Drag, Drop & Diet: The 254.5-Pound Philosophy

 

Dieting is generally not something any of us look forward to, but some of us love food a little too much. Therefore, if there is food in front of us, before we know it, we’re consuming everything in sight…except maybe, the lettuce leaf remnants stuck in the sink on their way down to the garbage disposal from that salad we ate for lunch after feeling guilty about the big dinner the night before. Most of us at some point or other, will feel the need to diet. Ultimately, the most unproven and potentially successful way to lose weight is to have your stomach completely removed. No tummy tuck. No stomach stapling. We’re talking complete removal. We’re way too busy pretending we’re too busy in our daily lives to bother with healthier eating habits, toning and exercising to slim down.

 

However, since complete removal of your stomach isn’t an option, I urge you to try my convoluted, disproportionate (not to mention, way too small-portioned) diet plan that claims seriously impossible results and guarantees them, too!**

 

My diet philosophy is simple…small, baby-sized portions that aren’t enough to satisfy even the hunger of your rabbit, guinea pig or Chihuahua. And what’s more, you couldn’t get them to eat this stuff if you ladled it with gravy and sprinkled it with dog biscuits! It’s about time you cut out the all-you-can-eat buffets…or time to get liposuction like I did and claim it was all due to my new breakthrough diet regimen that’s sweeping the world!

 

Let my diet plan make you actually hate the taste of what I call “food” so much you’ll never eat again!

 

 

Fiberboard

Eat more fiber (aka cardboard), and if you’ve never tried it before…now’s the time to start! Anything that tastes like cardboard can’t be high in fat, cholesterol or calories! Throw out the cereal, but eat the box. Thin cardboard is good for light meals, but when you’re really hungry, always go for corrugated cardboard. It’s more filling and has a truly unique texture that will enthrall you for hours.

 

Though not appealing to the palette, cardboard will fill you up and taste so bland you’ll lose your appetite just looking at a box of it!

 

 

The Phat = The Phit

If you have to consume fat --- which I don’t recommend, make it the p-h-a-t variety. Be cool. Be phat, but don’t eat fat. There’s no such thing as good fat, unless it’s the kind you inject into your facial muscles to paralyze them and wash away years of wrinkles! However, too much fat period is just fat and makes you fat, no matter how “good” they say it is.

 

Cut the fat! You’ll find that a surgical knife works best, but only when handled by a fully trained and certified professional, especially one that may be able to recycle your fat into the miracle that vanishes all traces of your wrinkles! Not recommended for home use or experimentation.

 

 

Greens, Fruits and Vegetables

As they say, “you are what you eat.” If you eat a lot of fruit, you’ll be a *gasp* fruit! Eat more vegetables, and all you’ll want to do is veg out. It’s okay. Rabbit food is good for you so long as you don’t overdo it. You’ll know you’ve gone too far if you start twitching your nose and find yourself ripping the carrots off the faces of helpless snowmen in winter.

 

Items in this class that you should avoid include melons, apples, oranges, pears and anything that may appear rotund and round. You can start this diet apple or pear-shaped, but we certainly can’t allow you to become shaped as such simply because “you are what you eat” and you consumed a few too many of those!

 

 

Hunger Habits

Don’t eat for any reason except hunger. But if you’re too weak to follow this rule, go ahead. Just don’t forget to purge after you binge. *purges* Not only does this free you from guilty eating, but when it’s my diet recommended food you’re binging on --- it probably tastes better on its way back up than it did going down! *cough* I don’t make the food. I’m just paid an ungodly sum of money to endorse it, sell it and pretend I eat it, too. *cough*

 

 

Habits! Out with the Old…and In with the New

All jokes about nuns and their “habits” aside, I’m going to help you break those bad habits of binging, over-eating and eating all those fatty foods that actually don’t taste like the cardboard my diet foods do.

 

The best part of my program, my philosophy, is how I teach you to stop, drop the pork roll and give me “20”…dollars for every quarter of a pound you lose as I make you eat cardboard delicacies with chopsticks! Try my diet today and you’ll hate food by the end of your very first day! The pounds will fall away fast, just like your friends if you ever try to serve them any of the corrugated cardboard meals and confections found in the diet book you receive as part of this breakthrough plan.

 

Stop! Drop the pork roll and give me “20”…today!

 

 

**Earnote: (Here comes the “fine print.”) Results only guaranteed if you combine diet plan with a high-intensity 6-hour workout plan 4 days of the week, and a 2-hour intermediate workout on your remaining three “off” days. All guarantees null and void if you fail on any given day to meet minimum daily workout requirement by even one one-hundredth of a millisecond. For even faster results, we recommend you sleepwalk on a treadmill for at least an hour of every night’s sleep! You CAN sleep away the pounds, it’s true! It is required that you consult all of the following and receive written approval before beginning this diet:  a medical doctor, a physical therapist, a psychologist, a vegan, a 3-month 17 day-old infant, a college history professor, and 13 office temporary employees.  Guarantee is null and void in the event that even one of these written approvals is not obtained.

 

 

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