Ask the O…racle!
	Ask the “O” your questions, and she just may answer you. But the real question is…just what will her response be? With the “O,” one never knows…  Got questions?     Please note: If you ask the O...racle a question, your question may be posted to this website.

On interviews, I am often asked questions like "Where do you see yourself in five years?" or "What is your five year plan?" but I never know how to answer them. How would you answer them?

In an interview, I  would answer with a smile and devious look in my eyes, saying, "First, tell me where you will be......because wherever that is, I'll be 5 paces behind you, lurking in the shadows!" And then I would add, "Don't look so worried. It was late. You didn't realize you had dropped you wallet. I picked it up and will only be trying to return it to you, contents intact."

Seriously, though, the best answer to that question in a job interview situation in my opinion is a vague answer. "Fulfilled. Happy. Successful. Armed with 5 years more knowledge and skill, I will be seeking even more challenges and opportunities in which to benefit the company as well as to broaden my own personal experiences and achieve greater personal growth." (It may be helpful to add the "team environment" catchphrase in there somewhere if the job you are interviewing for involves working closely with others.)

If the question is asked on a personal basis, my answer would be: How about I tell you where I won't be?! I won't be standing here reflecting on where I was exactly 5 years ago when I was asked this lame, unimaginative cliché by someone who often has enough difficulty running his/her own life, let alone even choosing his/her own clothes, yet loves to psychoanalyze mine over coffee, tea and commercial breaks.

Want some cheesecake now? I might be on a restricted diet in five years, so I signed up for the cheesecake of the month club now...before it's too late and I have to donate those cheesecakes to the food shelter because I'm not allowed to eat them anymore! Cheesecakes aren't non-perishables you know! I'm not sure the food shelter would welcome them, but in five years, they might welcome you...as a client. (Oops...did I say that aloud? My bad.)

Who will win the Super Bowl?

The Green Bay Packers! However, it may not be this year.

Since you did not specify a year, I will only tell you that they - the Packers - will win. Now, just figure out which year that is and you could win big in a football pool!

How many online gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

This question in its current state is too broad to answer for certain. After all, you didn't mention what games these online gamers are playing. Puzzle games? Solitaire? Multi-player card games? MMORPG's? Hangman or other word games? Online first-person shoot 'em up games? Not all online gamers are created equal, nor are all players of just one of those types of games.

In this instance, I'll assume you are discussing the online gamers of the MMORPG realm. With those gamers, there are many other factors to take into account as well. See below:

• Have the gamers eaten anything besides chips, pizza and chocolate within the last 3-4 hours?

• Have the gamers had anything to drink besides caffeine (soda/coffee)? (In other words, are the gamers properly hydrated?)

• Is the light bulb needing to be changed in the same room as the online gamers' computers? And if so, what is the time of day and/or is the room currently light, dark or moderately light without that light bulb?

• ......(Click here for further detail / full answer.)

Why are there different time zones around the world?

It has something to do with pigeons, idioms, Gideons or meridians. Then, there's something about long underwear being worn by a mean green-colored witch...or something like that. Or maybe it was something about Greenwich meantime and longitudes wherein the globe is divided into 24 sections and clock settings vary based on which division you're in, with each division's time being an hour earlier or later than the divisions right next to it on either side.

Basically, though, the different time zones really only exist to make it harder for us to communicate with people in other time zones, or to make it harder for us to calculate the time difference of someone 3 zones east of us and another person 5 zones west. And if you're trying to coordinate the schedules of people in multiple time zones, so you can schedule and plan a teleconference or meeting via satellite? Well, good luck!

There is a bright side to this whole time zone thing...the varied zones seem to make it much easier for Santa to make all his stops at Christmas time. Now, if only the post office, parcel delivery services and airline flights could be so punctual! I guess they haven't quite figured out Santa's secret yet.

Are you off your meds? Are you medicated? Should you be on your meds?

Those questions are more complex than you realize. Are you sure you aren't more interested in the answer to something easy like "How can we forge world peace?"

• Am I off my meds? Two days ago? No. Right now? Yes. (See below for further detail.)

• Am I medicated? Sometimes. Now? No. (See below for further detail.)

• Should I be on my meds? No. I just had acupuncture. The pain is gone! (See below for further detail.)

You see, two days ago, I had a headache...so I grabbed my "meds." What were they? Ibuprofen. (I know, disappointing, huh? =p) In less than 10 minutes, my headache was gone. Ibuprofen 4tw!

Last month, I caught a cold. Once again, I was medicated. It was a combination "med" with nasal decongestant, cough suppressant and expectorant. (If anyone tries to tell you cherry-flavored cough syrup is delicious, don't be fooled. You'll want a hot chocolate readily available for use as a "chaser." Trust me on this.)

