurt to have that hint of romance for the testosterone-depraved portion of the audience (also known as females). If that still isn’t enough of a draw, ladies…think strong, prehistoric men with rippling arms, six-pack abs and attire that gives you flashes of a few chests you might want to acquaint your dreams with.

The action, adventure and suspense in 10,000 B.C. will keep you interested throughout the story, as you discover how an ordinary individual in ancient times becomes the hero he was meant to be. Maybe it will even give you hope that someday, you’ll be one of the heroes of your era!

On the downside: teeth-whitening. I highly doubt that prehistoric beings had a process for teeth-whitening or that their teeth stayed so white naturally; thus I couldn’t help but think how wrong it seemed on some actors that their character’s teeth were sooooo white! But for the coolness of the mammoths and saber-tooth tiger in the film, it’s okay to let the teeth-whitening and filled cavities issue slide…this time. ;)

Beowulf

4 Licks

2007

Rated PG-13

Robin Wright-Penn, Anthony Hopkins, Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, Angelina Jolie.

A warrior known as Beowulf is lured to a castle whose king offers a reward for the man who kills the demon who’s been terrorizing his people. Upon that death, however, more blood is shed as the creature’s mother wreaks her vengeance. Making a secret devil’s bargain with her, Beowulf soon becomes king and all is well – for awhile anyway! But as with all devil’s bargains, the price will be paid in time…

As you get caught up in the story of Beowulf, you can’t help but notice how much some of these animated characters resemble their real-life acting counterparts. The animation in this action film is so great you nearly forget it’s actually just animation…not to say that animation is easy, of course.

The dragon itself and the scenes involving it are also pretty cool. Sometimes, it’s amazing what the entertainment industry can do with their tricks, treats, programs, ability and skill. An idea or concept is one thing, but a solid, impressive transformation of that onto screen and into story is a feat of which to take pride. To think, people get paid for that! Sure, it’s work, but onscreen it looks so much more fun than paperwork shuffling or manure-shoveling at an office forty hours per week!

Dukes of Hazzard, The

-1 Lick

2005

Rated PG-13

Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds.

Pathetically poor attempt at a re-tread of the old Dukes of Hazzard TV series. If you were a fan of the show, you’ll find the movie an insult instead of a tribute or compliment.

These are not the Dukes that you remember. Sure, you may recognize the character names, the places and the hotrod car, but this is not the Hazzard County you recall.

First clue that this movie is all wrong, should’ve been that they cast Jessica Simpson in the role of Daisy Duke. (A ferret would’ve made a more convincing actress…in any role!) Second clue…that they kept Jessica Simpson in the role even after she allegedly refused to go brunette or don a brunette wig for the role.

Daisy Duke was hot, sexy…and yes, *gasp* she was a brunette! The fans deserved to see an authentic Daisy, not a blonde who probably can’t even spell her character’s name phonetically. Stick to singing, Jessica. Leave the acting to the real actors and actresses…the ones who actually believe in playing, acting and looking the parts they play.

Firm, The

3.5 Licks

1993

Rated R

Tom Cruise, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gene Hackman, Hal Holbrook, Wilford Brimley, Ed Harris, Holly Hunter, Gary Busey, Paul Sorvino.

The Firm is an adrenaline-pumping thriller that will have you at the edge of your seat most of the movie. Though I did not read the John Grisham book this is adapted from – and it’s rare that a movie really does justice to the book it’s based on – I have a feeling this is one of those rare few. If not, and the book is that much better…then, it’s definitely a read we shouldn’t miss!

For those of you who already hate lawyers, well, this movie will only solidify your feelings on the majority of them. However, for every hundred or two bad lawyers, there is one young, fresh-from-law-school, eager guppy wanting to make a difference, not yet jaded or corrupted…at least not to the extent of the experienced lawyers and partners of many a law firm.

Tom Cruise plays that young, naïve guppy in The Firm, and he actually does quite well in the role, despite his usual image for just being a “pretty boy” actor at the time.

You will likely enjoy this movie, unless you’re a lawyer. And if you do enjoy it, I would advise against mentioning this when consulting a lawyer *wink*…unless, of course, you want to lose the case he or she is working on for you.

Ghost Rider

1.75 Licks

2007

Rated PG-13

Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Sam Elliott, Peter Fonda.

A daredevil motorcyclist known as Johnny Blaze (Cage) sells his soul to the devil (Fonda) to save a loved one, yet a devil never keeps his bargains though he always exacts his price. Years later, Johnny’s exacting the revenge of the devil as he collects souls for him. But when Johnny meets up with an old flame (Mendes), he dreams that he can reclaim his soul and beat the devil at his own game!

The special effects were good and though he’s neither the title character nor the devil, it’s Sam Elliott who shines in this film. Of course, it’s hard not to like Elliott as an actor…he’s one of a kind in look, sound and presence!

Other than that, there isn’t much to say about Ghost Rider, save for the fact that something about Nicolas Cage’s acting always bugs me and Eva Mendes…well, ditto for her. Both roles could’ve been better cast.

Goodfellas

3.5 Licks

1990

Rated R

Robert DeNiro, Ray Liotta, Lorraine Bracco, Paul Sorvino, Joe Pesci, Debi Mazar, Tony Sirico.

