Adam & Eve     (aka National Lampoon’s Adam & Eve)

-1 Lick

2005

Rated R

Cameron Douglas, Emmanuelle Chriqui, George Dzundza, Terri Garber.

With the National Lampoon tag on this movie, one would expect a great deal of sophomoric, but entertaining and enjoyable humor. The joke is on the consumer, however, as it clearly must be a joke that the Adam & Eve movie has any correlation at all to the National Lampoon empire of films.

Also, if like me, you are initially hesitant about a romantic comedy under the National Lampoon tag, heed your hesitation. If you’re looking for romance, comedy and a great mixture of the two, do not go here!

Breaking your own leg in candlelight and using that leg (wooden or not) to make a warm fire on date night would be funnier and more romantic. Sick, but true. Ripping out your own eyeballs, dipping them in salsa and sharing them with your date while sipping on a fine wine would also be funnier and more romantic, as it truly shows how blind love could be.  Even sicker, but truer. =p

Adam and Eve is a supposed love story wherein Eve is a virgin, and naturally, it’s driving Adam nuts to have to wait until Eve is “ready.” Blah blah blah. Our own real life tales of wondering, waiting, longing and cherries popped, to-be-popped or those 10-times-born-again-popped-cherries are easily more entertaining and romantic than this movie ever could have hoped to be...given the material, the script, the acting, the lack of chemistry, etc., etc.

If you’re looking for comedy with a hint of romance or vice versa, light some candles, drink some wine, have some oysters, strip naked and you may find it all…in your own mirror, with or without a date!

Blast from the Past

3 Licks

1999

Rated PG-13

Brendan Fraser, Alicia Silverstone, Dave Foley, Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek.

Adam (Fraser) grew up in a bomb shelter, when his parents retreated there after a bomb scare. Finally, after 35 years of togetherness, his parents feel it’s time to send Adam out into the world to find a wife (who they hope is not horribly malformed) and fresh supplies for the bomb shelter, if there are any to be had.

Fraser is great as the sweet, innocent, naïve Adam. He convinces you that he really is that naïve and has never before interacted in society whatsoever, nor has any idea of current etiquette, customs and behaviors. He’s well mannered and polite, even if there is something a bit odd and “blast from the past-ish” about him….thus, when he’s hopelessly lost in the above-ground world, Eve (Silverstone) comes to his aid and agrees to help him even though she thinks he’s a little loopy.

Eve is a bitter, weary and realistic young woman of the times, who can’t believe Adam is as clueless and naïve as he really is. He baffles and frustrates her, much like any man does a woman…or woman does a man. However, Eve just can’t seem to resist helping him as she sees how easily others could con him, realizing (the more she learns of him) he really is that naïve and “sheltered.”

Naturally, the two eventually fall in love, and it’s fun to see this relationship develop as Adam slowly learns more and more about the realities of the world since his parents left it behind to shelter themselves from what they’d thought was a nuclear bomb. Having missed 35 years of changing atmospheres, politics and society above-ground, Adam has much to learn and experience before returning to his parents with his newfound knowledge and ideas.

Fraser and Silverstone are great in their roles, as are Spacek and Walken as Adam’s parents! Walken’s role in this quirky film showed a new range for him, as it was an a-typical role for him at the time, but one that has certainly worked well for him!

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason     (sequel to Bridget Jones’s Diary)

0.75 Licks

2004

Rated R

Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Jim Broadbent, Gemma Jones.

Completely unnecessary sequel that is, for all intents and purposes, a rehash of its predecessor. Same actors, same characters, same plot.

Bridget is torn between two men…the bad boy (played by Grant) and the mama’s boy (played by Firth) who will --- year after year --- diligently wear that horribly schmaltzy Christmas sweater his mother bought him. And just as before, the bad boy is still bad, and the mama’s boy is still a knight in schmaltzy armor.

If you want to see this story…just watch the first movie again instead. You won’t be missing anything, other than a foreign prison scene involving bras and a “Like a Virgin” sing-a-long.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

2.5 Licks

2001

Rated R

Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Jim Broadbent Gemma Jones.

Fun, enjoyable romantic comedy, even if it is rather predictable.

Zellweger is easily relatable and even somewhat cute in the role of Bridget Jones, an average, somewhat socially inept single British woman struggling in many areas of her everyday life. Add in two diverse romantic interests (the bad boy Grant and the good guy Firth), lots of laughs and…you have the ingredients for a romantic comedy also known as your typical "chick flick."

If you’re a woman, you’ve probably had your own "Bridget Jones moments" in reality, so relax…you might actually be normal after all!

