Corporate Spin: The "Half-Full" Philosophy

 

Look at them…2,000 people staring at me as if I'm the devil, but I'm just the messenger. Please don't shoot me! I hope they tested the metal detector this morning, because I really don't have time to lay in a hospital bed bleeding like a stuck pig, and I'm really not ready to die! I still haven’t gotten the cute new executive to sleep with me yet.

 

Who left me in charge of explaining this mess, anyway?  I'm not the sanitation crew! Why should I be cleaning up this shist?! I should've delegated this speech to the janitor. At least, he knows his shist (literally =p) more than I do! And he'd probably be able to clean it up better, too. I'm just a windbag who knows a few 5-syllable words and one 9-syllable word that will stump the staff.

 

I'd rather be golfing. Why, oh why, didn't I take that OTHER job?! I could be golfing right now! And I'd have a personal caddy I could be yelling at right now instead of playing nice-nice to a bunch of crybaby employees who are probably going to hate me at raise time, when we ask them to take 5% pay cuts…and when Christmas comes, but their bonuses don't. Oops, I hope none of them is reading my thoughts right now or hearing any of this.

 

If they actually buy all this shist, I'm running for United States President! I'd be the victoryatorianomist in that election…at least if I could run against a "George W-something." *wink*

 

Streamlining operations, heh, that sounds so "corporate," I love it! Streamlining, if they only knew! We're dumping the big, soft name brand toilet tissue and buying generic scratch paper on a roll.

 

Building a better team environment, working closely with one another…I have a great speech-writer! That works much better than "we're cutting cubicles in half because we can't afford the heat and electricity for the whole building."

 

We're still letting you have lunch meetings, but we'll be serving generic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on two-week-old bread that was clearance-priced at the discount store. Just scrape off the mold. It'll be fine. A little mold is good for you! After all, "Aaron" hasn't complained once yet, since we moved him to the office in the dark, dank corner of the basement that leaks every time it rains more than two-tenths of an inch.

 

Whatever. That's water under the bridge of my nose…and in the basement of the building. =p Speaking of water, you'll have to drink unfiltered tap water from now on, because I spent the last of the petty cash on the gold-plated nameplate I just had to have even though I already own two of them. No need for me to tighten my belt or cut my spending just because the company's struggling. In fact, I should probably spend more so our clients don't get suspicious about those rumors they heard.

 

We're just tightening the corset strings departmentally. I know at least a few who could stand to lose some weight. *cough* "Candace" and "Hank" should lay off the 40-pound steaks *cough*, before I lay them off!

 

Come to think of it, maybe we should lay off some laborers. Need to work those grunts harder, so we can fire a few of them. Then, maybe we'll have the funding to hire more management and a few consultants. Hmm, maybe I could create a few new positions --- one for that college bud that got canned 2 months ago because he was running his company into the ground, and another for my completely unqualified neighbor who I could manipulate at will and pass the buck to when the company's financial troubles are too great to hide anymore. Damn, that's a great idea! I should give myself a raise…and a new company car!

 

So, in closing, everyone….hey, wait, who the hell are these people and why are they all staring at me? This is embarrassing; I don't have ink on my face or toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe again, do I?

Ahem, in closing, go team…to the unemployment office. May as well file early and beat the rush, because it's not like I'm going to sell the company jet, helicopter, boat, block of season tickets or villa in France just to turn this company's finances around. And there's no way I'm giving up my bonus, 2 personal assistants, driver or my 3-month "business" trip to Europe.

 

No really, team, we're doing fine. Now, let's go to the bar and see which one of you becomes the one we get to dish about on Monday from your outrageously unruly behavior at the office party where you drank the others under the table, danced on top of it and flirted with everything in a skirt…even the male cook who was wearing an "apron"…not a skirt. You were just too drunk to know the difference. God, I love those parties. Just wish it wasn't me that had done that last year. * shrug* Ah, well. No tequila for me. Maybe I should sneak out early and leave the employees to pay the tab. They can afford it. They're still employed…for now.

 

 

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