Pocket Philosopher: Rejection E-Page

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The Pocket Philosopher satire piece below parodies or spoofs chain letters, rejection letters and rejections in general, as well as the enthusiastic, oblivious, superstitious or uncaring attitudes often displayed by the givers of such "chains," letters and rejections.

Tired of your family or friends sending you countless chain letters and chain emails? Send them a link to this rejection e-page. We doubt they'll get the hint, but at least it could be your way of having some fun with the nuisance that is chain letter mentality. (And, of course, if you know a job applicant or an aspiring writer all too familiar with the sting of rejection, send this link for a few tongue-in-cheek laughs.)

Beware: Now that you've happened upon the link to this page, you must read the below and follow the instructions. Be superstitious. Heed our warnings, if you know what's good for you!

Chain Letters, "Rejectivity," You and...

The Rejection E-Page!

Congratulations! You are the grand prize winner of a rejection e-page!

We are happy to report that we’ve been watching you for quite some time now and are completely enamored and intrigued at what we’ve witnessed (especially last Tuesday at 7:37pm).

We’ve seen the L on your forehead. We’ve seen your shoulders pitch forward in dejection. We’ve heard your sighs of frustration and have seen the depression reach your eyes.

We are proud to report your woes provide us countless hours of enjoyment and entertainment! For that reason, we’ve dedicated our lives to making yours absolutely miserable! Wait no longer for rejection by mail, email, text message, fax, in person or over the phone. Simply pull up this rejection e-page, and the wait is over!

We love that you’re a loser! We love to remind you that you are! And most of all, we love cold, impersonal rejections that completely avoid any hint of personalization or effort.

Once again, congratulations on your winning this absolutely worthless but exciting grand prize rejection e-page! Someone thinks you’re really especially inferior enough to deem you worthy. Be grateful. Many do not receive this wondrous opportunity to bask in the glory of such a cold-blooded, tone-deaf rejection e-page award.

You will NOT have to weigh in to be voted in as the biggest loser. You will NOT have to face off in teams against one another to discover you don't stack up to competition. You will NOT be voted off the island. You will NOT have to face the wrath of Simon nor The Donald’s comb-over.

You, by your own merits, have earned the right to claim this honorary commemorative rejection e-page as your very own, but by no means does this mean you stand out in any way. You are not the only one who can lay claim to this rejection e-page.

You could be anyone. Allison. Jennifer. Jordan. Billy. Candace. Carol. Tim. Anyone. Anyone. Thomas. Terry. Teri. Paris. Tina. Nicole. Whatever. Whoever. Anna. Ellis. Alistair. Jeremy. Phil. Gordon. Gregory. Jill. Adam. Beth. Veronica. Matthew. Stan. Stewart. John. Close enough. I’ll just call you Sam. You could be male, female or undecided and still be Sam to us.

Congratulations, Sam! We hope you enjoy your new rejection e-page as much as we’ve enjoyed rewarding you with this wonderfully unique prize that proves once and for all you are as unique and special as all the other slowest animals in the herd! We hope you and your rejection e-page have many unhappy years together in your future on the short bus!

Now that you have read your rejection e-page, please remember it is imperative that you send the link to this award to your closest 40 friends, relatives, janitors, lawyers, dieticians, high school gym teachers, college professors and anyone still styling or proudly displaying a mullet. Failure to do so will result in 40 years of proven success.

This is not a joke. This is reality. You will be successful if you fail to provide this link to 40 people within 40 days and 40 nights. Do not ignore this. Do not subject yourself to such serious atrocity as limitless future success! Send this link and you will be guaranteed many rejections yet to come.

Results upon sending or forwarding link to:

1-5 people = 1-5 rejections every 2 weeks for one to five years.

6-10 people = 10 years of rejections (no parole).

11-15 people = 12.5 years of rejections and causing your mother to cry every night for the rest of her life.

16-20 people = 16-20 years of rejection, an unnatural attraction to toe-jam and a dependency on anti-depressants.

21-25 people = Heartburn, stubbed toes, brainfarts, gas, kidney stones and sleep apnea for an undisclosed period of time. Oh, and rejection...of course.

26-30 people = Eternity in hell (where you are an illegal alien, as the devil keeps denying your requests for permanent residency). You will spend your eternity there with entertainment news programming that still talks incessantly about Anna Nicole 3,050 years after her death.

31-35 people = All of the above plus an extended stay with your "Newman" (see Seinfeld if this does not compute). Also, when sent out for soup one day, you will be denied 3 times.

36-40 people = All of the above for an extra 40 years, along with hairy feet, water weight gain and elevator music playing in your head 24/7.

Please take this seriously! The last person to fail to send a link to this rejection e-page to even one person received an acceptance into heaven the very next day. Don’t let this happen to you!

Once again, Sam, congratulations on your new grand prize rejection e-page! May it continue to reject you and grind your spirit into the ground like cigarette ash for years to come!

P.S. If sending this link via snail mail, please remember to enclose appropriate SASE so any rejected materials may be returned to you in approximately 4-6 weeks, 2-4 months or sometime before the turn of the next century. Please remember, stamp prices may rise before your material is returned, so adjust stamp usage accordingly. We thank you for the immense enjoyment we have derived in rewarding you this rejection e-page and hope to send you many more in the future!

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