Alien: Resurrection     (3^rd sequel to Alien)

Rated R

Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, Gary Dourdan, Dan Hedaya, Michael Wincott.

Are you bleeping kidding me?! Clone a person and retain the person’s memories in the clone?! (No, no, no! Don’t torture a poor clone like that! Even a clone deserves to start with a clean slate.) What madness is this?! 

Ripley finally burnt through all her lives, and yet, “the company” can’t let her rest in peace. Apparently, they haven’t figured out yet that experimenting with and breeding aliens is not exactly the brightest or best idea in any universe. But hey, it’s just research and messing with people’s lives…or their deaths…so, why not? 

By this point, Ripley has developed such a bond with the alien that it’s nearly as scary as the alien race itself. Ripley has all the power, but what will she choose to do and how will those with her help or hinder her in her quest? 

This unnatural and disturbing bond Ripley has with the alien race makes you wonder if maybe she’s one of the few to have finally learned to accept the fact that, in a way, we’re all aliens. In other words, maybe this movie is really about your inner alien. Hmmm… 

Not as good as the very first Alien film in the series, but a fitting enough sequel and ending…if this is indeed the last we’ll see of those aliens. That is, aside from those hypothetically residing within each of us.

Alien³     (2^nd sequel to Alien)

2.75 Licks

1992

Rated R

Sigourney Weaver, Charles S. Dutton, Lance Henriksen, Pete Postlethwaite

Sadly, this sequel feels largely like a “b movie” horror retread of the first Alien, only with slightly less hair and a lot less bad hair days. However, as Alien was a great horror film, even this retread rates higher than you’d expect of a retread.

Ripley, who’s already burned through at least 2 lives (were she a cat), is still alive and still being plagued by aliens! She and others sharing her escape pod crash land on a planet of prisoners…as if the aliens aren’t scary enough on their own!

As prisoners are being killed off in a similar manner to other people in previous Alien films…Ripley knows there’s trouble, realizing an alien must have been aboard her escape pod. But is it just one “grunt” alien, a handful of them…or could it be her worst nightmare yet – an alien queen?! Then again, is the alien race really her only problem?

By this point, you have to wonder if Ripley is just one of those people who runs toward trouble instead of from it. She could probably use a good psychiatrist, a few bubble baths and an extreme makeover of her habits and tendencies.

Aliens     (1^st sequel to Alien)

1.75 Licks

1986

Rated R

Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton, Paul Reiser, Lance Henriksen.

 Ripley (Weaver), sole human survivor of the Alien crew is discovered and picked up in space years later. No one seems to believe or listen to Ripley’s tale of the Alien…at least not initially. She discovers – to her own horror – that the same planet with the alien being that killed her crew is now colonized by humans.

Losing contact with inhabitants of the planet, a kick-ass space marine crew is sent in, as “the company” responsible for colonizing the planet attempts to hide its earlier illegal experiments or activities. Will there be a rescue or is this bound to be nothing but seek and destroy? Suspicious of “the company,” Ripley joins the unit as an advisor, looking for vengeance as she returns to the nightmare she narrowly escaped the first time.

In this first sequel to Alien, we see that humankind – even armed with machine and technology – can still get their asses kicked! Not a great sequel, but still better than being stalked by your boss...who you think, at times, might be an alien.

Bloodlust: Subspecies 3

2.75 Licks

1993

Rated R

Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Kevin Blair Spirtas, Pamela Gordon.

Bloodlust doesn’t do justice to the great set up offered it by Bloodstone. This movie is a follow-up that will leave you slightly disappointed. However, overall, the Subspecies series is still the best (or nearly the best) of the vampire genre.

No matter how evil and horrid-looking Radu is, you can’t get enough of him. Anders Hove is so Radu now that you almost wonder if he really is a vampire. Is it good acting or is it…a way to get paid for “bleeding someone dry,” without being employed as a politician or tax collector?!

Bloodstone: Subspecies 2

3 Licks

1992

Rated R

Anders Hove, Denice Duff, Michael Denish, Kevin Blair Spirtas, Pamela Gordon.

