Philosophy of a Meeting Mogul Magnate 

If you’re in business, you probably attend a lot of meetings, and even run some of them, too. Maybe your meetings don’t run as smoothly or as efficiently as you’d like. And maybe you’re tired of scheduling a meeting to schedule a meeting to talk about the meeting you’re having tomorrow…and then the follow-up meeting you’re scheduling after that to review what you’ve basically already discussed 4 times, plus a few times casually at someone’s cubicle.

 

Real meetings begin with sugar --- sugar, and loads of coffee, preferably caffeinated, if you don’t want to put anyone to sleep. Sugar and coffee are at the heart of every successful meeting, but there are more handy tips below that you should follow to guarantee your meetings are an office hit!

 

 

Know Your Focus…Know Theirs!

Every meeting has a purpose. Identify your purpose in advance, and then…remember theirs. Your attendees aren’t thinking about that hour-long discussion on quarterly financials, profitability projections or who’s going to replace the VP that just resigned yesterday. They’re thinking about the food. If it’s an a.m. meeting, it’s bagels and cream cheese or cream-filled donuts and low-fat muffins. And you’d better not have gotten them from the corner grocery store, because they will know. They are sugar connoisseurs. They know as much - or more - about the sweets, than you know about the financials!

 

Now, if your meeting begins or carries through lunch, you’d better plan for some delicious take-out or delivery…lasagna, spaghetti and garlic bread, quesadillas, pizza…anything so long as it’s hot, fresh and tasty! No cold lunchmeat and sandwich spread, or you’ll lose more attendees on the threshold of the conference room door before the meeting even starts.

 

Don’t be fooled. Whatever the meeting topic is to you…it’s only your focus. Your employees and business associates are really only there for the free food and beverages…so you’d better be serving the expensive bottled water along with the soda and supreme blended coffee you’d already had planned. The best way to an attendee’s ears is through the stomach!

 

 

Reparation in Preparation

Order the donuts, bagels or luncheon in advance, and ensure on-time delivery! Don’t forget the cream cheese or assorted complimentary side dishes and condiments. The minute details are just as important as the main entrees and delicacies! If you can’t finish your homework on the financials, no sweat! But if your attendees find you’ve somehow forgotten the food, the meeting ends before it began. Always order the food in advance, and remember when selecting foods, account for “Joan’s” allergies to peanuts and “Steve’s” lactose intolerance. Oh, and don’t forget about “Maggie.” She just became a vegetarian, overnight. You’d better have an optional meatless entrée if you’re serving lunch!

 

 

Everyone has an Agenda!

Don’t let the needs or wishes of your employees get in the way of your agenda. If “Jerry” wants cheesecake while you want carrot cake…remember, it’s your meeting, so it’s your agenda to push onto others!

 

 

Encourage Involvement

“Sue” and “Fred” have as much right to eat as “John,” plus “Sue” could use a few more pounds on her so that “Kathryn” doesn’t feel so bad about this being her 2^nd breakfast or lunch today, or that she doesn’t feel so bad about those pounds she still thinks she should lose even though she may look just fine to everyone else.

 

Every successful meeting is full of teamwork, and once your associates are involved in eating together, that teamwork comes naturally because your employees or associates are too lethargic to move afterwards! And when they’re too lazy to move, that guarantees your meeting success, as no one will be walking out in the middle of it!

 

 

“Watch” the Time

Start on time. Leave on time…if not before. When two people start checking their watches or glancing at the clock, it’s time to bring in more coffee or start wrapping it up. The donuts are digesting and naptime is nearing. You’d better rush them out before “Andy” decides “Sherry’s” shoulder makes a good pillow, for if his head should fall…you just might end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands! *gasp* Much better to end the meeting before that becomes a reality!

 

 

Presentation and Style

Prepare and utilize lots of colorful charts, graphs and animated cartoons in your presentations during the meeting. While everyone is eating, they can silently “ooh” and “ahh” at the pretty drawings on the projected display. Your charts and graphs don’t even have to be related to your topic. No one will notice whether or not those even make any sense at all. The artistry is only there for distraction, kind of like that silly singing fish plaque you have on your office wall.

 

 

Meeting Day Attire

Dress to thrill! Doesn’t matter where your employees’ or associates’ eyes are focused, just so long as they’re on you somewhere…and not just because they’re staring at the green booger dangling precariously from your left nostril or those sesame seeds stuck between your front teeth. If their eyes are focused on you anywhere else, your meeting’s a success. After all, even if they’re not listening, it “looks” like they are…and that’s all any meeting planner could ever ask.

 

 

Invite Questions

You never know when someone has an important thought or suggestion…like flavored coffee syrups for the next meeting or catering from that new ethnic place that opened up last week just 2 blocks away. Save time for a few questions and suggestions, and just pray that there are no “hand-raisers” in attendance that ask endless questions while everyone else is ready to call it a meeting so they can pretend to get back to work.

 

 

Voice, Smile and the “Laughing Stock”

Speak loudly enough to be heard over the sound of chewing and swallowing. And if you hear someone choking, politely stop speaking so another colleague may perform the Heimlich maneuver before you continue on. Once you’ve ensured all is okay again, continue on with your agenda, periodically pausing for smiles, as you recite a few cheesy lines or jokes that will have most of your colleagues tittering in nervous laughter and pasted-on half-smiles.

 

If you keep them mildly amused, you know they’re still listening. They may even remember the assignments given to them, as well as a few of your lines and agenda items mentioned during the course of the meeting. And that, in turn, means you can cancel that follow-up meeting since they actually remembered something from this meeting even after they left the room!

 

 

Congratulations! You’re now a meeting mogul magnate! By following the above meeting philosophy, even the narcoleptic insomniac who only slept on and off 10 minutes at a time for the last two nights and who forgot his toothpicks today, won’t fall asleep during your meetings today or any other day! And now that you’ve mastered meetings…you can get back to what you’re best at, golfing away as much of the company profits as possible! (Don’t forget to grab your 9-iron. You’ll need it once “Sara” realizes how the results of that meeting have affected the sanctity and solitude of her job, not to mention that bonus she’s come to rely upon each year.)

 

 

|   Pocket Philosopher (index)  |