Beyond the Fairytales:

Dating...Where's the Love?

 

 

First and Foremost...Get Real about Your Prospects!

The fairytale princes and princesses are actually just frogs with award-winning, professional make-up and lighting artists, all because they stumbled upon the right lily pads and were “discovered” by some high-powered, highly connected casting director or publicist who was the one fly too quick for their tongues to nab. Not to mention, you have no idea how sexy swamp gasses can be!

 

When the sun goes down, they’re just ordinary garden-variety =p frogs…no better than you, and definitely no better than any of us dating pros! And tomorrow, they may be the washed-up frogs --- toad-like warts and all --- you see on shows like “Jerry Springer.”

 

You have just as much chance to nab a prince as a frog. Go for the frog…better tongue action!

 

 

If you’re Neurotic, Step Aside...

…don’t worry, you needn’t find potential dates or mates…they’ll find you! And lucky for you, it usually takes a few months before anyone really catches on that those quirks in your behavior aren’t just “quirks” or cute peculiarities, but actually neuroses you’ve always had. It’s just that in those early stages of getting to know one another, the other just mistook your neurotic behaviors for nervous excitement.

 

Earnote: Moral of the story…you’ve got 2 or 3 months in this new relationship before its inevitable self-destruction. Live it up!

 

Step Up! It's "Date Hunt" Time!

If you’re consulting matchmakers for advice, having a relationship is a major priority for you. Treat it as such. Quit your job or get fired, but don’t start another job search. Collect unemployment if you can and/or move into a homeless shelter if you have to, so you can focus on the “date hunt” instead.

 

Consider every day a new audition or interview. Lie on your dating “resume”…it’s called “marketing.” =p It’s not really a lie. You just didn’t show them the fine print that your dating resume is only “loosely” based on a true story. (Hey, it works for the movies, so why not?!)

 

 

 

 

Manners...Get Some!

At this point, you should have a date, so now it's time to worry about manners, specifically your own.

 

Try not to belch or fart at the table...at least be outside in the open air so you can blame it on the burly man with the horribly obvious comb-over he thinks no one notices.

 

Leave your cell phone off; and your charm, on! Focus on your date and maintain eye contact...although avoid the stare down competition, or he/she will think you have an odd obsession with nose hair, eyeballs, freckles or crows feet.

 

 

 

Baby Steps

“Check” the baby talk at the daycare center 2 blocks away. You may find a mate who wants to be your Baby – Sweetie – Snookums – Cutie-Pie, but the baby talk is off-limits…at least until you’re lying there a week later in Vegas...drunk, smoking and with matching cigar bands on your fingers.

 

Once in Vegas, go for it…“Who’s a big boy?!”…“How big are you?” (Response: “Soooo big!”)…singing your “I love you’s” through a catchy kid’s show song. (You do remember that big purple dinosaur, don’t you?)

 

And whatever you do…don’t show him/her that adult-sized stroller, pacifier and playpen you have. At least not for another 2-3 years.

 

 

Balance the Communication

On your dates, talk, but don’t brag! Make sure to let your date speak once in awhile. And if you absolutely must, at least pretend to listen, even if it’s just to every 3rd or 7th word. In some cases, it makes the conversation all the more interesting.

 

 

Warm Fuzzies

Be warm and friendly, and no matter what sex you are, try to keep your knees and legs together. You don’t want your desperation, as well as the color of your undies or lack of to be quite so obvious! You're seeking love and romance, at least this time...not 2.5 minutes against the brick wall behind a dive-bar.

 

Smile but not so wide that your date realizes your canines really do make you look like a canine in that lighting.

 

 

Be Mysterious

Being slightly aloof and more than a little elusive breed challenge, and challenge breeds determination along with continued interest. Wash your hair – even if you only have a single hair – instead of going on that last minute date for tomorrow that he/she mentioned only today. You could still show up if the plan was to meet somewhere, but be an hour late, just in case he/she went without you.

 

 

Look Both Ways

Remember, looks aren’t everything. It’s the inner personality that you’ll end up living with once the war-paint or camouflage comes off at the end of the day. Not to mention, you can always buy a paint job, face lift, tummy tuck or appendage amputation…but you can’t just go to the drug store and find an aisle of personalities to choose from, buy or expect your potential true love to accept and become.

 

 

"Hind" Sight!

Like your ass, your ex is behind you…er, in the past. Leave him/her there. As long as you don’t move, your prospective match won’t see that excess baggage in your “trunk,” =p or on your ass. *gasp* And by the time he/she does, the relationship warranty has expired, so he/she is “stuck” with you…sort of, unless you really want to deal with palimony and who gets custody of the apartment, the singing fish plaque on the wall or the urn holding the ashes of the dog's remains.

 

 

Chemistry 101 

Chemistry is a pre-requisite. If neither of you took Chemistry, the relationship is doomed. Better freshen up on Biology 101 first, and then take Chemistry. Maybe you’ll be able to “explode” *gasp* together someday as a result. And if not, at least you'd have the ability to make the other "explode," even if it isn't always simultaneously.

 

S----e-----x

Be one of the sexes, but don’t have it in the first 10 minutes you know each other. It’s much better if you wait for at least 11 minutes. You’ve no idea how much difference a minute can make. (Okay, so maybe you should wait a little longer…or even take a vow of celibacy and inform your date.) Your love interest will find you a challenge too hard to resist…score (which is really what you wanted anyway)!!

 

 

 

And Finally...Be Flexible…

…especially when it comes to the physical “stuff.” Contort yourself into a pretzel…skip the salt, though. No MSG for you…you wouldn’t want your date to realize how high your cholesterol is, would you?!

 

Compromise if you must – but make sure you get your way first. Otherwise, you may appear weak or spineless. Of course, spinelessness makes you more flexible, so that may not be a bad thing after all.

 

 

 

Follow the above steps and you, too, could have an SO (significant other) in no time! Trust us! We're professional dating, love and romance experts and facilitators. We make love happen! Matches aren't made in heaven, they're molded, shaped and processed by professionals like us who fail miserably again and again in our own personal lives, not that it has any relevancy or importance to our jobs, skills and obligations to you as our clients!