Goodfellas is a great movie with excellent casting!

With all the elements in a mob story, you really can’t give a mob tale less than at least 3 Licks. Then again, to avoid the possibility of a hitman coming after you, it should probably get 5 Licks. I’m going to live dangerously and gamble that a 3.5 Lick rating will be enough to at least keep me from getting more than a black eye or a few bruised ribs. After all, that’s still a great rating for any movie.

Goodfellas has all you expect to see in a mob tale: deception, lies, getting into and out of trouble, getting busted by the cops, getting off on technicalities, corruption, murder......

Mob families are never dull subject matter. Every once in awhile, we probably all wish we were that connected.  Problem with a school bully? Boss hassling you? Fuhget ahbot it. Just send in the mob “muscle”. Problem solved.

Hulk     (2003)

0 Licks

2003

Rated PG-13

Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliott, Nick Nolte, Josh Lucas.

After a laboratory accident, a man is exposed to gamma radiation which makes him turn into an oversized green monster whenever he gets angry. (Sounds like any number of people involved in road rage incidents, huh? =p)

Though I have fond memories of the original TV series about the Incredible Hulk, I can’t say the same of this movie.  

• Story? Blah.

• Actor Eric Bana as Dr. Banner? Not even close. No clue how he was cast for the role unless the only other competition came from someone’s shallow, useless pet rocks from the 1980’s. He made the character feel bland, empty, stiff and robotic, and in this instance……stiff is actually a bad thing. =p Maybe one of those rocks would’ve fit the role better after all…hmmm…

• Effects? Okay, but not anything special about them.

Maybe because I’m "old school" enough to remember the original series, I’m predisposed to finding this movie seriously lacking. The animation and the look of the Hulk in the movie just never seemed "right."

I’d take Lou Ferrigno’s performance in the TV show as the original Hulk anytime over the misguided and misfired efforts and computerized effects of the team that worked on this film. They didn’t create "the" Hulk. They created a cheap shell of an imitation that any respectable knock-off store wouldn’t sell because it’s nowhere near what you’d expect of the real version. Sure, the monster they made was big, green and angry like the Hulk, but so are any number of average humans after an extremely bad day at work. =p  

Incredible Hulk, The (2008)

1.5 Licks

2008

Rated PG-13

Edward Norton, Tim Roth, Liv Tyler, William Hurt, Tim Blake Nelson.

Dr. Bruce Banner has been laying low and attempting to hide from the military who wish to use his condition as some sort of weapon, even as he works toward finding a cure for the condition that causes him to turn into a big, green hulk of a monster when his anger gets the better of him.

Edward Norton is a much better choice for the role of Dr. Banner than Eric Bana was (in Hulk), but even Norton couldn’t save this movie from a poor review. Norton is the main reason this movie deserves any rating at all.

The story in The Incredible Hulk is a bit underwhelming, though it is better than the story found in its predecessor Hulk movie…not that it required much to top that. The special effects are also better, but not as good as they could’ve been…thus this movie may have had potential, but sadly only aspired to 1.5 Licks in the end.

Miami Vice

-1 Lick

2006

Rated R

Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, Gong Li.

Movie based on the 1980’s TV series (also titled Miami Vice) about two Miami vice detectives named Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs.

Fans of the TV series will likely find this movie as complete and utter a disappointment as I did…also having been a fan of the original series.

Colin Ferrell is no Crockett, nor is Foxx Tubbs. At no point in the movie did I feel any cop duo chemistry between the two actors, nor was I ever into the plot itself. The movie seemed disjointed from the start. Poor introduction. Poor development. Without any feel of bonding or natural chemistry (or even artificially substituted chemistry =p) between the actors themselves and/or the characters as they portrayed them, this movie was doomed from the start.

Avoid this movie, especially if you’re a fan of the series. This movie in no way honors one’s memory and enjoyment of the original series, but degrades, belittles and demeans it by trying to sell us on this lackluster empty, cold shell of a poor imitation version of a designer original.

Sometimes, the best way to honor an original is to NOT attempt to recreate it…especially if you’re not detail-oriented enough to give those little details the time, attention and focus they need to make the recreation a smooth and believable transition or send-up of the original.

Mummy, The (1999)

4 Licks

1999

Rated PG-13

Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, Kevin J. O'Connor, Oded Fehr, Arnold Vosloo, John Hannah.

Treasure hunting, ancient forbidden love, Egyptian mummies and curses…need I say more?!

The Mummy is a must-see! Great story and awesome special effects, combined with a great mix of action, drama, comedy and even a bit of horror. There may even be a little romance, though in a tale involving mummies, some of you may classify that as horror in itself. Relax, it’s just Fraser and Weisz, neither of which are playing mummies…at least, not yet.

Mummy Returns, The (sequel to The Mummy)

3.75 Licks

2001

Rated PG-13

Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, Oded Fehr, John Hannah, Arnold Vosloo.

See review for The Mummy (1999). All is much the same for this sequel, with only a slightly lower lick rating for story flow.

Okay, so maybe there are a few other differences…it’s years later and Fraser’s and Weisz’s characters are now married, having their somewhat bratty child along for the adventures this time around. Some might call that bad parenting, putting their own child at risk and in such danger, but hey…luckily, it’s just the movies, so they can get away with that!