Fever Pitch

0.75 Licks

2005

Rated PG-13

Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon, Jack Kehler.

Sorry, Jimmy Fallon, but Kevin Costner already cornered the romantic-comedy-baseball movie genre.

I’m not sure what some were watching when they called this a sweet and cute romantic comedy. Compared to the plethora of romantic comedies out there, this one seems a cheap, recycled imitation of the real cinematized thing.

Unless your sock drawer consists of nothing but red or pink tinted socks or you have a sick fascination for the Boston Red Sox, you’ll be less than charmed by Fever Pitch. Like me, maybe you’ll wish you had been delirious with fever or hit in the head by a pitch instead.

Five Senses, The 

0.25 Licks

1999

Rated R

Mary-Louise Parker, Philippe Volter, Gabrielle Rose, Nadia Litz.

Why watch a movie about the senses, when you have your own and use them each day? Touch. Sight. Taste. Smell. Sound.  If you really want to get to know them better, take your senses on a date...with yourself.

You would be less likely to fall asleep if you did that instead of watched someone else’s artistic portrayals of the value and symbolism of each of the senses. Plus, if you take your own senses out, maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe you'll even score (with yourself).

Don’t let this movie fool you. It is not about people…flawed or “human” as we all are…searching for love and/or acceptance by those they love. The Five Senses is a slow movie that’s both dull and depressing. The ending will likely make other hopeless romantics like me feel this movie completely wasted your time and cheated your heart of its own sensory expectations.

Of course, if you watch this movie knowing it’s a dramatic art piece and that the characters are as flawed or “human” as anyone in reality, you might enjoy this movie more than I did. And if not, just give in. Relax and let this movie cure any temporary insomnia you may have. Your senses will appreciate the vacation.

Griffin & Phoenix (2006)

2.75 Licks

2006

Rated PG-13

Dermot Mulroney, Amanda Peet, Sarah Paulson, Blair Brown.

This movie is a remake of one with much the same title (Griffin and Phoenix: A Love Story) from 1976. Having not seen the original, no comparisons will be made to it.

Grab the tissues. You will need them! Griffin & Phoenix is a sad, tragic love story that you know will be sad and tragic from the start, and yet…if you’re into sappy love stories or are in a sad, mellow mood you want to wallow in…you want to watch it anyway.

Both Griffin (Mulroney) and Phoenix (Peet) have been diagnosed with cancer, and yet upon meeting, neither of them knows the other’s situation or sad fate. They form a relationship somewhat hesitantly; each knowing it will likely be their last…each knowing there’s a time limit to what could be, can be or will be.

It’s a love story you wish could have a happier ending, though it couldn’t touch you as it does if it did. Life is fleeting. The story recognizes that and sends the message that we should all be more consciously aware of that. Whether you have a more clear idea of your own expiration date or not, don’t take the little things for granted. This could be your last anything. If you knew that for sure, would you act differently, would you “live more” and obsess less?

This is, most definitely, a tissue-box chick flick. Don’t expect a man to watch or select this movie by  his own choice. (He wouldn’t want to let you see him cry. =p) But ladies, if you do get a man to watch this with you, take his temperature! He’s probably got a high fever or a strong desire for some hot action *wink* *wink* later. (It could be his last...or yours...so don't pass that opportunity up!)

Just Friends

2 Licks

2005

Rated PG-13

Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris, Chris Klein.

Ryan Reynolds plays his usual dopey, out-for-a-good-time guy, with one slight alteration. In high school, Chris (Reynolds) was the overlooked but likeable, overweight friend with an unrequited crush on his best friend, played by Amy Smart. Fast forward to years later, when he’s trimmed down, pimped out and wildly successful…and once again runs into that girl who can still make him nervous and tongue-tied.

Throw in a psychotic performer named Samantha James (played by Anna Faris) that has the hots for him, and whom Chris needs to appease for professional reasons, and you’ve got an entertaining film with a feel much like any light-hearted fun movie in which you’ve seen Ryan Reynolds. Faris steals the show in her character’s over-the-top psychosis, easily outperforming both Reynolds and Smart. Just for sheer entertainment value, you might even root for her neuroses to be the demise of Chris’s hopes to be more than Just Friends with his high school dream girl.

One scene in particular that you may enjoy highlights Samantha’s lunacy in ways reminiscent of the holiday craziness seen in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Being that Reynolds plays characters much like Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation), the scene fits in well here and is probably the most memorable part of the movie.

Romance be damned, it’s the comedy that makes this movie enjoyable!

Kate & Leopold 

2 Licks

2001

Rated PG-13

Meg Ryan, Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Breckin Meyer, Bradley Whitford.

