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The origin of this spoof is
“corporate America” on the whole, and the endless stream of corporate jive
usually referred to as “corporate philosophy” or “mission statements.”
Though every company should have some basic statement of its principles,
standards and objectives, many companies take it to extremes and over-do
it. Some, in fact, change their philosophies or statements whenever the
CEO or President figures he or she has nothing better to do at the time,
so in order to appear “busy” or contributory to the company…voila…time to
update that corporate philosophy that was only 4 months old from the last
time he or she needed to look busy!
On that note, the hidden translations of the pretty words
and phrases usually used in those publicly shared mission statements or
corporate philosophies are uncloaked below:
A Corporate American’s
Discorporate Philosophy
We are in the business of
helping you manage your finances by charging so much we’re nearly
extorting money from you for quality and services we really aren't
authorized nor qualified to offer. Without you, there would be no
Lamborghini in my garage, nor the 5 other sports cars I drive throughout
the week on the days it's too rainy to be golfing with people I claim are
prospective clients, but are actually just my cronies and constituents
golfing on the profits you've made me! Yes, we love our business and the
clients who pay us to have a bunch of overpaid and unnecessary executives
oversee an underpaid and overworked staff that is analyzed by 5 highly
recommended and very expensive consultants from across the nation.
Our Customers
We are committed to
servicing the needs of our clients, so long as it's between the hours of
9am and 4pm Eastern time – minus Noon to 1pm when we are on our lunch
breaks complaining about you and the unreasonable expectations you have in
regards to the services we claim we perform but really try our best not
to! If it's broke, you'd be better off having your 5-year-old fix it,
because we'll just break it more so it's more costly to fix, making the
inconvenience of having to do our jobs a little more profitable. We are
there for you, usually whenever you don't need us, and we
pride ourselves on service that is so far beyond compare that we can't
even help ourselves, let alone anyone else!
Our Employees
We pride ourselves in
maintaining a healthy, motivated and energy-driven environment for our
employees. That's why we're located in a complex also housing a fitness
center, health food store, 4 strip clubs, an arcade and 7 bars (3 with
dance clubs of varying musical tastes)! Our employees aren't in this for
the money…as many are great philanthropists even on their shoestring
paychecks! *cough* Those strip clubs are funded primarily by our
employees. *cough* It’s just another way we contribute to the good
of the nation and the consumerism we value.
Our employees are dedicated
and committed (or at least 25% of their paychecks are…to the strip clubs
nearby), and their teamwork (in sharing pitchers and kegs) is a key factor
in our success. It's that sort of dedicated teamwork that's responsible
for 5 forklift accidents, 2 reprimands for drunken forklift driving, 3
suspensions and 2 illegitimate children. How many other teams stand
together that well, even as they sway, slur and get into a few fist fights
in the warehouse while the bosses are bickering about what color to paint
the office and whether or not they should use a cheaper carpet so there's
more money showing up in their bonuses for work they've delegated to the
new guy in the back corner office (that he shares with the copier, fax and
printer) with barely enough lighting to see the keyboard let alone the way
out at the end of the workday!
When our employees have
issues or suggestions, we expect honesty and loyalty…so long as it isn't
something negative about the company or doesn’t cost a lot of money that
would have to come out of our non-performance bonuses. Our employees
adhere to their own moral and ethic codes, whatever they are and we
respect them for not sharing those with us, nor expecting the same of us!
Our Suppliers
We agree to deal fairly and
respectfully with our suppliers, unless we can get the same items more
cheaply from Jimmy the Grifter in that dark alley at the end of the
block near the area of town our highest paid (minimum wage) staff members
live. We expect performance and quality of our suppliers, but will
sacrifice that most days of the week for a cream cheese bagel, weekend
getaway or 7-course meal on someone else's buck.
Our Company
We have earned your respect
by being mistaken for and having a name similar to some other company
actually deserving of that respect. We hope to continue fooling you for
many years to come or as long as we're still able to drive golf carts,
swing golf clubs and yell “fore!”
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Pocket Philosopher
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