Keys to Being a Winner: Learning to Succeed

 

Those who succeed have done their homework. Not only do they know the rules and guidelines, but also know which rules to follow and which can be broken without anyone’s notice or risk of penalty. Learn to exploit the world to your advantage, and there are no limits to your success! Be a winner, and do it my way, because I make millions pretending I know what I’m talking about and you people have me laughing all the way to the bank! (Thank God that surgery successfully removed the “L” tattooed on my forehead.)

 

 

Name and Map Out Your Goals.

Nothing is out of reach. Aim for the stars. After all, sooner or later every star will become a falling star you can wish upon. And if wishing doesn’t work, you can step over those falling stars once gravity has fully claimed them. After all, your star is on the rise. You know it, and you make sure everyone else around you knows it, too!

 

Map out your goals in terms of stars…much like a “connect the dot” drawing, but better because it’s all about you! Success is only a few trillion light years away, so you better get started!

 

 

Reinforce Your Inner Support Beams.

Use steel instead of wood. Seek guidance in nature. Consult a psychic. Channel your aura. Eat “noobs” for breakfast and spit them out by noon. Chew on nails. Have your knees, legs, arms and torso replaced with artificial, bionic limbs. The stronger and more durable you appear, the more you intimidate the losers you’ll crush on your route to success!

 

 

See It - Believe It.

Open your eyes. Lift up the blinds. Take off your shades.  Most importantly, however…get an eye exam and update your prescription if required. How will you recognize success if you can’t see it clearly? Know how to recognize a loser, and if you think you look like one…get a different mirror.

 

See success around every corner! Succeed at obtaining that chocolate candy bar hidden in the kitchen. Succeed at making that rude co-worker miss an important meeting by telling him or her that it’s been delayed an hour - and that, in turn, will make you a success in the boss’s eyes, as you’ll be the one on time whether you actually know anything or not.

 

Success is all in the eyes. If you have hazel eyes, get colored contacts. Hazel eyes change color or tone dependent on other factors, thereby making you appear somewhat indecisive and lacking direction. Make your eyes “choose” a color and stand by it. Success is bound to follow shortly thereafter.

 

 

Maneuver, Manipulate…Strategize!

Play Stratego, Battleship, chess or any other game of strategy. Plan and start a war. Pick a fight with someone, knowing exactly how you will win that fight in advance!

 

Jot down your strategies, but delete or shred them before they become your downfall and land you a demotion, jail time or even just a glare or two from the losers you just bested. Don’t worry. The truth is they would only harm you because they’re just jealous of your success!

 

 

Grasp Limitless Motivations!

Have purposes and reasons that excite and energize you to strive for more. Award yourself that over-sized piece of chocolate silk pie at the end of a particularly wondrous day. Buy yourself that $500 item you’ll only wear once. Exploit your competitors’ weaknesses and feel better when you’re responsible for them “falling off the wagon,” giving in to their urges and life-long addictions or afflictions. One more winner or competitor falling means there’s more room for you at the top of the pile of dung you created in order to get there!

 

 

Truth and Honesty is for “Sissies,” Cheat to Win!

The nice guy or gal always finishes last, remember? Move your board pieces when the opponent is distracted. Specialize in behind-the-scenes, behind-the-back maneuvers. Lie about your weight. Stretch the truth…call it a foot if it’s really only 6 inches.  Take the credit for someone else’s impressive work. Cheat on your diet. Cheat on your spouse. Some of the biggest successes are the slimiest cads! Be one!

 

 

Be Springy, Stretchy…be a Rubber band!

Learn to take the failures along the road to success. This requires flexibility - emulate a rubber band. Stretch and snap, but not so much that you’ll break. Learn yoga and pilates. Hang from ceilings like bats. The more flexible you become, the more agile you are and the more able to “bounce back” you’ll be!

 

Remember, it’s not forever. You only need to be flexible until you’ve become a success. Afterwards, you get to bend everyone else to your will!

 

 

Gamble Compulsively!

If you play it safe, you’ll never know true success, as you never know your limits or your possibilities. Always take the “dare” instead of the “truth.” Run the red light. Play chicken. Give in to the road rage. Play Russian roulette with a squirt gun. Play with matches. Leave the life jacket on shore.

 

At least if you lose in those ways, you’ll be respected & remembered for your bravery --- stupidity, too, but it’ll be too late to worry about that. *wink*

 

 

Act 1, Scene 1: Let the Acting Begin!

To be a success, you have to fool a lot of people on the way. Learn to sound sincere even when you couldn’t be more insincere. Smile when you’re gritting your teeth. Speak eloquently though you’re ferociously bearing your teeth and growling in your own mind. Shake the hand you’d rather slap. Kiss the ass you’re viciously kickboxing inside. Learn the clichés. Be the clichés. Flaunt your assets and bare what you must so long as it will guarantee your own success!

 

 

Be Your Own Caretaker or Nursemaid!

Feed and water yourself. Dress yourself. Remember to wash behind your ears. Hunt, catch, clean, gut and cook your own meals. Brush your teeth after every meal and before bedtime. Take yourself for long walks and always have a paper bag and gloves handy so you can pick up after yourself. Wash and groom as if obsessive compulsive. Change your own diapers. Dry your own tears. Heal your own wounds but with something harsh that stings, so you’re more intent on winning and leaving that type of pain behind. Once you’re a success…you can hire others to do all that for you!

 

The best way to accomplish your aspirations is to be a self-made person, animal or mineral. Be self-reliant, for only you can guarantee your own success! And after that…you can rest easy, paying others to do all the menial things like wiping your ass…stocking the refrigerator with needless, expensive things you neither like nor consume but have just because they equate success to you…carrying you from your bedroom to your limousine…reading your mail…paying your bills…wiping your feet…greeting your significant other and your kids every morning and evening…attending events that you’re too successful to be at even though those events involve your immediate family…wiping your ass some more…

 

 

It may be hard work right now, but remember, once you’ve become a success, you can finally quit trying and let everyone else do everything else for you! And if they refuse, you fire them and find someone who won’t refuse! After all, you’re an official success now. No one should say “no” to you…not even you!

 

 

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