A man finds a “portal” or window to the past, and takes it…only to be followed back to modern day times by a curious duke named Leopold from the 1800’s era, played by Hugh Jackman. However, that portal is not always open, and thus, Leopold – horribly behind the times and out of place in both wardrobe and manners – is stuck in modern day times until such a time as he can return.  Being a romantic comedy, of course

, a romance ensues that transcends the bounds of time. Meg Ryan plays Kate, who can’t help but fall in love with a man so different from any she’d ever met.

Rare are the actors and actresses who could pull off a concept as "out there" and unbelievable as this one, but if anyone can, it must be Ryan and Jackman. Ryan is one of the all-time queens of the Whipped / romantic comedy genre, and Jackman…well, he’s a charmer no matter what the era or part he portrays!

Still, it’s hard to get past the seemingly impossible or highly improbable scenario. If you’re one who has a hard time giving in to fantasy, skip this one. However, if you fantasize about Jackman or Ryan, you’ll relate to this movie. After all, it’s as likely to happen as it is that you’ll end up with either of them in real life. Hold onto your dreams! We all need a few!

Must Love Dogs

2 Licks

2005

Rated PG-13

Diane Lane, John Cusack, Elizabeth Perkins, Dermot Mulroney, Christopher Plummer, Stockard Channing.

This is not the best movie for any of its stars. However, if you’re a dog…or rather, if you love dogs and cute love stories, this is a movie for you. And if you drool like a dog with a boner (or a bone) every time you see Diane Lane, again, this movie will work for you.

Lane plays a divorced woman whose family is set on finding her a new love match. Her sister even creates an online dating profile for her, including the line that her potential mate “must love dogs” --- even though Lane doesn’t actually own a dog of her own. Cusack plays one of the romantic interests, and though he is supposedly "the one," it’s hard to see or feel the chemistry between the two.

If you drop your electives – chemistry, biology and "animal husbandry" – you’ll free your mind to enjoy the movie more. Must Love Dogs isn’t a bad way to spend 98 minutes or so of your time. It’s a cute romantic comedy, even if filled with cliché, predictability and a number of two-legged "dogs" disguised as dates.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

3.75 Licks

1997

Rated PG-13

Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, Cameron Diaz, Rupert Everett, Rachel Griffiths.

Michael tells his best friend Julianne that he’s getting married…in four days! And suddenly, Julianne realizes this man she refers to casually as “just” her Michael, is the man she loves. Let Michael marry some sweet, perky princess type?! No way! Not if Julianne can help it.

She could be honest and open. She could own up to her feelings, but why do that when there are so many more connivingly devilish and insightful ways to go about breaking up that best friend’s wedding, thinking Michael will come to his senses, if only she “helps” the process along a bit?! As Julianne puts her devious plans into action, it’s hard to know who to root for – the crazed do-anything-for-love best friend or the "perfect" picture his bride-to-be (Cameron Diaz) represents.

Hilarious movie on the lengths one may resort to all in the name of love. Top that off with a very caring, concerned gay friend (played wonderfully by Rupert Everett), and this is one romantic comedy with enough comedic moments to appeal to the guys who thought this would just be another one of those average  "chick flicks" they only sit through to appease the women in their lives.

Whether you love or hate the ending…whether you rooted for or against best friends or perfection…this movie will provide plenty of laughs and entertainment, even as it makes you wonder about your own best friends and how close an eye you should keep on them!

Notting Hill

4 Licks

1999

Rated PG-13

Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, Rhys Ifans.

A famous movie star (appropriately played by Julia Roberts) meets and falls in love with an "ordinary" man (played by Hugh Grant). For anyone who’s ever wished for romance with a celebrity, you’ll probably realize love is hard enough with an "ordinary" human without adding fame, gossip and paparazzi to the challenges faced in a relationship meant for two people.

Love isn’t binding – unless there are leather, metal handcuffs or satin ties and bedposts involved – but celebrity is…at least until the celebrity makes a few bad choices, career plummets and fame dwindles. Until then, the famed ones are like mice in mazes searching for cheese as a curious array of paparazzi “scientists” catalogue their every move. The world is an ugly place, and even love cannot conquer all, can it?

Roberts and Grant are enjoyable to watch even if they’re almost too familiar in roles such as these, but Rhys Ifans who plays Grant’s harmless but dimwitted roommate/flatmate is a comedic scene-stealer. There is plenty of comedy throughout this movie to keep your attention, even if you’re only watching this movie because your date said so......and you were hoping if you said “yes” to this, she’d say "yes" to you later!