Still distressed in her vampirism, Michelle (now played by Denice Duff) tries to escape her vampire master’s evil lair. However, she takes with her something even more valued than the family jewels. She takes their bloodstone, which provides sustenance for a vampire…without the need for killing. But, of course, Radu isn’t about to let her take what’s rightfully his…even as much as he enjoys killing for blood!

The Subspecies series of films are stand-outs in the genre of vampire horror films. The characters have greater depth than many of the genre, and Radu is simply the best evil vampire I would want to admit knowing…so long as I never ran into him alone in a dark alley late at night.

Bloodstone has a nice cliff-hanger ending that leaves you wanting more as it sets things up well for Bloodlust, the third movie of the series.

Bloodstorm: Subspecies 4

2.75 Licks

1998

Rated R

Anders Hove, Denice Duff.

Michelle (Duff) is still having a rough time coping with and adapting to her vampirism. Escaping her master, she learns someone may be able to cure vampirism. However, master Radu has other plans for her and the rest of his clan.

Anders Hove is great in this 4^th installment of the Radu character! Radu is evil and a bit hideous in the looks department…not to mention, those long, spindly fingers and fingernails make nail technicians everywhere salivate over how much money Radu would have to spend were they to work on those nails for him!

Carrie

4 Licks

1976

Rated R

Sissy Spacek, Piper Laurie, Amy Irving, John Travolta, Nancy Allen, Edie McClurg, Betty Buckley.

Great adaptation of a Stephen King novel. Solid performances, great story and that godawful, thankfully-now-outdated hair and fashion of the times.

Teenage girls are scary. I’ve known that since I was a teenage girl, and I still believe that to this day! If you need proof, just watch Carrie! You’ll see.

Sissy Spacek was outstanding as Carrie! I would not want to be the one to piss her off in real life. You just never know. Maybe she really is Carrie!

And if you’ve ever heard people say, “They’re all gonna laugh at you!”…well, now you know where that line came from.  Incidentally, those people we’re right. We’re all laughing at you. Still.

Covenant, The 

2.5 Licks

2006

Rated PG-13

Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch, Laura Ramsey, Toby Hemingway.

The Covenant is a fun story involving magic in the present day – a concept which movies don’t touch on all that often, thus your interest is sparked immediately, even though the acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Ages ago, to protect their magical powers from discovery and witch-hunts, five families in Ipswich made a pact swearing them and their powers to secrecy. One family broke the code and was banned by the others. Through the years, the powers and abilities were passed on to each new generation, the pact remaining strong…until one of the four guys known as the “Sons of Ipswich” is about to turn 18, an age at which one “ascends” to a higher power.

Evil approaches in the form of the son of the 5^th family who wishes to claim that power for his own, making him even a greater threat to all. Are the four strong enough in magical powers to defeat the 5^th or is their covenant, along with their powers, doomed to failure?

Exorcism of Emily Rose, The

3 Licks

2005

Rated PG-13

Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson, Jennifer Carpenter, Campbell Scott, Colm Feore.

Based on a true story, this movie really leaves you thinking, wondering and maybe even trembling a little in fear. I thought I might have nightmares about this movie, but didn’t. That thought alone makes this a good horror film.

Demonic possessions and exorcisms may be more scary and real than you think. In other words, don’t date a demon or someone really possessive. Despite what occultists may believe, exorcism is not a good way to spend a night, a weekend or the rest of your life.

Flatliners

3.5 Licks

1990

Rated R

Julia Roberts, Kevin Bacon, Keifer Sutherland, William Baldwin, Oliver Platt.

Wild story…remarkable cast…well acted and produced!

Doctors play with life and death every day, but these medical students….well, they really push the limits! They could’ve easily sued each other for malpractice, but fortunately none of them had it anyway.

Fascinated with near-death experiences and a curiosity of what the afterlife may be like, these med students create their own flatlining experiments. The thought of death is scary enough…but imagine having unproven docs by your side, performing these experiments…never knowing for sure whether or not they will be able to revive you from flatlining.

