"Emo” Metabolizer: Recharging Your Inner Self

Are you tired all the time, or at least (tired) much of the time you're "awake"? Do you wear yourself out by the mere thought of all that you could or should be doing? You're probably an emotional wreck hooked up to a tow truck on its way to the junkyard, unsure whether you can be salvaged or overhauled.

 

Quit feeling sorry for yourself! You can fix you. Just follow the advice below and you'll be like a rock star on speed (minus the illegal drug addiction)! You'll experience a natural boost in emotional --- and physical --- energies. You'll be a whole new person...just try not to overdo it or you could turn into a Richard Simmons or a Kathy Lee Gifford! *gasp*

 

 

Quit Trying to Please Others!

 

Please yourself! And if you piss off a few others in the process, bravo for you! You'll be smiling, while they'll be the ones frowning! And since it takes fewer muscles to smile, it looks like you've already boosted your emotional energy!

 

            Move to Timbuktu on a whim and don't leave a forwarding address! Eat the last cookie, and leave the box in the cupboard as if there are still some left! Say "no" to every favor or request, just because you're evil like that. Besides, it's what you really wanted to say if you were honest with yourself. (See, you're smiling again, aren't you?!)  No one can drain your energy anymore if you're doing exactly as you please…so do it! Please yourself!

 

 

Stop Living in the Past! (It makes you late in bill-paying.)

 

            Besides, leaving the past behind you --- and/or completely "forgetting" it exists --- helps you eliminate the excess baggage. Travel light – your carry-ons take up less space and don't weigh you down as much as those three 50-pound pieces of baggage stashed in old suitcases, pre-luggage-wheel era. By leaving the past behind you, you instantly wipe out your mistakes and regrets, so you feel energized immediately!

 

Leaving the past behind you could even make you debt-free. After all, if the past is in the past, why should you pay today for what you bought yesterday?!

 

Live for today and plan for tomorrow. Just don't plan much beyond breakfast or you'll tire yourself out before noon, if you were even awake then. *yawn*

 

 

Always Have a Plan!

 

            Make sure it includes at least one shopping trip for something expensive and cool! The more expensive, the better! Nothing emotionally energizes you (especially the fear in you) quite like major debt! Buy a fur coat…the biggest plasma TV screen you can find…a car…a boat, no, a yacht!...a franchise……

 

You'll feel like there's a fire under you, especially when you get the bill! Then again, remember if you get the bill next week or even next month, the purchase was in the past, which you've already decided to leave behind you. * ear-to-ear grin* Maybe you should schedule another shopping trip!

 

 

Surround Yourself with a Wide Network of Positive People…

 

            …especially the extremely perky, plucky cheerleader types. You're bound to experience renewed emotional energy and adrenaline after their constant chirping, cheering and squealing motivates you to kick their asses just to shut them up! That'll teach them for talking about V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! Who's the victorious one now?! * celebration dance*

 

 

Watch and Learn from TV!

 

            You can watch and learn from others' mistakes so you know the traps and pitfalls to avoid. Start by watching "Jerry Springer"…you know you can't possibly be that bad off! (But on the slim chance that you are, and your are asked to be a guest on that show, never ever say "yes" to that!) It's fun to watch the demise of others on shows like "Jerry Springer," knowing that could never be you, right?! The idiocy of others can be a great boost…almost makes you root for evil every time…except when others are around to witness your expressions, of course. (Just remember, if they're the cheerleader types, revert to previous advice and you'll know what to do!)

 

            Remember, everything on TV "must be" true, so watch and learn from it, but also pay attention when they tell you "do not try this at home." Save your energy and get an acquaintance to try it in someone else's backyard, so that any mess – bloody or otherwise – made is theirs to clean up!**=p  

 

 

Follow the above simple guidelines, and you'll find that hidden stash of positive and upbeat energy you never knew you'd closeted! Maybe you'll also find that pair of super-tight jeans you haven't been able to part with even though you haven't been able to squeeze into them since 1995…or that stuffed animal you carried around until you were 15.5-years-old like it was your security blankie.

 

Whoa! Sounds like you'll be needing that energy boost you just got. It's time you quit living in the past, and cleaned out your closet! "Teddy" must go…and so must those jeans! 

 

 

**Earnote: Do not try this at home. Do not try this in your neighbor's yard. Do not try this with mayonnaise and cheese. Pickles and ketchup are better. Trust me…pretend I'm a celebrity spokesperson who has never tried this before, but obviously because I'm a celebrity mouthpiece and you think you've seen the infomercial, I  must know what I'm talking about! It couldn't just be the money they'd be paying me if I were, but am not getting because I'm really not! Pfft!

 

 

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