Pride & Prejudice

0.5 Licks

2005

Rated PG

Keira Knightley, Rosamund Pike, Donald Sutherland, Brenda Blethyn, Simon Woods, Matthew Macfadyen.

Both as a historical romance and as an adaptation of a Jane Austen novel, this movie is a great disappointment. Neither the script nor the actors seemed fitting. I’m not even sure the costumes fit!

I found myself bored and uninterested in the characters as well as the story and romance. As for the character of Mr. Darcy as a romantic interest? A cold fish – even an eel – would’ve been easier to warm up to than Mr. Darcy and the bland, unaffecting actor portraying him!

Keira Knightley’s character in the movie may have found him intriguing, but if it had been reality, he would have been groveling at her feet in hopes to even gain her notice at all......as she entertained an array of offers from any handful of more sharp-witted, handsome suitors, stalkers and others just looking for a piece of......her beautiful, voluptuous mind. (Okay, so maybe mind is a metaphor.)

Prime

0.75 Licks

2005

Rated PG-13

Uma Thurman, Meryl Streep, Bryan Greenberg.

Sometimes the movie previews are more entertaining than the movie itself, as is the case with Prime. The story concept played well in the previews, but unfortunately, most of the entertaining moments of this movie were also played out in the previews.

A 37-year-old client named Rafi, played by Uma Thurman, confides all in her Jewish psychoanalyst Lisa Metzger (Streep), even the intimate details of her relations with her new boyfriend. After more details come out, like the real age of her new boyfriend (age 23), Lisa realizes it’s her own son David (Greenberg) that’s seeing her client.

Oh, no! The horror! The embarrassment! The knowledge of things a mother doesn’t want to know! So much potential, and yet…so much disappointment as Prime fails in any way to create real depth, emotion, passion or complexity in its characters. It’s hard to care what happens when you don’t believe in, empathize with or “feel” for any of the characters.

Add to that the fact that there was no chemistry between Thurman and Greenberg, nor did script in any way compensate for that, this was anything but Prime.

If you really want "prime," go find a paint store, get a can of primer and use it on a wall. Staring at a primed wall would be at least as entertaining as this movie…and definitely more “prime.”

Shopgirl

0.5 Licks

2005

Rated R

Steve Martin, Claire Danes, Jason Schwartzman.

The only reason this movie received even half of a lick was for Ray Porter’s (played by Martin) reflective thoughts at the end of the story. His reflection is the type of thought that speaks to a woman’s romantic heart and nature, even if the reflection is merely a thought whispering in the mind without ever being uttered aloud. The worst part of all this was having to sit through the rest of this bland and lackluster movie in order to see and hear that one final scene.

Shopgirl is the story about a lonely woman named Mirabelle (Danes) in a big city and the two men with whom she forms relationships in order to staunch the loneliness she feels. Mirabelle lives in an apartment with her cat. Had I her choices in men, a second cat would’ve been a more viable and likely option than either of the two men in the story.

No matter how lonely she was, I didn’t buy that a woman such as Mirabelle was actually desperate enough to go out with either man for more than one date. (I'd have sooner bought that bridge you may try to sell me that I already know you really don't own.) The relationships were stilted and awkward. Maybe it was supposed to feel that way, but nonetheless…another cat would’ve been the better choice. A cat has more warmth, character, presence and depth than either of the men of Mirabelle’s acquaintance.

Skip Shopgirl and opt for a personal shopping trip instead. The return on your investment will be better, more memorable and last longer! Plus, this ensures that even if you're lonely, at least your money doesn't have to be!

Something to Talk About

1.5 Licks

1995

Rated R

Julia Roberts, Dennis Quaid, Gena Rowlands, Kyra Sedgwick, Robert Duvall.

This movie shows that love isn’t easy. A marriage takes two and needs nurturing, attention and caring for that love to survive. Neither party is completely without guilt when things go wrong, love fades or one strays. No matter who’s more or less at fault or what changes took place in time or relationship, someone’s going to be hurt……and if it’s "a woman scorned," look out!

We may often seem quite docile and agreeable – when you don’t find us nagging, demanding, unrelenting or unwilling – but you’re naïve to think there isn’t more to us women than all of that!

Julia Roberts plays Grace whose husband Eddie, played by Dennis Quaid, has been cheating on her. Living in the small Southern town they do, they become the "something" the entire town whispers and talks about. In a small community where they’re known by everyone, she can’t escape the added hurt and embarrassment of being the subject of everyone’s gossip.

This is a movie on families, relationships and dealing with the severest of disappointments and hurts that those closest to us can put us through, but specifically…in a woman’s shoes, from her perspective.