I think I’ll stick to trying to flatline cabinet shelves with contact paper, and leave the trickier flatlining to the real docs…or the ones who play them on TV or in movies.

Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

3 Licks

1988

Rated R

Ashley Laurence, Clare Higgins, Kenneth Cranham, Oliver Smith, Sean Chapman.

Hellbound shows that research, puzzle boxes and insanity are a scary combination. Though Hellbound is less scary than its predecessor, it is gorier. Gore is a beautiful thing, at least in the careening coaster genre of movies!

Pinhead makes me wonder if there are porcupines in his family tree somewhere, but I still like him. In fact, he’s really starting to intrigue me.

Hellraiser

3 Licks

1987

Rated R

Andrew Robinson, Ashley Laurence, Clare Higgins, Sean Chapman, Oliver Smith.

A puzzle box that opens the door to hell? Maybe there’s a reason some puzzles are harder to solve than others. You better think twice before you solve your next puzzle, riddle, or cube.

This movie just plain scared me the first time I saw it, which means it succeeded in its main goal...since it is, after all, a horror movie.

I like the Pinhead character, even though he scares me.

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

3 Licks

1992

Rated R

Terry Farrell, Doug Bradley, Paula Marshall, Ken Carpenter, Ashley Laurence.

Believe it or not, Hell on Earth is less scary than Hellbound or than being bound for hell. However, once again, there is even more gore in this one than its predecessors, so it’s another horror well worth watching.

I’m thinking about acupuncture almost daily now, as I begin to feel a real bond with Pinhead. I find myself somehow oddly attracted to Pinhead.

Hellraiser 4: Bloodline     (4^th in the Hellraiser series)

3 Licks

1995

Rated R

Bruce Ramsay, Doug Bradley, Valentina Vargas.

The fourth Hellraiser is less scary than three, but again…more gory! Four cheers for blood, guts and gore! (Check your own bloodline though, because yours, too…might actually be more gory than Hell on Earth! *gasp*)

I feel like I know Pinhead intimately. He really fascinates me. I want to be Pinhead…and not just for Halloween. Is that wrong?

Scream

1 Lick

1996

Rated R

David Arquette, Courteney Cox, Neve Campbell, Rose McGowan, Matthew Lillard, Jamie Kennedy.

Sadly, for a horror film, this one creates more laughs than horror, fright or blood-curdle-inducing nightmares. The most horrific thing about Scream is how absolutely hokey and contrived the movie, story and characters really are.

The only performance that makes Scream even worth a 1-Lick rating  is Courteney Cox who does a great job of playing the nosey reporter bitch you love to hate!

Subspecies

2.5 Licks

1990

Rated R

Laura Tate, Michael Watson, Anders Hove, Michelle McBride.

Good horror movie for those into vampires. This could’ve been better but was still enjoyable overall.

The acting was marginal in this first movie of the series, however, that improves the more the actors settle in to their roles in the sequels.

Enjoyed the portrayal of a fledgling vampire – not yet used to sleeping in a coffin – taking an extremely deep breath every time she awoke. It wasn’t the heaving of her bosom that drew my attention either; although that’s another reason the guys seem to enjoy those scenes!

Venom

1 Lick

2005

Rated R

Jonathan Jackson, Ages Bruckner, Laura Ramsey, Rick Cramer, Meagan Good.

Unimaginative teen slasher film with a back-from-the-dead man possessed by voodoo-related evil spirits. And naturally, the out-for-blood man has no better target for his vengeance than….what else? A group of teens, of course!

Then again, can you blame him?! This movie gets a 1-lick rating in salute to the possessed man’s choice of targets (and ONLY for that reason), even as “tired” a target that teens are in these types of films.

All in all, Venom is a rather bland and predictable slasher film that seems like a story you’ve heard countless times before…when the chicks were hotter, the guys were cooler and the t-shirts were wetter.