The 10 Commandments:

An Inconvenient Tableau?

Commandment #1

You shall have no other Gods before me.

There is only one God. There is no other, nor any substitutions, stand-ins or replacements. Please refer to Commandment #3 if you require further information.

Commandment #2

You shall not make for yourselves an idol.

Celebrity icons, Tiki gods, rock stars and “American Idols” are forbidden, as are the building of snowmen, the making of sports legends and looking up to one's own parents, guardians, friends and other figures – action, statue or otherwise.

Commandment #3

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

The Lord, aka Your God, aka the Savior, aka His Holy Eminence from Above…has copyrighted and trademarked his name (in all forms) and shall have no unauthorized use of his name or any form thereof, such as any nicknames, whether known or unknown. The Lord, Your God, the Savior, et cetera, et cetera shall have no unauthorized product endorsements or commercials linked to his name in any form or representation thereof.

Reality shows, specials, sitcoms, dramas, tragedies, horror and sci-fi/fantasy…also not permitted to use, abuse or otherwise make reference to or of his holiness, The Lord, Your God, the Savior, et cetera, et cetera.

Furthermore, no human may EVER claim to be “God,” to be “like a God” or to aspire to be “God.” Please refer back to Commandment #1 for further clarification.

Commandment #4

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

Take a bath at least once every 7 days, blessing the water with the sign of the cross as you bathe in it. Cleanliness is next to godliness, as they say, which is as close to godliness as one can get. Please refer to Commandment #’s 1 and 3 if requiring further explanation regarding gods and godliness.

Commandment #5

Honor your father and your mother.

Sing the praises of your parentage, heritage and ancestry. However, do not go so far as to idolize them or you will breach Commandment #2, which could also lead to a violation of Commandment #1 if such behavior continues.

Commandment #6

You shall not murder.

You are not responsible for – nor have your services been requested for – population control. Please volunteer for other community services, such as keeping drugs, kids and kids on drugs off the streets.

You are also forbidden from pretending to be a crow and/or one of many in the formation of a group of crows, known as a “murder of crows.”

Commandment #7

You shall not commit adultery.

Do not, under any circumstances, “grow up.” Be a child. Act a child. Play with toys.

Have temper tantrums. Pull your sister’s hair. Kick your brother. Name-call.

Finally, but not lastly, participate in quiet times referred to as “time-outs,” usually administered and given by those in direct and absolute violation of this same commandment.

Commandment #8

You shall not steal.

“Borrow.” Take things with the intention of returning them later. No need to ask. As long as one intends to return the item or items at a later date and time, it is only “borrowing,” even if no permission was requested upfront.

Borrowing is sharing, and sharing is always encouraged as it promotes goodwill.

Commandment #9

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

See, speak and hear no evil. You saw nothing, heard nothing and said nothing. There is no false testimony in never opening your mouth to speak of what you never saw or heard.

God shutdown his witness protection program due to budget cuts many years ago, so it is strongly advised that you do not bear witness or your witness may be bared. If your witness is bared, you may then be the cause and victim of a person or entity violating Commandment #6.

Commandment #10

You shall not covet.

Desire, lust, longing and wishes of all kinds are strictly forbidden. This includes, but is not limited to:

• Christmas wishes and/or the act of filling out Christmas wish lists

• Making wishes while battling over a wishbone

• Animal lust

• Desire for a wage increase or better performance review

• Longing for better weather

• Longing, lust, wish, hope, desire and any other substitute terminology stating a wanton desire for anything (and/or everything) else in the universe.

In other words, you are irrevocably and utterly *bleeped*......and probably have been since you were old enough to whisper your wishes in Santa’s ear…or even earlier…when you were old enough to scream when mommy or daddy took the pacifier away from you for the very first time.

This commandment was put in place to ensure you would be guilty of violating at least one commandment at any given time in your life. Anyone claiming to be innocent of such violation is already dead, for no one alive would never desire, never lust, never long for, never want, never dream of and/or never wish for anything.

Commandment #10 protects the saints in heaven from overpopulation, without the need for any saint therein to jeopardize his/her status by resorting to the violation of Commandment #6.

Face it, there were no standard operational procedures in place at the time the commandments were written. Given the points below, are you sure those commandments – though written in/on stone – were meant to stand the test of time?

• The commandments did not go through a rigorous panel of judges or hierarchy for revisions, alterations or modifications.

• There was no research data gathered nor focus group studies compiled on the validity and need for such commandments.

• The commandments did not have to pass governmental or judicial legislations nor be reviewed by any regulatory agencies or affiliates.

• There was no timetable set up for a routine update or review of said commandments and their validity or useful applicability to changing times.

• There was no notary public available at the time the commandments were written.

• No one other than Moses, the one who presented the commandment tablets, could even verify for sure that those were God’s words. And remember, Moses did gain more than his 15 minutes of fame for being the bearer of such tidings.

• Having no official “God” stamp, signature or seal…who’s to say “God” didn’t have a short-sighted “ghostwriter” who interpreted his words, conceptual ideas or intent loosely?

The 10 Commandments:

An Inconvenient Tableau?

|   Pocket Philosopher (index)  |