Guys are NOT going to like this movie, nor the portrayal of men in it. The movie does have its moments, however. Roberts is definitely believable as the scorned, vengeful Grace, but it’s Kyra Sedgwick that’s a true stand-out as Grace’s kick-ass, no-holds-barred sister! Beyond that, despite how much some of us can talk, this movie isn’t really that much to talk about.

Third Wheel, The

0.75 Licks

2002

Rated PG-13

Luke Wilson, Ben Affleck, Denise Richards, Jay Lacopo.

A man (Wilson) drools over a woman (Richards) out of his league, desperately wanting to ask her out but too shy and afraid in the beginning. Eventually, the fateful first date is made, but as you can guess, the evening is far from perfect.

Hitting a homeless man with your car while on a date tends to mess things up a bit. (Try to avoid that situation, even on a second or third date…..and long after those, too! In fact, try to avoid that altogether. It will help keep your insurance rates down.)

As for the movie, the homeless man becomes the evening’s “third wheel.” He’s annoying enough to make you wish they’d have just run over him again. And again. And again.

The characters are bland and the chemistry is lacking. Putting a third wheel on a unicycle would’ve been more useful and entertaining than this movie…especially if you can manage to achieve a third wheel without having a second! =p

Tristan & Isolde

0.5 Licks

2006

Rated PG-13

James Franco, Sophia Myles, Rufus Sewell.

Tristan & Isolde is another updated version or telling of the historical love of two hearts whose times and circumstances forbid their union. Franco plays Tristan, while Myles is Isolde. In amongst the ill-fated love are battles, battle scenes and some plot or other, but all was rather bland and empty feeling, much like my bleeding heart as I watched the uninspiring performances of Franco and Myles.

More passion could be found in a bite-size candy bar than in this film; and more character development and chemistry could be sparked between two stick figures in a child’s drawing for 2^nd  grade art class than in this film.

For an epic tale of romance, Tristan & Isolde fails so completely that it falls even far flatter than the thinnest, most lifeless and limp of hair on the most hot and humid of days. No amount of product, chemical or otherwise, could save the limp locks this movie is.

Despite a sad and very short ending that feels all too abrupt and stilted, the saddest part is realizing the time wasted on watching this cold, empty lackluster adaptation. The least they could’ve done was to have given the ending its due time and focus or not have bothered to film the movie at all. After all, in tragic love stories, the ending should leave you feeling grief-stricken for more than 30 seconds…and not just for the grief of having wasted time watching a movie that’s so bland even a Stepford wife couldn’t fake liking it.

Months later, one still mourns of the disappointment this film is.

Two Weeks Notice

2 Licks

2002

Rated PG-13

Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Robert Klein, Alicia Witt.

Hugh Grant in a role that’s well known to him: the romantic comedy love interest. Grant often plays a leading man that’s a bit of a shallow cad, yet you can’t help but root for him to "wake up" or come to his senses and want to watch him in that next romantic comedy.

In Two Weeks Notice, he’s paired with Sandra Bullock who plays the lawyer he treats more like his own personal slave. She’s a slave to her cell phone and every whim and demand Grant throws at her. Whereas he is the pompous, thoughtless businessman, she is the lawyer still full of hopeful ideals, realizing she must move on to be true to herself. Thus, she gives her "two weeks notice."

As anyone who’s ever watched a romantic comedy knows, many a happy ending has been found in shorter a time than that! Grant and Bullock pair well together, and the comedy in this romance offers plenty of smiles and laughs to carry you through to that "happily ever after." However, the tale runs much like so many heard before, and both Bullock and Grant have been in enough other romantic comedies that make their characters here and the movie itself seem almost too generic and formulaic in comparison.

Unhitched     (aka Best Man Worst Friend)

1.75 Licks

2005

Rated R

Stuart Townsend, Amy Smart, Seth Green.

Mediocre offering to the whipped/romantic comedy genre wherein a likeable loser (played by Townsend) falls for a friend’s fiancée. Another friend (played by Seth Green) plots to help the likeable loser get the girl before the other two are hitched. The friend is willing to go to extremes (of which his friend is unaware) due to a grudge he has against the woman’s fiancé…a man who is --- predictably in a movie such as this --- a complete and utter undeserving cad.

Entertaining but average romantic comedy. Unless you have a serious addiction to likeable losers and their ne’er-do-well-but-ever-well-intentioned friends, unhitch your eyes from this one. And if you’re engaged or can otherwise relate to the situation, watch at your own risk. You might give yourself or someone else ideas! *gasp*