I cut my finger recently, too. I didn't need anything for the pain that time, but I guess you could still say I was medicated. After all, I cleansed the wound and then applied a medicated bandage to the cut. You should try medicated bandages. They really work!

Being female, I confess that every month or so, I experience bloating, cramping and other signs of PMS. I self-medicate for that, too. Once again, ibuprofen saves the day!

Every so often, I am also prone to raging outbursts of...acne. Thank God for those medicated pads the drug stores sell!

I believe I've also taken some antibiotics before, but if you're asking have I been on anything stronger or more serious, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you...and myself! After all, if I truly were "medicated," those would be some damn good drugs they'd be feeding me. And I'd be eating them like candy because they are probably just that goooood!

So, in case you were wondering if you could score any cool "meds" (aka drugs *gasp*) from me, well, sorry. However, if you'd like, I could buy some children's chewable vitamins and we could pretend!

Earnote: If you intended the meds-related questions as an insult to me personally, well, you'll have to do way better than that. The "you're off your meds" or "get back on your meds" lines are so old and 'has been," that you should be embarrassed you're not quick-witted or intelligent enough to come up with something more original than that. Maybe your meds aren't working?! You should probably have someone look into that for you. I'd hate to see you floundering for long when there's such a simple fix.

I'm thinking about running for a political office. Is there anything I should be aware of before I run my campaign?

Yes. Deny, deny, deny! Even a certain disciple did it in biblical times, so obviously, it's okay for prospective politicians to do the same now.

If the denial routine doesn't work out for you, though, just remember you did not inhale. No cigarette smoke. No joint. No noxious farts. No aerosol room freshener spray. No one's body odor, no matter how pungent the odor nor how small the elevator. You didn't even inhale oxygen. In fact, it might appear as if you're breathing right now, but you're still not inhaling!

It is important to note that if you are running for the presidency, you must try to choose a running mate who can at least spell the word "potato," and who won't shoot his/her hunting buddies, not even with a paintball gun or water pistol. You want to live to see the election and not be laughed off the ballot, after all, don't you?!

Also, before you initialize your campaign, be sure to consult your dry cleaner discreetly to identify the best methods used to remove every type of bodily fluid stain possible from every type of fabric or article of clothing. You never know when that information may come in handy. (As an important public figure, it is important to be prepared for congressional acts....as in the possibility of "sexual congress" and politicking with summer interns and eager staffers.)

Finally, if NOT running for the presidency, remember it is imperative to make a good impression on the President and make an ally of him/her. Remember, as a politician, there's a good chance you may need a presidential pardon for something sooner or later.

Do pigeons make good pets?

Generally? No.

However, if you are an artist specializing in the "splotching" technique of paint on canvas, a pigeon may be just the pet for you! In fact, a pigeon could even help you perfect that technique! I'd suggest wearing a baseball cap though, as a pet pigeon is likely to turn your head into its own personal "canvas." *gasp*

Also, it should be noted that if you have an odd attraction to bird poo, a pigeon would also be a much better choice than your standard dog, cat, goldfish or pet rock. Just remember, if a white blob appears on your attire or person, do not...I repeat, do NOT...lick it. Pigeon droppings are NOT the same thing as a tasty, sugar-enriched white frosting.

Why are cats more perfect than humans?

The number one reason cats are "more perfect" is a complete lack of pretense in cats.

They don't care.

They don't worry.

They don't primp and preen endlessly in front of a mirror or anywhere else, hoping for that flawless look. They don't aspire to that perfect smile with teeth so white they glow in the dark, nor those manicured nails with a more ornate paint job than the Mona Lisa or Sistine Chapel. They don't feel the need to have a "perfect" hair day, nor the need to workout 5 days a week for 2 hours a day in order to obtain "six-pack" abs, bodybuilder muscle definition or swimwear-model-worthy contouring.

They don't even care whether or not you think they're too furry or not furry enough (in the case of hairless cats). Shave? Trim? Brazilian wax?......(Click here for further detail.)
 

"O...racle," are you for real?!  

Yes! Whether real life or the virtual realm, I am always, first and foremost, a person. And as such, I have feelings, thoughts, cares, questions, concerns, off-the-wall wonderings and a healthy sense of humor that allows me just enough sanity to be sane……and yet just enough insanity that the “normal” people think I might be a little too over the edge, too crazy or just too “out there.” But in here, “out there” reigns supreme. It’s the “out there” in combination with the strength to stand up for yourself that often leads to survival. And knowing how to laugh at --- and with…but mainly at --- yourself, as well as at and with others, doesn’t hurt either. I’m real. Are you?! =p

Help! My ear is burning! What should I do? Does that mean someone’s thinking about me or talking about me? And if so, what are they saying or thinking? Should I be more worried about them or me? 

Wow, that’s a lot of questions all at once. For starters, if you haven’t yet, you really should extinguish your ear…if it’s really on fire, that is. *wink* Then, seek medical assistance, immediately. Your ear is not a play toy. I’d advise your ear to stay away from matches, flames, flammables, people who have been known to bite ears off and authority figures who don’t know the damage they cause when verbally abusing your ear with *gasp* reprimands and expectations. As for the rest of your parts…I’m no expert, but your ear may know best how to handle any given situation. And if the situation is really tough, consult with your other ear, your eyes and mind as well. 

Now, if you’re speaking in the literal sense that your ear is “burning”/hot, as I know you are, then…listen up! You’re paranoid and delusional. No one in his or her right mind would talk about you, unless it’s you talking about you behind your own back, which is really your front. *scratches chin, pondering that* Oh, okay, so maybe someone else might talk about you; and yes, if your ear is burning…they probably are.  

I’d be more worried about them than you…but don’t worry. In another 7.5 seconds, they’ll find some other poor, helpless soul to torment with tongues and tacks. Yes, it was probably the tacks that really made your ear burn. I forgot to mention something. You may be paranoid and delusional, but they’re even further gone! They have a voodoo doll that looks just like you, a dart board with your picture on it and…their cousin’s step-uncle’s sister’s friend Pat looks just like you and is in the room alone with them now. You’re luckier than you think. At least it’s only your ear burning! *worried look* 

Hey, O…racle, I was wondering, is Onyx related in any way to black, charcoal, ebony, obsidian or raven? 

Yes and no. The tones and colors are related on some level, but an Onyx by any other name is simply not the same. Onyx is a semi-precious dark gemstone used to aid in shedding your negativity, stress and grief, while enhancing focus, soothing and protecting you in ways you may not even realize. Onyx has even, at times, been known for calming and stabilizing effects. Onyx - entity, color or gemstone - is much more distinctive and complex than your ordinary every day charcoals and ravens. 

Onyx is both versatile and durable, yet may chip or scratch easily, so please remember to use care and delicacy to protect this semi-precious gemstone from unnecessary harm or destruction. Care and taking proper care of…is a semi-precious skill that’s often undervalued but rarely over-rated. Guard the gemstone and accept no substitutes. 

In Edgar Allan Poe’s poem, there is a raven - is the raven good or bad? 

I believe the raven is neither good nor bad, but merely misunderstood. You see, the repeating of the word “nevermore” in the poem was really just the raven’s way of saying, “Talk to the wing, cuz the beak ain’t listening!” (Of course, that should be obvious, as a beak is not an ear, but hey…not everyone can be a rocket scientist or an otologist. In fact, if it wasn’t for internet, who would’ve heard of an otologist other than an otologist?!)  

It was the raven’s own poor, tragic childhood that caused the raven to be misunderstood. The raven was born into a broken home (a heavy storm the night before the raven hatched had torn the nest apart), and forced to survive on a diet of worms and other such “delicacies,” all because the raven was an early bird. The raven had arrived a bit prematurely, or so the raven’s parents told their other winged friends. The raven’s parents were a bit flighty, and soon, that broken home became an empty nest. The raven emerged from its shell, cold, lonely and angry at the world. The raven did what it must to survive, and ultimately, that meant the raven had to learn a foreign language.

Ever after, the poor raven was horribly misunderstood. The raven’s last words before disappearing one early morning into the mist could’ve been, “Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.” Some silly American dude with three names probably just decided “nevermore” sounded better, and “nevermore” gave the raven another thought. *cry*

Earnote to self: Hide the toga and pitchfork.

What's the difference between salsa and picante sauce? 

Salsa is that spicy thing you do on the dance floor with a partner that eventually leads up to picante sauce. *whistles innocently* (Hopefully, the picante sauce isn't left on the dance floor.) Salsa and picante sauce can be had individually, but they're best served with a hot "dish". Neither, however, goes well with pie! 

Earnote: On a serious note, the biggest difference between salsa and picante sauce is how the words are spelled...though the ingredients remain similar. 

What does it mean when it looks like a girl is dating someone, but when she talks to you she never mentions him at all?  Any time she talks about doing things, it's always with her friends, and never mentions the guy in question by name?  It would be interesting to hear a woman's point of view on that one. 

Face it, as you men say…she’s just “not that into you.” =p (Sorry, had to say it. You men probably would’ve!) Or maybe she is, but she’s hedging her bets/“keeping her options open”…trying to see which relationship has staying power.  (more to the answer here...)

If an empty cruise ship loaded with Puerto Rican rum leaves Puerto Rico at 8pm tomorrow, stops at various Caribbean islands to pick up more rum and continues on to Florida from there, without making any other stops, unless fuel, sewage clean-up or quarantines are required...who reaches Florida first...Onyx or the empty cruise ship? 

Neither. Since Onyx is smart enough to know where to find the rum, why the hell would she choose to go to Florida?!

She would just get to Puerto Rico before the cruise ship leaves, stow away on the ship and have all the rum to herself. Oh, and then invite friends to the Caribbean islands, at which time she'll throw a huge party, wherein the party-goers consume all the rum before anyone else can get their pirate-like hooks around even just one bottle of rum.

By that time, none of the crew even remembers they were headed to Florida in the first place, so they turn right around, realizing they're out of Puerto Rican rum anyway and need to restock before anyone else wakes up from their hangovers.

Why does it hurt so much when you rip arm hair off your skin?  

Unless your alter-ego is Superman and you're trying to make yourself as aerodynamic as possible, why would you even want to know this? I'm concerned for you.

Ripping your own arm hair off is a sign of a serious mental illness. You should seek help. I'm sure your friends would be glad for the opportunity to "help" you. In fact, I suggest you at least let them try waxing you next time, instead of ripping...not that it's any less painful. Unfortunately, should you decide you want your arm hair back, they have yet to make "rugs" for arms, so you may want to wear long sleeves while you wait for those unsightly bald patches to grow back in.

As for the original "why does it hurt so much..." question? Well, it hurts because you're not supposed to do it, or your arm will freeze that way...without the arm hair to insulate it, that is. Maybe you can find a nice pair of 1980's retro legwarmers, and put them on your arms instead. Sure, you'll look like a freak, but is that really any different from any other day?!

Hey, O...racle, are you the same Oracle as the one in "The Matrix"?

No, of course not, silly. I'm the one who doesn't get paid, whose work is under-appreciated and rarely viewed. On the bright side, at least I don't have to belong to an acting union and pay dues with money I don't have. =p

Oh, and I forgot. I also don't have a fan club, so if you want to start one, feel free. It's summer. It's hot out. Even oracles need fans or else we'll turn into hotties...literally!

What color is your parachute?

Parachute? What parachute? Why would I need one of those? Is there something you're not telling me? Should I be worried? This isn't the part where you tell me not to look down, is it?

Oh, alright. You got me. I don't own a parachute, but I did try on a pair of parachute pants once. They were black, of course. I was going to buy them, too, right up until I found out they don't actually work the same as a parachute. If anyone tries to convince you that you'd survive if you wore a pair of parachute pants and jumped off of a tall building don't believe them. Even if you could survive though, you'd never outlive the embarrassment of having been seen in a pair of parachute pants.

I mean, if you're going to embarrass yourself, you might as well do it right! Get a mullet or feather your hair! Wear legwarmers and a bandana around your thigh at the same time. Wear moon boots and an oversized shirt with double-layered shoulder pads that even turn a gymnast into a linebacker.

Some of my friends have been caving in to peer pressure. If it hits me and I can't beat them, is joining them really my best option?

No. Never join...never conform...unless you're a Borg. If you're a Borg, there's really no choice.

However, if you're not a Borg, and you can't beat them, it's time to get off your lazy ass!  Study. Practice. Read the dictionary from cover to cover. Stronger and more knowledgeable, there's no reason you can't win the spelling bee, er, beat them. I mean, start lifting weights. Learn karate, jujitsu, kick-boxing, wrestling, boxing, knitting, crocheting, hockey...and there's no reason you can't beat them, well, except for the part about maybe wanting to stay out of jail.

Do you bite?

Yes but only on special occasions or when requested. Oh, and on the 2nd Friday of every odd-numbered month at about 3:33pm. And on the 1st full weekend of every month after the 4th. Oh, and on February 29th, when there is a February 29th. Oops, I almost forgot. I also bite at the dinner table. I'm pretty sure I also remember biting my mom's hand when I was 6 months old. I believe hers was the hand that was feeding me at the time. There was also that one time when it was a full moon, the planets were aligned just right, the Thriller video had just been aired again and someone mistook me for a Elvira. But other than that, no, I don't bite. Not at all.

Is there really nothing to fear but fear itself?

No. Fear is just another four-letter f-word. What you should really fear are:

• Democrats

• Republicans

• Child actors

• Runaway brides concocting their own fake abduction stories

• Your dad after you had an accident with his new car

• Your boss

• Ants in your pants

• 'Bar-time'

• Happy cows (and the mad ones, too!)

• Dirty diapers

• Clean minds

• The uncaffeinated

• and...low-calorie, fat-free cheesecake